We’ve all been there. We’ve been stood up, taken for granted, compared to other women, cheated on, broken up with, and the list goes on… 

What happens afterwards, though, that is the most important part.

You see, we all tend to internalize negative feelings about ourselves because our dating life or relationships are going the way we want them to. And so we bash and blame ourselves for someone else’s actions, thinking things like–

• What’s wrong with me?
• Why aren’t I enough for him?
• Why can’t I be like ____ (fill in the blank)?
• Why doesn’t he appreciate all the things that I do for him?
• I hate the way I look!
• My body is disgusting!
• I am so fat!
• Why can’t I be super skinny? 
• If I was prettier this wouldn’t have happened!
• I must be bad in bed!
• I’m not fun to be around!

Of course, there’s an endless list of nasty and negative things that we beat ourselves up with.

And why? Why do we do this on a regular basis??

We do it because, for some strange reason, it’s easier than loving ourselves and pushing away men who aren’t good for us.

Dependent Confidence

Most of us have been trapped in that cycle of living for other people’s acknowledgment, love, and approval. If we do start to like ourselves a little bit in some area, it’s usually only a matter of time before we qualify our confidence and reduce it accordingly.

Our self-image and confidence is often based on what society and the media tells us we are supposed to be. But when we let the outside world decide how we need to look, what will “complete” us, and what we need in order to be happy, we’re actually deciding to live unfulfilled, unhappy, loveless lives.

Remember, when you don’t love yourself, you can’t truly let a healthy love come into your life.

Artificial Confidence

Translated to the dating world, many of us have allowed our confidence to be entirely based on how men treat us or view us, how often men are calling us, or how often they tell us we’re “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” or “sexy.”

You should never need to hear a man say, “you’re beautiful,” to truly believe it deep down inside. 

Think about it this way, if you’re dating a man who constantly tells you that you’re beautiful and you start believing it and feeling really good about yourself, what is going to happen if you break up with this man?

Your confidence is going to drop quicker than it rose and that’s because it was never true internal confidence. In these situations, you’re building up an artificial confidence that feels real at the time, but isn’t. It’ll only last as long as you’re in that particular relationship and the man hasn’t messed up.

Get Control Over Your Confidence

Unless you do the internal work to regain control of your self-image and, therefore, your self-esteem and self-confidence, you feeling good will always be dependent on men, society, and the media.

The process begins with self-awareness and ends with a discovery and love of all the greatness within you.

Start by asking yourself these questions: 

• Why do you feel the way you do about yourself?
• Do you question your beauty or worth when things go wrong?
• Are you comparing yourself with other people?
• Are you internalizing other people’s beliefs about what is beautiful?
• Are waiting for someone to make you happy or complete you?
• Are you in control of your own emotions?
• Are you in control of your thoughts and beliefs?
• Who and what is influencing your feelings about yourself? 

Cultivate Your Own Joy

I frequently hear women say they’ll be happy when they find a husband and have kids, but the truth is, there are no external things that can make you happy.

If you can’t be happy right here and now, exactly where you are, a marriage and kids won’t change that. A marriage won’t fix any of your problems, in fact, it might make them worse.

So make a decision to take control of your self-image, self-esteem, and overall confidence today! The first greatest love of your life is going to be with yourself!

If you need help getting there, don’t stress! Schedule a dating coaching session today and grab my new book Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve — Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time, 

Dee

Photo Credit: Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash