One Thing That Kills A Potential Relationship is…

Image courtesy of Imagerymajestic/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Imagerymajestic/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Too Much Information Too Soon

Too Much Information Too Soon (“TMITS”) can quickly kill a potential relationship or budding romance! It’s actually a red flag for some people.

TMITS can easily scare a man off! Have you ever been standing in line somewhere and the person next to you tells you their whole life story?

Well, did you all of sudden feel really close and connected to that person, or did you feel weirded out and anxious for the line to speed up so you could get out of there?

Of course, in these situations you feel more uncomfortable than closer to a person. And, that’s what it’s like with dating too!

If you tell a man too much information too soon before he gets a chance to enjoy your fun, light-hearted side, you can freak him out and make him weary of getting closer to you and your readily apparent issues!

Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Courtship Is A Process

Courtship and dating is really a process. You can’t rush the process by sharing too much information too soon in an effort to force a deeper connection than there really is.

You have to let things happen naturally and in its own time. Trying to speed up the process and rush a relationship  really isn’t wise.

When someone gets to know you, it’s supposed to happen over time, not overnight.

When you first meet and start dating a man, it shouldn’t be about sharing all your hardships or trials and tribulations. It’s supposed to be about seeing if you can enjoy your time with this person and get along well.

Never have a negative dish session about yourself and don’t give too much information on dates 1-5, at least.

Leave the deeper and more touchy subjects for when you’ve at least been on several dates. Dates one through five need to be all about enjoying each other’s company and learning those superficial things first, for instance, siblings, hobbies, likes, etc.

Conversations You Shouldn’t Have On Dates 1-5

1. Insecurities/Self-Esteem Issues

2. Past Relationships

3. Marriage

4. Death of Loved Ones

5. Religion

6. Politics

7. Things You Hate/Despise (You don’t want to come off as Negative-Nancy! No one likes a downer!)

8. Other serious or uncomfortable topics

Keep It Light

Stick to light-hearted topics on the first few dates.

If someone gives you all of themselves right there on the first dates, it’s A LOT to swallow and you may make some bad judgment calls about the person and whether a relationship would work. And, this is because they’ve given you too much to get past.

You may perceive them as having more negative characteristics or traits than you would want your partner to have, but because the person gave you too much information too soon, it disillusioned you about this person as a whole.

Someone can have a normal amount faults, but because they wore them on their sleeves, they gave off the impression that they were all flaws and nothing more.

Let Him Start Liking You 

You should let a man get to know your great, positive side and like that about you before you start telling him all the negative things about yourself.

No person or relationship is perfect, but it’s seeing the good in someone and loving them for who they are that allows you to look past certain flaws.

You have to let a person start liking you before you get into some touchy or negative areas about yourself. People are more likely to overlook and accept flaws once they like someone.

However, very few people will overlook flaws in someone they barely know. Instead, they’d rather find someone who they think doesn’t have many problems, if any. But, remember, many people are good about revealing things slowly over time, men certainly are! So, why lose out to someone else who is better at taking things slowly?

Don’t ex yourself out of the game!!

The benefit of revealing information about yourself slowly is that these things won’t likely be a deal breaker down the line since the person will have grown  fond of you.

Man Driving His Car

Exception to the Rule

Now, there are some situations when sharing too much information too soon won’t actually scare a man off, but this doesn’t mean that you should continue to share TMITS.

There’s a small, special breed of men that like women with issues or problems. This is because this man wants to take the woman under his wing, dominate her, fix her up, and make her into the woman he wants for himself.

These are the so-called  “Svengali” types. With this kind of man, too much too soon might get you more attention than you thought.

However, it’s not positive attention. This man will never cherish you for who you are. Instead, he will constantly criticize you and tell you all the different things you need to change about yourself.

He doesn’t actually want YOU, he wants to mold you into a different person he will be happy with. And, in turn, you will never be happy in this relationship.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You Won’t Be Happy With A Svengali

Ya, sure, maybe in the beginning you’ll love all the extra attention and the clothes he buys for your new wardrobe, which fits the image he wants, of course.

But, after awhile of someone beating you down about who you are and trying to change everything about you, you’ll more so resent the man rather than feeling genuine love for him.

Eventually, you’ll fall out of love or fail to fall in love in the first place.

Even if you do allow a man to get to know you slowly over time, you still need to avoid a man who wants to “fix you up” and change everything about you.

You deserve a man that will appreciate and love you for the person that you are! If a man can’t, then he’s just not deserving of you!

Be Kind To Yourself And Others Will Too

If you’re kind to yourself, others will treat you the same. There’s always an exception to every rule, but for the most part, if you treat yourself with respect you’ll see that less people will disrespect you.

Treating yourself well and being kind to yourself also means not letting anyone else treat you poorly. Set standards for yourself and don’t change yourself into a different woman for a man, if it’s not change for the good.

I have to make a distinction between unnecessary changes a Svengali type would want you to make and necessary positive changes that promote a healthy relationship and a healthy you!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

You Attract What You Put Out There!

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Ladies, how many times have you been hit on by a man in public and thought to yourself, “I can’t believe this unkempt sweatpants-wearing man has the nerve to hit on me!!”

Have you been approached by men in a wife beater and sweatpants and wondered why he thought he could get your phone number?

We’ve all been here before. But, the most important question is, what am I doing, wearing, or putting out there to attract these kind of men?

Always remember, you attract what you put out there!

You Attract What You Reflect

If you leave your house in sweatpants and a wife beater, don’t be mad when a man in sweats and a wife beater hits on YOU!

You can’t expect that you’ll attract a businessman in a suit when you’re wearing sweatpants.

The next time you’re picking an outfit to wear out, whether for a date or otherwise, ask yourself, “would the type of man I want to date go for a woman dressed like this?”

If you wear clothes that show a lot of breasts and skin, you will definitely get attention from men, but it won’t be the kind of attention that you want.

Most men will go after a woman that is dressed like she’s “easy,” however, he’s going after her for sex and nothing more. He won’t be interested in developing a long term relationship with someone he only sees as a late night creep option.

Image courtesy of Patrisyu/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Skin Rule

When getting dressed, always remember that you can only show ONE of the following, if any:

1. Cleavage

2. Midriff

3. Legs

4. Back

Avoid Being Labeled “Just Sex”

You can only show off one of these assets at a time if you are going to show off anything at all. If you show both breasts and legs, for example, you will come off as extremely “sexified.”

Even if you think you’ve shown more than one area of skin tastefully, rethink your choices because you’re probably still attracting negative male attention.

On the first few dates, be more on the conservative side in your dress. Better that he think you’re more reserved than you really are than to think you’re just good for sex.

At the end of the day, there’s NO BOUNCING BACK once a man places you in the “just sex” category. Once a man labels you as a sex object, that’s all you’ll ever be!

Yes, there are exceptions to the rule that once a man see’s you as sex, that’s all you’ll ever be. But, exceptions are rare and we can’t all be exceptions to the rule! 😉

Get The Respect You Deserve

Many men already think that women are just sex objects to be used and discarded, so this means that we have to try even harder to not get labeled as such.

While some men may never respect women, there are plenty of men that will show you the respect you deserve, as long as you are showing yourself that same respect FIRST!

Start dressing for what you want the universe to bring you. The clothes that you wear say a lot about who you are! Control the image and perception you are putting out there about yourself.

Be cognizant and aware of the outfits that you are choosing to wear and how you are carrying yourself. Whether you’re going to work, a date, or out with friends, you need to pick your attire cautiously.

If you want to continue dressing freely, that’s fine, but don’t be upset when you get a lot of unwanted attention from sleazy men!

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What Does Your Wardrobe Say About You?

It’s honestly true that you attract what you reflect. At the same time, if you have serious self-esteem issues and they come out in the way you dress and the way you carry yourself, men WILL notice this!!

Actually, men easily pick up on the fact that a woman is insecure or lacks self-confidence.

So, if you walk down the street with your shoulders hunched over and your head hanging low, you could give off a vibe that says, “Hey! I have no self-esteem or confidence so any men who want to take advantage of me or control me are welcome!”

Don’t get me wrong, every once in a while you will still have some unwanted stragglers hit on you, but there won’t be nearly as many when you’re dressing appropriately and carrying yourself respectfully.

Start Being Mindful Of How You Carry Yourself

Don’t wear clothes that you are uncomfortable in. When you wear clothes you aren’t comfortable in, you fidget and constantly adjust your clothes. Doing this actually draws more attention to the areas that you’re insecure about.

The truth is, when you aren’t comfortable in your clothes, you can’t be confident in what you do whether it’s being on a date, in the boardroom, or even in front of a camera.

Don’t let your clothes take away your self-confidence!

If you’re constantly focused on adjusting your clothes or how you’re sitting, you can’t be focused on the conversation you’re having. You won’t be “in the moment.”

This isn’t a good thing. People can tell when you’re not giving them your full attention and that’s not an exciting conversation to be in.

Being Comfortable Empowers You!

Honestly, when you’re comfortable, you can be yourself and you can enjoy the company you’re with or the activity you’re doing.

Being comfortable equals being confident. But, being uncomfortable can bring out several bad traits such as pessimism, unwillingness to participate in certain activities, and many other negative attributes.

You’ll EMPOWER YOURSELF by being comfortable! So, wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable, confident, and in control!

Let a man get to know you for who you really are and not for your insecurities.

If you’ve gained weight and you’re reluctant to buy clothes one or two sizes bigger, you’re really only doing yourself a disservice because while you’re pulling your shirt down and pulling your pants up, you’re letting someone know that your insecure and unhappy with yourself.

But, I want to hear your thoughts on this topic! Leave your thoughts and comments below!! Thanks for reading!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee!

8 Acts Of Chivalry To Bring Back

Finally, a man concerned about bringing chivalry back!! Support the New Chivalry Movement!!!

James Michael Sama

The more women I talk to, the more I realize that the gentleman is a rare breed. The mission of the New Chivalry Movement is to bring men (and women) together who strive to be the best versions of themselves and love and respect those around them.

As the gentleman has become less prominent, so have the respectful acts that define him.

Here are 8 acts of chivalry we often overlook and should work to bring back.

Image

Giving up your seat.

Whether on a bus or on a crowded subway, giving up your seat to another is a rare but great sign of respect. I always cringe a bit when I see a woman or elderly person forced to stand while young men remain distracted by their phones. It all comes down to being aware of your surroundings and acting accordingly.

Only one in seven men will offer their seat…

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Snooping: Who Really Wins?

This is a must read post from “Sarah on the Go.” One point in this post that really stuck out to me was, “Maybe when we find ourselves needing to know more, we should just know to move on.”

While I do agree with this, it’s imperative that you make a serious evaluation before deciding to leave your partner without solid or tangible proof of cheating.

What evaluation you ask? Well, before you decide to move on you need to be able to decipher and know the difference between general insecurity or jealousy and significant red flags that a woman should be genuinely concerned about.

If it’s just general insecurity making you want to snoop, then it’s time to do some much needed introspection and attack the real root of your insecurity.

However, if your insecurity stems from your partner’s actions that raise serious red flags, then this may not be a relationship that you should continue.

Check out this post from “Sarah on the Go:”   Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Entry 7: Stop Giving up Your Life for Him!

Husband Embracing Wife

Image courtesy of Photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ladies, there is no reason why you should be giving up your family, friends and life for the man you are dating. Leaving your life behind for your new beaux and his life is foolish.

Be honest, how many times have you stopped seeing your own friends and given up your life for the man you are dating just for the relationship to end and feel like you have no friends and no life?

Let’s be real, we have all been there at least once in our lives! And, wasn’t it really hard to re-establish those close friendships and bonds you had before you disappeared into your relationship? Are there some friendships that you never got back?

How many of your friends gave up on calling you or trying to hang out with you once you immersed yourself into a new relationship?

Happy Family

Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Don’t Forget Your Loved Ones

The truth is, when a relationship is more serious, of course you won’t see friends and family as often, but you should never stop communicating with the people that have always been there for you and loved you long before you met your new beaux!

Don’t forget, your friends and family can miss you when you’re in a relationship, so don’t forget to keep up with them and stay in touch!

If you can’t see them, fine! But, at least CALL or TEXT!! Its 2014! There are way too many technological advances out there for anyone to have any excuse for not keeping in touch.

When you take the time to keep up with family and the friendships you cultivated long before your new boo came along, you’ll find it’s much easier not to be overly available to the new guy your dating.

Scarcity Increases Demand

It’s true that your scarcity will increase a man’s desire for you. It’s the whole concept of supply and demand. For example, if there’s a high supply of something, the demand for it will not be as high.

But, when something is scarce, when there is a low supply of something, the demand for that thing goes through the roof!

I personally think that this concept directly applies to dating. The more available you are, the less someone will actually want to see you.

However, if you’re hard to see, if you’re hard to lock down for a date, a man will constantly be trying to fit himself into your schedule.

Image courtesy of Marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Develop Interests

If you don’t have friends, family, or things to do outside of work, then you need to get a hobby! For real!! Find something to do with your time.

Find something that interests you or stimulates your mind. You could go to Barnes and Nobles and just wander through the sections for a good book to read.

Find a hobby you enjoy like blogging, podcasting, hiking, volunteering, or whatever may interest you.

If the only thing that interests you is men, then start going to dating seminars, read self-help and dating books. Do something!

You need to have a life (or act like you have a life) because if you don’t, you’ll give a man the impression that he has to create a life for you and keep your needy behind occupied 24/7!

Couple in the park

Image courtesy of Photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Delicate Balance

Remember though, it’s actually a very delicate balance that must be maintained between not being overly available and showing that you do have genuine interest in a man.

Today, on my podcast, my male guest on the show said that you shouldn’t be too available, however, you don’t want a man to read your unavailability as not being interested in him.

He made a great point! You should never be unavailable altogether or be overly hard to reach because a man could easily think that you just aren’t interested in him.

So, be sure to balance your availability to men so they do understand that you are interested in them, but that you also have a life (i.e. work, family, and friends to keep up with).

In fact, if you stick to keeping a life of your own instead of dropping all your relationships for a new man, you may start to feel like you can’t even accommodate all the time your man wants to spend with you!

Image courtesy of Adamr/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Take Caution With Single Friends

Be cautious of making too much time for your single friends. The truth is, single people have the most free time and if you prioritize seeing them in most of their free time, you could actually hurt your relationship.

You definitely don’t want your man to feel like he comes second to your friends. He just needs to know that you need to see your friends every so often because they are important to you too.

Your friends deserve some attention, but they can’t have most or all of it. Remember to maintain that balance between your life and your relationships.

You Want More?

If you want to hear more on this topic and get the male perspective, check out my podcast on this topic at Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download this episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

 

You Can’t See Him Everyday

You shouldn’t be seeing the new man you’re dating every single day of the week for a number of reasons. But, most importantly, you’ll probably have a false sense of knowing who he really is.

Seeing your new beau every day of the week, or trying to see him every day of the week because most likely he’s not trying to be sitting up under you everyday of the week, will also allow a man to get to know you much quicker than he really should.

He may even start to think you may be clingy and need a lot of attention and, ultimately, he may become disinterested and move on.

Fashionable Young Woman

Don’t Force It

If you call a man everyday to hang out with you and he actually accepts every time, you’ll still never know whether he would have called you everyday to see YOU.

You’ll never know how strongly he really feels about you if you’re always the one putting in the effort to contact him. What if another woman had called him to hang out before you? Are you sure he wouldn’t have accepted her invitation?

My point is just that, we have to pull back. You have to stop trying to force something between you and a man and let nature take it’s course.

Wait to see if he even wants to spend this much time with you. If he doesn’t try to see you often or frequently, then maybe he doesn’t feel that strongly about you and maybe you shouldn’t put too much stock into him.

Young Couple

Wait, HE Wants to See You Everyday!

But, maybe he’s the one that tries to see you everyday. If so, that’s great!! However, you still can’t see him everyday. You, as the woman, need to set the tone here.

He’s not going to lose interest in you because you want to take one or two days out of the week to catch up with your friends and family.

Why is it that a man can get to know who a woman is extremely quickly, but it sometimes takes women forever to know who a man really is?

Well, this is because men don’t put everything out on the table immediately after meeting someone as most women do. Hold some of yourself back!!

Why should you be giving more of yourself than a man is giving you? That’s crazy! And, you’ll be the one with the broken heart in the end if you pursue someone who isn’t giving you much of themselves.

It’s A Process

In dating, getting to know each other should be a slower process than what we are seeing play out in dating today. You are not supposed to get to know someone overnight.

In fact, you can’t really get to know someone quickly, and certainly not overnight. You really learn who people are in time. A lot of character traits are revealed over a length of time, like several months, whether revealing that trait was intentional or not.

Annoyed Girl

Hindsight Is 20/20

Haven’t you dated a man and thought you knew him and after the relationship ends, you’re sitting there wondering, “Who was this man?” That’s because you never really knew who he was in the first place.

As you replay the relationship over and over in your head, you eventually discover all the subtleties that were letting you know who you were dating.

Maybe you ignored significant red flags or maybe he was really good at hiding them. Either way, taking the time to really get to know him might have helped you pass this man up and save yourself some heartache.

Categorizing Men

As women, a lot of times we try to learn who a man is quickly and “categorize” him so to say. Once we feel like we “know” who a man is, that’s it. We stick to that notion until it literally has to be ripped from us by the contradiction of a man’s actions.

After we have categorized a man or pigeon-holed him into being the man we want, we fall for the person we created in our minds, not the person that exists before us.

I say “create” because we never really took the time to get to know the man we jumped headfirst into a relationship with.

And, when we look back on the relationship, sometimes we seem to forget that WE forced OUR image or our perception of who this man is on him. We created this reality, not him.

Woman Covering Ears

Slow Down

So, instead, of trying to get to know a man too quickly and categorize him where he doesn’t belong, slow down and take the necessary time to get to know someone. It won’t happen in a day, a week, or a month.

You can’t get to know a man in just days or weeks, look at it as a process, a dance, a play if you would. Characters in plays and movies are developed through the course of the show, in time.

True relationships in the real world are built over time as well. Take your time getting to know a man and give him time to SHOW you who he is.

The Rules Book

According to The Rules: Time-tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, you should never see a man more than 5-6 times a week unless you’re married. I do agree with this rule, but only to a certain extent.

Obviously, once you’ve been dating for a significant amount of time, you will start seeing each other almost everyday.

But, I don’t believe that every single week you can only see your beaux 5-6 times. I think you can spend an entire week together, however, the next week you shouldn’t see him everyday.

My Rule

So, my rule is really that you can see your man 6-7 times in one week, however, you can’t do this consecutively or have back to back weeks where you’re seeing him every day of the week!

You have to break up the weeks where you see your boyfriend everyday with a week where you only see him a few times. This way, you can still maintain a life of your own, he won’t get overly bored with you, and also won’t feel like he “has” you in the bag and stop putting in effort with you.

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

First Date Tips: Dating Red Flags

Suzie the Single Dating Diva

First-Date-TipsIt’s been a crazy few weeks. I’ve not only been super busy with work, there’s my blog, my business and the podcast.  Wow, crazy.  But, I love every minute of it. You might be wondering how I find time for dating but I do. Actually, I love meeting new people and I’ve gone on a lot of first dates lately.  Yes, lots of first dates that didn’t go anywhere else for whatever reason, mostly because we didn’t have a connection and that’s perfectly OK. Others I would have loved to see again but it wasn’t in the cards. That’s perfectly OK too, just because you felt a connection doesn’t mean they did.

People put too much pressure on a first date when really it’s just that first contact to see if you want to proceed to the next level, a “pre-date” if you will.  That’s why coffee or a…

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