Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
“I just read your article on men who pull the disappearing act. I am very familar with this, being my current boyfriend has done this more then I can count (12+). I know, I shouldn’t allow this, but It’s hard to explain. I want to be with him, we agree with some major issues, and he has qualities that are rare in a man. I also know it’s something he’s battling with.
On the other hand, it is extremely disrespectful to me to abandon me every time things get a little heavy. I need a man who will be by my side in hard times. Every time he does this, he comes back treating me better than ever, and I guess that’s why I’ve dealt with it for so long.
We have almost been dating for about 2 years now, and we are 3 year apart in age, I am older. We are also in our early 20’s. I just don’t know what to do. I know I deserve better, but I just can’t let him go. The cycle is everything is normal/or great, then he slowly starts taking me for granted, then things get heavy or he upsets me, then he completely shuts down and I don’t hear from him for days/weeks, then repeat.
The longest he has gone without speaking to me was 2 weeks. I can’t imagine loving someone, then at the same time purposely ignoring them for an extended period. Doesn’t he genuinely miss me in this time? Or Is he just using this time selfishly to do whatever he wants, and only comes back to me when he feels like it? I just don’t think I can deal with it anymore.
I know I deserve a man to actually WANT to be with me, and be with me through thick and thin. I mean, what happens if he does this and we are married or have children together? I’m sorry for the long message, it’s just nice to get someone else’s perspective and to just talk it out in general. Today marks a week since he ‘ran away from home’ (we live together)…”
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through all this and I’m happy to lend you my ear and opinion. Although, it sounds like you already know what you need to do here.
You’ve been dealing with your boyfriend’s disappearing acts for 2 years now and it’s very apparent that this is a regular pattern in his behavior. It seems that your boyfriend’s disappearances may be a result of him trying to avoid issues or problems in the relationship, but this is absolutely not conducive to having a healthy and loving relationship.
While your boyfriend does come back into the picture and treats you better than ever, it’s only momentarily. One of the most important characteristics to look for in a man you date is consistency! I say this all the time, but consistency is truly key!
When a man is inconsistent it shows you that he is not who he portrays himself to really be and you can’t depend on him. Men can only fake it for so long so their inconsistencies or disappearing acts are your red flags that this person may not be the man you actually want. Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to get or keep a boyfriend that we often don’t ask ourselves, “is this the type of man I want to be in a relationship with or spend the rest of my life with?”
At the end of the day, your relationship is best when your boyfriend returns from his disappearances, but your good feelings are always fleeting, it never lasts. You are only in your twenties and still have your whole life ahead of you. I know it’s not easy to see the rainbow when you’re in the storm, but there are men out there that will cherish you and wouldn’t dare risk the chance of losing you by pulling a disappearing act.
In fact, a man that truly loves you will never want to leave your life, whether it’s for a few days or a few weeks. A part of having a great, loving, and healthy relationship is knowing your worth and knowing what you do and don’t deserve. The second you realize that you are worth a man staying in your life is the second that you will stop tolerating bad behavior from men, i.e. the disappearing act.
So, I want you to ask yourself, is your boyfriend really the type of man you want to be in a relationship with? If not, then it’s time to move on honey! But, when you ask yourself this question, I need you to realistically look at your entire relationship. Don’t just reflect on the good times with your boyfriend, definitely consider the good and the bad. How does he make you feel? And, I don’t mean how he makes you feel when he is laying it on thick after treating you badly and ignoring your calls and texts for days.
When you make this decision, remember how you feel every time he leaves you and you’re not even sure where he is staying. Do you feel loved then?
You’ve definitely given this relationship your all, but has your boyfriend? How much time are you willing to spend in this relationship waiting for your boyfriend to be a better man? I know it’s never easy deciding whether to break up with a boyfriend, but focus on the right things and you’ll make the right decision for you.
I wish you all the best and never forget that you’re worth a man staying in your life!!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
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