One of the reasons that courtship is nearly extinct is because women have made it way too easy for men. There are several ways that women make themselves too available to men and, ultimately, help promote men’s lack of effort in dating and courting women.
Unfortunately, it’s going to take a collective effort from women to get the change we want from men as a whole. One woman alone, can’t inspire the change we want in men as a whole.
There’s several different things we can do as women to start getting men to put effort into dating and courting us. The underlying concept in each point is that women have to be less available to men in the early stages of dating.
For this post, we will just discuss one point, answering every phone call you get from a man.
Answering Every Phone Call
For some reason, we seem to feel that if our phone rings and we see the call, we MUST pick up the phone. Well, this is the exact opposite of what should happen when you first start dating someone.
You should never be so available to a man you just started dating that you answer every single phone call he makes regardless of whether you are busy or just sitting on the couch.
Compulsion to Answer Your Phone
I know we naturally feel some sort of compulsion to answer a man’s phone call as if we would never hear from him again if we didn’t answer, but that’s actually not the case.
What happens when you call a guy you’re dating and he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you back right away? Do you not think about him constantly until he finally calls you back? Do you not wonder what he is doing? Do you not stress about whether he saw your call and ignored it or if he is legitimately busy?
Well, the same questions run across a man’s mind when you don’t pick up his phone call and call him back right away.
It’s good to let a man think about you and wonder what you’re doing. He may actually think about you more if you don’t pick up his call than if you answer his call, talk to him for 15 minutes, and don’t speak for another day or so.
Develop An Attachment
I personally think that forcing a man to think about you, by not answering his every phone call, helps him slowly develop an attachment to you.
Don’t you find that the men you think about the most are the same men you desire the most and feel the strongest about? Interesting huh!
The more you think about someone or something, the more you get attached to it (or the idea of it). Therefore, by forcing a man to think about you more than he normally would, you are essentially forcing him to start developing an attachment to you.
Force Him to Think About You
From my experience, I can truthfully say that I thought about a man a whole lot more when he didn’t answer my call, even if he was someone I knew I didn’t want to pursue dating.
When guys didn’t pick up some of my friends phone calls, they would say stuff like, “Wow, I can’t believe this fool didn’t pick up my call and I was willing to spend my Saturday with him as lame as he is!”
So, my point is, whether you are even interested in a man or not, when he doesn’t answer your call you WILL think about him. So, make the guy you’re dating think about you; whether he wants to or not!
Disclaimer: When I say don’t answer every phone call, I do not mean don’t return his call at all. You definitely need to return his call, just wait a few hours. But, never wait more than 24 hours to return a phone call.
Look Like You Have a Life
It’s also a good thing to miss a phone call here and there so you don’t come off as having no kind of life whatsoever.
The truth is, men want a woman that other people want. They want a woman that people like, that people want to hang out with, that people desire. If no one wants to talk to you or see you, why would a man?
What kind of men do you tend to want the most? Is it the guy that you think is a couch potato who seems to have no friends and no life or is it the guy that seems to have an exciting life and friends that love him and can’t get enough of his time?
Well, this is my point. A man wants a woman that looks like she’s enjoying her life. He doesn’t want a woman that he thinks he will have to create a life for or include her in everything he does.
Perception is Reality
Whether your life is exciting, fulfilled, or boring, PERCEPTION IS REALITY. How a man perceives you is what he will believe you are, whether his perception is accurate or not.
And a man’s perception of you will guide his decision to date you, put effort into getting to know you, pursue something serious with you, or just make you a “late night creep” option.
So, you definitely want a man to THINK that you have a life and friends, even if you don’t.
Obviously, after a while of dating, a man will learn who you really are, but hopefully by that point he likes you or has fallen for you so that the fact that you have no friends and are just a couch potato won’t be a deal breaker for him.
You Want More?
For the full conversation on this topic, check out my podcast! Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode
Stay tuned this upcoming week as I bring you more tips on how women can bring courtship back!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
I don’t really agree with this ~ it’s kind of game-playing. There’s no reason why a man shouldn’t be romantic and court a woman even if she answers his calls and doesn’t pretend she has more of a “life” than she does. If the only reason a man is acting attentive is because he thinks you might not be as into him as he is to you, do you really want him? Once he discovers his feelings are returned, then he’ll probably stop the courtship immediately. I’d rather have a guy who actually enjoys romance even if he knows from the start that I want to be with him. Of course, this guy might not actually EXIST! 🙂
I agree with you that it is game playing in a sense and I know a lot of women are not comfortable with that.
In this day and age though, a lot of men are doing just the bare minimum and if they think they don’t have to be as romantic or put in as much effort they most likely won’t. But, this isn’t every single man and this is only my opinion from my experience.
I love hearing other perspectives though, thanks for giving your feedback! I look forward to hearing more!
I think there is a fine line between having boundaries (which is good) and pretending to be somewhat disinterested in order to gain the upper hand (which is a power-play).
The trouble is that if both the guy and the girl are running game on each other at the same time, then things will fizzle out very quickly. Even if both parties wanted to see each other!
I agree there is a fine line, but more so between having boundaries/maintaining a life and showing interest in a person. You should convey interest in a person, but never too much in the beginning as it could be off-putting.
I never mean to convey that someone should act “disinterested.” Instead, I believe a woman should not be overly available and give up her life for the new man she’s dating. You are definitely right that if two people play the game in a way that they both come off as disinterested, certainly both people could miss out on what could potentially be a good relationship. Thanks for reading and I appreciate your feedback!!
I disagree with the game playing prospective. Men are hunters and they naturally like to chase things down. I have heard time and time again from men while doing my own research for my dating articles that they truly enjoy every aspect of that chase during the start of the relationship. I don’t really think its a bad thing, just the way they’re wired. It’s kind of like operating an appliance: we know when we press the power button on a computer it turns on—that’s what it’s set up to do. A man’s mind is set up to feel that chase and, once they’ve achieved their goal, the subsequent satisfaction after that chase. AKA the new relationship that they now feel they’ve worked hard to win and therefore now wish to cherish. As women, we should WANT men to work hard to get us and really feel afterwards as if they’ve accomplished a great goal. After all, haven’t they? They’ve put in the time it takes to get a great woman and should appreciate that fact.
April, you made some great points here!! I definitely agree that men are hunters by nature. From what I have seen from my male friends, they put way more effort into chasing and courting the women that don’t show them as much attention in the beginning or don’t make it extremely easy for them. In fact, the women that gave them a lot of attention were only called for last minute (usually late night) hang outs after the man couldn’t lock down the woman he really wanted to hang out with.
I also completely agree with you that a man feels more satisfaction from chasing and, therefore, earning the woman. When a man has properly courted a woman and earned her attention and love, they will appreciate the woman and the relationship so much more.
We have all heard that you appreciate things more when you earn them. It’s like the person who grows up with a silver spoon in their mouth, they usually don’t appreciate the little things in life that a person who has earned those same luxuries and privileges would appreciate and be grateful for.
In reference to game playing, regardless of whether you want to play games or not, men will continue to play the game. For example, after a man gets your number, the rule is that he should wait at least two days to call you. While most men do abide by this 2 day rule, it can be seen as game playing. The truth is, no matter how much you hate game playing, the game will go on whether you want to participate in it or not.
I love hearing everyone’s perspective on my posts, so thanks for your feedback April!! I look forward to hearing more from you!
I agree courtship is no longer… but I disagree with what you are saying, this is not courtship but but purely playing games.
Thanks for checking out my article! Unfortunately, dating does have an element of game playing in the beginning and while you may choose not to participate, men still will. For example, a man will get your phone number and wait about 2-3 days to call you so he doesn’t come off as eager or overly into you in the beginning. Is this not a part of the dating game? The sooner you realize and accept that there are some games in dating, the sooner you can use this to your advantage. I hear a lot of women say they don’t like playing “games” or playing hard to get, and sadly, those are many of the women I’ve seen get hurt in dating. We can’t be so naive to think we can act however we want when we first meet a guy and this won’t affect the possibility of a relationship. But, your entitled to feel how you do, so, I’m curious, do you have any suggestions for bringing courtship back?
Look, I have been back on dating sites for over a year now, which kind of sad, I have a whole blog devoted to #onlindedating so trust me I am well aware of “playing games” I just think there is a time and place for games and it is not on #dating sites. Playing games is not courtship. I keep saying I want a man that is 180cm tall yet people remind me that my ex husband is only 170cm, the same as me. I fell for him because he persisted: he was not playing games, he just knows how to court a woman.
My blog features my opinion based on my experiences and those of others. If you’re dating and love life is going the way you want it to, then there’s no need to change anything you’re doing.
But, from being on a dating site for over a year, and you not sounding particularly enthused about it, you’re probably not happy with your current dating results. If you’re not happy where you are, then it’s time to try something new. If you’re not willing to step out of you’re usual dating behavior or habits then you can’t expect different results.
Thanks for commenting, I appreciate your feedback and I hope that you’ll keep an open mind with dating. Thanks for reading!
Courtship Is dead!!
Unfortunately, courtship is nearly extinct. But, women need to raise their standards and recognize their self-worth. Remember, some men will get away with what you allow them to. So, if you allow him to rent a Redbox movie and take you to his place on your first date, you shouldn’t expect much more from him.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and comment!