Are you guilty of Facebook stalking your ex-boyfriends?
Well, in this short video, I give you 3 great reasons why you should never stalk your ex on social media!
Want more straight-forward, sugarless dating advice? Get my book, Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve!
Till Next Time,
Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
I went on one date with a guy I met online, but I just wasn’t feeling him. He not only looked older than he said he was in his online profile, but he also talked about himself for the ENTIRE date. It really bothered me that he wasn’t asking me questions about myself or trying to get to know me at all.
A couple of days after our first date he texted me asking to go out again. This was our conversation:
Him: Hey! Are you busy on Saturday? Let’s go out!
Me: I have to be honest I didn’t feel a connection on the date but maybe we can be friends?
Him: I’ve been dating four beautiful women from the dating site, but you seemed to be the most intelligent so I wanted to give it a try, but friends is perfect.
Him: I doubt you make connections with any men.
Me: lol ok. I know I’m beautiful too but thanks for the intelligence compliment. Why would you say I don’t make connections with any men?
Him: Because you’re dry and seem like a lesbian.
Me: No response.
(5 minutes later)
Him: You’re also not feminine enough for men to be attracted to you.
Me: No response.
(30 minutes later)
Him: And I didn’t say you weren’t beautiful. You said that so that’s your thoughts about yourself.
Me: No response.
(10 min later)
Him: I’m cool with being friends though.
Me: No response.
(Next Day)
Him: When do you want to get together again friend?
Me: No response.
I’m actually very feminine and I’ve never had a problem with men not being attracted to me. I get hit on by men all the time, the problem is the types of men that I meet. I know this guy was lashing out at me because he was angry that I didn’t want to see him again so how can I let guys down without getting bashed afterwards?
Dear Dater,
I want to start off by saying this guy is a huge jerk! You did nothing wrong in the way that you let this guy down and it’s a good thing that you stopped responding to his texts instead of letting the situation blow up into something bigger.
Ultimately, you were honest and he tried to make you feel bad about yourself and your ability to attract men simply because you didn’t want to continue dating him. How ridiculous!
In my opinion, you’re actually very lucky because you dodged a huge bullet here! This man sounds like he has a lot of emotional issues he needs to work out. When a person’s first instinct is to hurt you in a situation like this, it’s a red flag.
How To Stop The Bashing
Sadly, you’re not alone in this. There are many women who have had similar experiences where they let a guy know they aren’t interested in him and the guy hurls insults in return.
But to answer your question, in general, there’s nothing you can do to stop a man from bashing you after you end things. You really can’t control how a man will react or respond to you not wanting to go on another date.
What you can control, however, is how you feel. If you let these kind of men make you feel bad about yourself, they win. You need to let their words roll off of you because, at the end of the day, they really don’t know you anyway.
How To Break Up
When you no longer want to continue dating a person, the best thing to do is just be honest. If you weren’t feeling a connection or chemistry, it’s okay to say that. It’s also okay to say that you don’t think you are compatible.
When you break up with someone you’ve only been on a few dates with, it’s always best to keep it short and simple. Of course, the longer you date someone or once you’ve entered an exclusive relationship, the bigger your obligation is to give your boyfriend or girlfriend a full and complete explanation of why you want to break up.
But after just one or two dates, all you can really say is, “I’m sorry, you seem like a nice person, but I just don’t feel a connection.”
How Not To Break Up
What you don’t want to do when you break up with someone is be hurtful, spiteful, rude, antagonistic, have attitude, or unnecessarily point fingers. And it doesn’t look like you did any of this here.
Overall, I think you handled this situation well and your explanation for not wanting to go out on another date was short, appropriate, and to the point.
The real problem here is that some men can’t handle rejection well. Unfortunately, you could have the best break up line, but for some of the men you date it won’t matter at all. Some men will try to hurt your feelings because they feel hurt by the fact that you’re not interested in them.
Insults or Constructive Feedback?
It’s also important for you to be able to distinguish between hurtful, venom-filled insults and constructive criticism or feedback. Constructive feedback is always good, but that is not what you got from this guy. He couldn’t take your rejection so he insulted you. Don’t let yourself feel bad for that.
You should definitely continue being honest about why you don’t want to keep dating a man and if a man reacts by insulting you or trying to hurt your feelings, just take it as a reassuring sign that this was not the right man for you!
For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
Yours Truly,
Dee Simone
Chapter Two Excerpt
Drop That Emotional Baggage
Your Thoughts, Beliefs, & Emotions Are Crucial
Trust me when I say the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions derived from your past relationships have significant effects on you, how you interact with and treat men, and how you handle your relationships—whether you believe it or not.
The mind is powerful. It takes note of all your thoughts and feelings and files them away accordingly. Then, when you encounter similar scenarios with men, your mind automatically opens that old file and tells you how to feel or act in that moment. And you better believe that your mind allows action and inaction based on all those little beliefs about dating that you’ve filed away in your brain over the years.
This isn’t to say that you have no control over your thoughts and, consequently, how you act. In fact, you do have control. But to exercise that control, you first have to recognize what your beliefs are and where those beliefs come from. Only then can you combat those negative thoughts that turn into negative actions and replace them with new, healthy thoughts that promote positive action and positive results in your dating life.
So instead of continuing to be controlled by your thought that “all men are dogs,” you can replace that thought with this one: “All the men I’ve dated in the past have been dogs, but I’ll no longer give the wrong men my time so that I have a real chance to meet a better man.” You need to make these types of mental shifts.
It’s imperative that you understand how deeply your thoughts about dating and men affect your dating experiences. Remember, if you believe that all men are dogs, you simply won’t put effort into attracting a quality man. You’ll settle for whatever men come along. If you believe that all men cheat, you’ll accept this exact behavior from all the men you date.
Ultimately, those thoughts and beliefs about men and dating that are sitting in your head will get reflected in your real-life world. So if you have negative thoughts about men and dating, those negative thoughts will manifest themselves as real-life results for you. That’s why the only way to change the results you get in your real life is to change and reshape your inner beliefs.
You definitely don’t want your subconscious to produce results in your dating life that don’t make you happy. Meaning, you need to take note of what’s going on in your head so that you can get rid of all those thoughts that don’t support a positive dating life and positive relationships. If you do this, you’ll be well on your way to readying yourself for a great man and a great relationship.
******
Get Picking Up The Pieces today: Amazon | Kindle | Barnes & Noble | Nook Book
Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
My girlfriend keeps breaking up and getting back together with me. At first it happened every few months, but now it’s been happening once a week and I don’t know what to do. I love this woman. We’ve been dating for a couple of years and I forgive her for doing this, but it’s really starting to make me feel bad about myself and I want it to stop. Every time she breaks up with me she says we’re not compatible, but we never fight and we have a great time together. What should I do?
Dear Dater,
You definitely don’t deserve to be put through this kind of emotional roller coaster, but the good thing is that you’re recognizing her bad relationship habits with you. In the beginning, she only broke up with you every few months, but now it’s happening every week, which tells you that this behavior (and the relationship) is getting progressively worse.
Although you say you guys never fight and have a great time together, there is obviously something else going on underneath the surface that’s causing your girlfriend to want to jump ship frequently. I do think it’s important to point out though that just because you never have disagreements in a relationship, doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship. Your situation is a great example of that.
If your girlfriend felt like the relationship was great too then why would she keep breaking up with you every week? Maybe your girlfriend is considering being with another man, maybe she feels like she’s settling by dating you, maybe she’s always looking for the next best thing, or maybe she has commitment issues. Unfortunately, without knowing your girlfriend, I can’t pinpoint the source of her relationship anxiety.
What I can say for certain though is that there’s something going on that your girlfriend isn’t talking to you about. Have an open, non-confrontational conversation with her about how this back and forth has made you feel and give her an opportunity to explain her true feelings. This will allow you to address any issues she may have been afraid to bring up in the past.
If communicating about this problem doesn’t resolve it, then all I can do for you is help you see what it is that you really want out of a relationship. While you can’t control your girlfriend’s behavior and stop her from breaking up with you periodically, you do have control over yourself and what you accept or tolerate from women. So, consider the following questions and answer them honestly:
Your answers to these questions will help you determine what’s best for you and how to move forward. In my personal opinion, your girlfriend’s behavior says that she doesn’t value you or appreciate you to the extent that she should. Girlfriends should make you feel better about yourself not worse. You shouldn’t have to wonder whether your girlfriend really loves you or whether she’s going to break up with you next week.
Nonetheless, give her a chance to redeem herself by opening up to you and re-committing herself to the relationship. If this doesn’t work or she doesn’t want to, it’s time to cut your ties not only for your emotional well-being, but also so you have the ability to find the kind of love and relationship you truly desire and deserve. A good man deserves a good woman, not a woman who doesn’t recognize what she has!
Always do what is best for your emotional well-being. I wish you all the best!
For more great dating advice, get my new book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Yours Truly,
Dee Simone
If a man is not really interested in you, he usually won’t tell you. Instead, he will do other things to show you that he doesn’t see a future with you or doesn’t want to continue seeing you at all. As women, we tend not to want to move on from a man until we know with certainty that there’s no hope for a future with him.
However, the reality is that a man usually won’t verbally state his disinterest in you. It’s up to you to pay attention to the signs that a man may be rejecting you. So, here are 15 signs you’ve been rejected by a man:
Now, just because a man contacts you down the line after he has rejected you in one of these ways doesn’t mean he has a renewed interest in you. He hasn’t all of a sudden realized that he let a good woman go. A guy that has rejected you may contact you again out of boredom or to see if he still has a chance with you because he’s really just looking for something casual.
Just because you get a random phone call one evening asking what you’re doing in the next hour doesn’t mean a man is interested in you for anything more than a casual relationship. Rejection usually does not come in the form of a clear explanation of disinterest. Men will always avoid telling you that they just don’t like you.
So, you have to be able to read men’s behavior and take their choice to only call you or see you randomly or sporadically for what it really is: rejection of any potential growth into a real relationship.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
Veronica’s Story*
When Veronica started dating Charles, he was completely upfront and honest about the fact that he still lived with his ex-girlfriend. He told Veronica that they broke up months ago, but neither could afford to move out before the lease was up. Charles assured Veronica that he and his ex lived strictly as roommates and that he no longer had feelings for her. Veronica appreciated that Charles was honest about his living situation and she felt confident in her choice to continue dating him.
Although Veronica wasn’t interested in spending time at Charles’ apartment since his ex-girlfriend would be there, she didn’t like the fact that they could only hang out at her apartment. On top of that, Charles would never sleep at Veronica’s place because he wasn’t sure how his ex would react to him dating just months after the relationship ended. While this didn’t sit well with Veronica, she wrote off her feelings and swept her slight bitterness under the rug.
As the 4th of July holiday approached, Veronica asked Charles if he wanted to barbecue together at her place. He told her yes, but that it would have to be closer to the evening because he was going to another barbecue. When she asked if it was a certain friend’s barbecue who told her it was actually his ex-girlfriend’s family’s barbecue. Veronica was crushed.
The whole time she dated Charles she genuinely believed that him and his ex had completely cut ties, but that wasn’t the case at all. She asked him why he would be going to their barbecue and he said he didn’t want his ex to feel bad because she had to go alone. Obviously, this was a load of crap and Veronica knew that Charles had not been as upfront and honest about his “ex” as she thought he’d been.
Moral of the story? No matter what reasons or excuses a man gives you, you should never date a man who still lives with his ex-girlfriend and here are four important reasons why:
If you’re dating a man who lives with his “ex,” there’s a good chance that your new love interest is still in that relationship.
You can’t completely get over an ex and move on when you still live together. You need to know that your date still has a strong emotional attachment to his ex. A man might tell you that he’s over his ex, but living together allows a person to temporarily escape some of the pain that a full separation would cause.
If the relationship is actually over, this doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. When you continue living with an ex after a break up, getting back together is all too easy and you could get your heartbroken all because of residual feelings that eventually are acted upon.
Another important reason why you shouldn’t date men that live with their exes is because you become the rebound girl. All you are is a crutch for this man to bridge the gap between leaving his ex and regaining his freedom. Remember, men usually never end up seriously dating or marrying the rebound girl.
Give a man time to fully untangle himself from his last relationship and emotionally move on before considering him as a date option.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
1. He Says He’s Not “Ready” For Marriage
Most of us have heard a story of a women who broke up with a man because he wasn’t ready for marriage and within a year or two he’s married to someone else. When a man tells you that he’s not ready for marriage, what he’s really saying is, “I’m not ready to marry you!”
Not being “ready” for marriage is just an excuse. If you’ve already been dating for two years or more, there’s no amount of time that’s going to change the way your boyfriend feels about you.
2. He Takes You For Granted
If your boyfriend takes you for granted while you’re dating, he most likely will never see the value in marrying you. This is why you have to Stop Treating Your Boyfriend Like Your Husband! When you treat your boyfriend like your husband he’ll take all the things you do for granted and, consequently, he won’t see the need to marry you because you already give him everything he would have as your husband.
3. He Doesn’t Introduce You To People As His Girlfriend
If your boyfriend doesn’t introduce you to people as his girlfriend then he doesn’t take your relationship very seriously and the likelihood of him ever marrying you is slim to none.
4. He Refuses To Relocate For The Relationship
If you’re in a long distance relationship and your boyfriend refuses to relocate for the relationship, he’s never going to be your husband.
5. He Doesn’t Believe In Marriage
If your boyfriend tells you that he doesn’t believe in marriage or it’s just a piece of paper, then he really has no intentions of ever marrying you. You want a man who is afraid of losing you, not a man who is afraid of being with you!!
6. You Haven’t Met His Close Friends or Family
If you’ve been dating for over a year and your boyfriend’s friends and family lives in the same city as the both of you, there’s a reason he hasn’t introduced you to them. If a man really loves you and is open to spending the rest of his life with you, he isn’t going to hide you from his friends and family.
7. He’s Not Friends With You on Facebook
If your boyfriend has a Facebook account and you’ve been dating for almost a year or more, but aren’t Facebook friends, he definitely doesn’t plan on marrying you one day.
8. He Suggests Breaking Up
If your boyfriend suggests that you break up anytime you bring up relationship problems, he’s never going to be your husband. This guy already has one foot out the door because he would rather leave you than work through any issues with you. Remember, you never want to hold on to a man who doesn’t want to be held.
9. He Pulls Disappearing Acts
If your boyfriend Pulls Disappearing Acts, he’s never going to be your husband! A man who easily runs away from your relationship has no intentions of making you his wife.
10. He Spends More Time With “The Boys” Than You
If your boyfriend spends more time with his friends than you, he’s never going to be your husband. It’s definitely important for both men and women to maintain their friendships while they’re in a relationship, but if your boyfriend prefers to spend less time with you he’s not going to commit himself to spending the rest of his life with you.
For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
We all know that break ups aren’t easy. But, how long should it take you to get over your boyfriend or girlfriend? Traditionally, people have said that it takes you half of the amount of time you were in the relationship to get over it. For example, if you were dating a man for one year, it could take you up to six months to get over him.
While this “healing timeline” has frequently been proven to be true, there are different factors that could decrease or increase the length of time it will take you to get over a boyfriend. Here are 10 factors that can increase the time it takes you to get over a relationship:
1. You Live Together
If you live with your boyfriend, but neither of you can immediately move out, this will definitely lengthen the amount of time it will take to get over the relationship.
2. You’re Still Connected On Facebook or Other Social Media
It might make you feel a little better if you saw your ex-boyfriend posting depressing status updates on Facebook, but that usually never happens! Most people will only post positive and happy things about themselves on Facebook.
So, when you see your boyfriend living this uber happy life after your break up, this may add insult to injury and slow you down on the road to break up recovery.
3. You Share A Car
If you share a car with your partner, the stress of being without a car could prolong the healing process. If your ex isn’t willing to help you out a little while you make arrangements to get another car this could especially add feelings of bitterness to the emotions you’re already dealing with.
4. You Share A Pet
If you co-own a pet and are on the losing end when the relationship ends, the loss of your pet could also affect your ability to quickly heal from the break up.
5. Your Families Are Friends
If your family is friends with your ex’s family, this could definitely make getting over your ex very difficult. From the run-ins at get togethers or holiday events to the questions each side of the family may ask, this inability to fully separate can impede your progress.
6. You’re Close With His Mother
If you have a close relationship with your boyfriend’s mother, getting over your boyfriend will be extremely difficult if you don’t break up with his mother too.
7. You Try To “Be Friends” Immediately After The Break Up
Trying to be friends with an ex usually doesn’t work, but it especially won’t work if you try to make the friendship happen immediately after the break up. Your new “friendship” may be more like a crutch and will just keep you from what inevitably needs to happen: you getting over the relationship.
8. You Hang Out With Your Ex’s Friends
During the course of your relationship, you probably became pretty cool with some of your boyfriend’s friends. But, trying to hang out and stay friends with them will only hold you back.
9. You Watch Sad or Romantic Movies
Watching sad or romantic movies will not help you get over your ex. In fact, you may wallow in your sadness even more. Hold off on the tear-jerkers and unrealistic romantic movies until you’re in a better mental place.
10. You Work With Your Ex
It’s hard enough to deal with a break up, but now you have to go to work everyday with your ex? This is definitely a toughie! Working with your ex will be a constant reminder of the relationship. It’s unavoidable, but mental preparation may ease some of the discomfort.
You’re never going to get over an ex overnight, but you can reduce the amount of factors that will prolong your recuperation from the break up.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
I created the poll below to survey my readers on how long it takes you to get over a one-year relationship. Choose your answer and click vote. It’s easy and anonymous! You can see the poll results once you submit your answer.
Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
“I just read your article on men who pull the disappearing act. I am very familar with this, being my current boyfriend has done this more then I can count (12+). I know, I shouldn’t allow this, but It’s hard to explain. I want to be with him, we agree with some major issues, and he has qualities that are rare in a man. I also know it’s something he’s battling with.
On the other hand, it is extremely disrespectful to me to abandon me every time things get a little heavy. I need a man who will be by my side in hard times. Every time he does this, he comes back treating me better than ever, and I guess that’s why I’ve dealt with it for so long.
We have almost been dating for about 2 years now, and we are 3 year apart in age, I am older. We are also in our early 20’s. I just don’t know what to do. I know I deserve better, but I just can’t let him go. The cycle is everything is normal/or great, then he slowly starts taking me for granted, then things get heavy or he upsets me, then he completely shuts down and I don’t hear from him for days/weeks, then repeat.
The longest he has gone without speaking to me was 2 weeks. I can’t imagine loving someone, then at the same time purposely ignoring them for an extended period. Doesn’t he genuinely miss me in this time? Or Is he just using this time selfishly to do whatever he wants, and only comes back to me when he feels like it? I just don’t think I can deal with it anymore.
I know I deserve a man to actually WANT to be with me, and be with me through thick and thin. I mean, what happens if he does this and we are married or have children together? I’m sorry for the long message, it’s just nice to get someone else’s perspective and to just talk it out in general. Today marks a week since he ‘ran away from home’ (we live together)…”
Dear Dater,
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through all this and I’m happy to lend you my ear and opinion. Although, it sounds like you already know what you need to do here.
You’ve been dealing with your boyfriend’s disappearing acts for 2 years now and it’s very apparent that this is a regular pattern in his behavior. It seems that your boyfriend’s disappearances may be a result of him trying to avoid issues or problems in the relationship, but this is absolutely not conducive to having a healthy and loving relationship.
While your boyfriend does come back into the picture and treats you better than ever, it’s only momentarily. One of the most important characteristics to look for in a man you date is consistency! I say this all the time, but consistency is truly key!
When a man is inconsistent it shows you that he is not who he portrays himself to really be and you can’t depend on him. Men can only fake it for so long so their inconsistencies or disappearing acts are your red flags that this person may not be the man you actually want. Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to get or keep a boyfriend that we often don’t ask ourselves, “is this the type of man I want to be in a relationship with or spend the rest of my life with?”
At the end of the day, your relationship is best when your boyfriend returns from his disappearances, but your good feelings are always fleeting, it never lasts. You are only in your twenties and still have your whole life ahead of you. I know it’s not easy to see the rainbow when you’re in the storm, but there are men out there that will cherish you and wouldn’t dare risk the chance of losing you by pulling a disappearing act.
In fact, a man that truly loves you will never want to leave your life, whether it’s for a few days or a few weeks. A part of having a great, loving, and healthy relationship is knowing your worth and knowing what you do and don’t deserve. The second you realize that you are worth a man staying in your life is the second that you will stop tolerating bad behavior from men, i.e. the disappearing act.
So, I want you to ask yourself, is your boyfriend really the type of man you want to be in a relationship with? If not, then it’s time to move on honey! But, when you ask yourself this question, I need you to realistically look at your entire relationship. Don’t just reflect on the good times with your boyfriend, definitely consider the good and the bad. How does he make you feel? And, I don’t mean how he makes you feel when he is laying it on thick after treating you badly and ignoring your calls and texts for days.
When you make this decision, remember how you feel every time he leaves you and you’re not even sure where he is staying. Do you feel loved then?
You’ve definitely given this relationship your all, but has your boyfriend? How much time are you willing to spend in this relationship waiting for your boyfriend to be a better man? I know it’s never easy deciding whether to break up with a boyfriend, but focus on the right things and you’ll make the right decision for you.
I wish you all the best and never forget that you’re worth a man staying in your life!!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Yours Truly,
Dee Simone
Related Posts You’ll Like:
Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts?
Wondering Why Men Come Back In Your Life?
Are You Downplaying His Negatives?
Image courtesy of Pixomar at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Technology has made it far too easy to keep track of people’s lives. From Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Snapchat, it’s so easy to keep tabs on an ex.
While we all have that moment at some point after a break up where we think, “I wonder what my ex is doing” or how he is doing or whether he is dating someone new, only some women have the will power to keep themselves from digging for info.
3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Facebook Stalk Your Ex
There are several reasons why you shouldn’t Facebook stalk or social media stalk an ex, but here are 3:
It keeps you from really getting over the relationship and moving on. You can never truly move on when you’re still wrapped up in your ex’s life. How can you learn from your relationship and emotionally heal if you’re maintaining an unhealthy attachment to your ex.
What you find on social media is usually upsetting even if it’s absolutely nothing. For example, your ex may not be dating anyone new or working some great new job, but he looks real damn happy in his pictures and that’s enough to piss you off! You’re never going to like what you see.
You need to be living your life and stop giving anymore time and attention to someone who is not right for you. In stalking your ex on social media, you’re just going to make yourself feel bad and, possibly, miss being with someone you weren’t meant to be with at all.
As much as you want to know what’s going on in your ex’s life, you have to let it go. Focus on bettering yourself.
You are a woman! You’re capable of bringing new life into this world. You have strength beyond your knowledge and you are certainly capable of keeping yourself off your ex’s social media.
Your ex didn’t think you were worth staying in a relationship with so why is he worth Facebook stalking? Don’t waste anymore energy on your exes, it’ll only keep you from allowing the right man into your life!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
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Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 years, and we have been to hell and back.. Unfortunately I cheated on him almost 2 years ago when I felt like he didn’t care about the relationship anymore and when he found out he all of a sudden cared more than anything in the world. I bring up the topic of marriage and he says that he isn’t over what I did just yet so I shouldn’t be expecting a ring anytime soon and that he’s in no rush to get married.. Should I stay or should I go? P.S he is 34 and I’m 26..
Dear Dater,
Wow, sounds like you have quite the dilemma on your hands. Here’s what I think:
If after 2 years your boyfriend still isn’t over you cheating on him, the likelihood of him ever getting past it is slim to none.
Unfortunately, cheating can really damage the health and well-being of a relationship. In your case, the damage wasn’t so far beyond repair that you couldn’t continue the relationship, but it seems to have damaged the possibility of marriage.
Is This The Relationship You Really Want?
While you are concerned about where your boyfriend sees this relationship going, you can’t forget to ask yourself whether this relationship is really right for you.
Yes, you maintained the relationship after cheating and you said that you only cheated because you felt like your boyfriend didn’t care about the relationship, but you should definitely reevaluate whether you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this man AND whether you can do that faithfully. Ultimately, your boyfriend told you not to expect a ring anytime soon and you need to take that to heart.
So, should you stay or should you go?
In my opinion, you definitely need to go. You are 26 years old and have many things ahead of you. You can’t spend the next 4 years of your life waiting to see if your boyfriend is going to get over your cheating and marry you.
Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
When you’re in a relationship and your boyfriend has to leave town for a trip or some other reason, you probably find it hard to watch him leave.
You may even feel alone because the time you would normally spend with your boyfriend becomes a void or a gap.
The funny thing is, when it’s you that has to leave town it’s not as hard to leave as it is to be left by your boyfriend.
When you’re leaving for a trip, leisurely or work-related, it’s easier to leave because you have something to look forward to or your time will be occupied for the most part.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Who Has It Easier In A Break Up?
Now, turning this to break ups, it’s also always easier to break up with a boyfriend than to be broken up with.
This obviously isn’t the case if you’re breaking up with your boyfriend because of cheating or some other wrong.
Truthfully though, there’s something about having control over the break up that gives you an element of ease. You weren’t blindsided by the break up, you thought the decision through, and you decided the best move for yourself was to move on.
With these things in mind, you obviously wouldn’t be as torn up over the break up since you’re the person that decided to end it.
So, it’s really true in many aspects actually, it’s always easier to leave than be left!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
How do you answer questions about why you’re single or why your last relationship ended?
Dear Dater,
Less is always more!
If you’ve been asked questions like these by someone you recently met, keep your answers short and sweet!
If you’re asked why you’re single, the best answer is always “you haven’t met the right person.” And, this isn’t a lie, it’s true!
If you already met the right person, you’d still be with him.
The Time Will Come To Open Up
After you’ve been on several dates, if you’re asked details about why your past relationship ended you can open up a bit more. But, remember, the new person you’re dating doesn’t need all the nitty gritty details.
When you’ve been dating someone for awhile, of course you’ll have to speak more openly about why it ended with your ex.
If a past relationship ended as a result of your own bad behavior, own up to what you did and be sure to tell the person how you learned from that mistake and that you’d never do that to someone again.
It’s easy to scare new dates off with what they may perceive as problems that you have. Too much information too soon can definitely kill a potential relationship. Check out the post I wrote about this: One Thing That Kills A Potential Relationship is…
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Yours Truly,
Dee
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Last week, I discussed whether you should keep your exes stuff after a break up. This week, I want to talk disposal methods!
Some women are so angry and hurt after a break up that they feel compelled to get rid of their exes things in the most destructive way possible.
From tearing pictures and other things a part to burning things altogether, some women think that destroying their exes stuff will make them feel better.
But, the truth this, it’s just an unnecessary waste of your time.
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Why Not Destroy His Stuff?
Going the destructive route often makes you much more emotional.
You have to remember that there’s no amount of ripping, tearing, or burning that will take away the hurt, pain, anger you feel from a break up.
Only in going through the natural course of the healing process will you truly feel better.
So, is it okay burn or destroy your exes things after a break up?
The answer is no.
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What Should You Do With Your Exes Stuff?
I know you’re thinking, “do I just throw everything in the trash then?”
Well, yes, that is an option, but you do have better ones.
You could donate your exes stuff to the Salvation Army, Goodwill, or any other organizations that accept these kinds of donations.
Or, you could even return the stuff to your ex if you are both capable of amicably handling that encounter.
No matter how you chose to get rid of your exes things, don’t make it more difficult for yourself by putting negative energy into that process.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
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During the course of a relationship, we usually cultivate many things from our partner. From gifts, to “borrowed” shirts and sweaters, it’s easy to rack up a lot of items from your boyfriend.
But, after a break up, should you be keeping any of these things?
The answer is no.
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Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Exes Stuff
When you’re trying to get over a relationship, the last thing you need is to have a bunch of stuff around your house that constantly reminds you of your ex and the relationship you had.
Your exes stuff could send you into emotional lows and put you back in that sad place that you were in at the end of the relationship.
Keeping your exes stuff around definitely makes it more difficult to get over the relationship.
These little reminders of your ex will only prolong and delay the healing process after your break up.
And, this is definitely not what you want.
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Let’s Make A Distinction
For some women, yes, seeing an exes things or the gifts he gave can send them into emotional spirals.
But, there are some women who can break up with a boyfriend and not be emotionally affected by seeing some of his stuff.
Take for example, the sweater you took from your boyfriend and love wearing because it’s huge and super comfortable!
Some women might see this sweater after a break up and cry into it. While other women may continue to wear the sweater and simply enjoy its comfort with no emotional attachments or issues.
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Why Make This Distinction?
I have to make a distinction between women who can keep some of their exes things without being emotionally affected by it and women who can’t.
If you can separate the emotional attachments between your ex and certain items, then you don’t necessarily need to get rid of everything.
If your ex got you a gift that you’ve always wanted and you won’t be reminded of him every time you look at it, then there’s no need to junk the gift.
But, do keep in mind that even if you are great at separating your emotions from the gifts your ex gave you, a new boyfriend could have a problem with you keeping some of these things anyway.
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Why Do You Need Your Exes Stuff?
While it may seem harsh to get rid of your exes stuff after the relationship, sometimes it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.
You don’t need a bunch of CDs, pictures, and other things to remind you of your ex.
At the end of the day, you’ll always have your memories and no one can take that from you.
So, don’t allow yourself to unnecessarily hold on to things from your past relationships.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
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I want to take the time to address women who are lying are about their relationships.
Specifically, women who lie about the length of their relationships.
Now, you may be thinking about the women who date a man for two weeks and round that time up to a month, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.
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The On-And-Off Couple
I’m sure you all know plenty of women who have been in one relationship that had a series of breakups throughout the relationship.
The couple dates for maybe 6 or 7 months, then breaks up, and then gets back together some months later.
I call these back and forth, on-and-off relationships “boomeranging.”
While I don’t agree with boomeranging because of the many problems that come along with it (See my post: No More Boomeranging!!), the delusion women have about the nature of these relationships is astounding.
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Lying About Your Relationship
When you talk to women who do this on-and-off dating, they are quick to tell you that they’ve dated a man for 4 years.
But, the truth is, they only dated for about 6 months out of each year.
So, when you really add up how much time they’ve been in a relationship, it’s usually far less than what they boast!
When you’ve been dating for a long time, of course you’re going to be proud of the length of time you’ve been together.
However, trying to deceive yourself and others about how long you’ve really been with a man only prevents you from accepting the nature of the relationship you truly have.
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Is The Relationship Worth Having?
Most likely, if you’ve been breaking up on and off several times throughout your relationship, it’s probably not a good one.
And, you shouldn’t be bragging or boasting to anyone about how long your relationship has lasted.
Be honest with yourself and other people, don’t inflate your relationship to be something that it’s not.
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
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After a break up, an important part of the healing and learning process is reflecting back on the relationship.
The relationship playback is basically the process of playing back the relationship in your mind from the first date until the last day.
The relationship playback is the time when you’re able to see all those signs that were showing you the problems in your relationship. What once seemed like small unimportant things now look like obvious red flags you should have picked up on.
This process can be difficult and mentally exhausting. But, it truly helps you learn valuable lessons to grow from because it allows you to see your relationship more objectively since you’ve been removed from the situation altogether.
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How many times have you had a genuine feeling that your boyfriend was cheating on you just to eventually find out that you were right?
When your gut tells you that your boyfriend is not being faithful to you, trust your gut! It’s called women’s intuition for a reason! You’ve been given a special gift that allows you to sense when things aren’t right.
These feelings are usually a result of red flags that your mind has processed, but that you didn’t really pay attention to or you purposefully ignored.
Whether it’s cheating or something else, the next time your gut tells you something isn’t right, don’t just write those feelings off because you may eventually come to regret that decision.
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The Relationship PlayBack
Perhaps your ex boyfriend was very controlling, but you didn’t realize it until you were already in a committed relationship.
Well, the relationship playback, if you’re open to growing, allows you to learn from your mistakes. It really is the best way to avoid carrying emotional baggage from one relationship into your future dating!
The relationship playback is where you take note of those red flags you need to watch for in the future. And, it also gives you the opportunity to recognize and correct those relationship problems that you created or enabled.
So, after a break up, make sure you do the relationship playback so you can gain the wisdom that’s necessary to attract a great, loving, and healthy relationship in the future!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
Related Articles You’ll Like
Red Flag: Does He Pull Disappearing Acts?
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Unfortunately, many women who are hurt by men start feeling like they aren’t as pretty or smart as they really are.
Why is it that women tend to base their self-esteem and self-confidence on how men treat them or feel about them?
The hardships women face in dealing with men, frequently force women to rethink the way they feel about themselves and this isn’t right!!
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Dating Problems Are Just That
The problems you experience in dating are just that, dating problems and nothing more. These problems shouldn’t determine how you feel about yourself and your beauty!
When men have problems in their relationships, do you think they start questioning their self-worth?
Or do you think they take those problems for what they are and not let them turn into other self-esteem issues?
When you have problems in your dating life, you definitely need to do some deep thinking about what went wrong and how you may have contributed to those problems.
But, the last thing you need to start thinking is, “Am I not pretty enough? Skinny enough? Entertaining enough?”
You can’t let a man make you feel badly about those fundamental things about yourself. You felt beautiful when you first started dating him, right? So, why should you not feel beautiful when you stop dating him?
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His Games Shouldn’t Affect Your Self-Worth
Just because a man has chosen to play games with your heart or lead you on, doesn’t mean that you aren’t a great woman! A man’s issues shouldn’t lead you to have more issues of your own.
Take responsibility for the problems you caused or enabled in your relationships, but NEVER EVER think that you are any less of the smart, beautiful, caring woman that you were when he met you.
Your self-confidence should never be a reflection of how men feel about you!
Even if he cheats on you, you can’t start convincing yourself that you aren’t pretty.
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Maintain Your Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem is just that, SELF–esteem. It’s YOU that determines it, not a man and certainly not the world.
You have to know your worth and maintain your self-confidence no matter what you go through with men.
Now, I know it’s much easier to say don’t let men’s bad behavior affect your self-esteem than actually living it.
But, the truth is, you’re giving men way too much control over your emotional well-being and self-esteem by letting them dictate your level of self-confidence.
No matter what you go through in this world, know your worth and NEVER FORGET IT!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee!
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Aside from ending a relationship because of cheating, abusiveness, and other serious deal breakers, there are certain things a woman must do before she decides to leave a man.
I firmly believe that a woman shouldn’t leave the man she is dating until she has tried everything within her power to make the relationship work.
Male or female, no one is perfect. We are all flawed in some way. We can change some things about ourselves, but not everything. It’s up to us to TRY and change those things that we can.
It’s better to give a relationship your all so you can leave with a clear mind. No one likes looking back on a relationship thinking, “Could I have done more to make it work?”
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Boomeranging
If a woman breaks up with a man before trying everything she can to make that relationship work, she’ll most likely look back on the relationship with regret or constantly wonder whether she made the right decision ending it.
And, when a woman is unsure of whether she made the right decision in breaking up with a man, it’s all too easy to end up back in that relationship. She may end up going back to him for round 2, 3, and maybe even 4!
Boomeranging with an ex is a huge waste of your dating time! If it didn’t work out the first time, the chances of it working out in round 2, 3, or 4 are even slimmer!
Instead of boomeranging with your exes, date them once, give it your all, and if it still doesn’t work, move on and NEVER look back!
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Set A Cut-Off Date
If you’re considering leaving your relationship, but first want to try something new so you don’t look back with regret, you have to set a cut-off date for yourself!
Maybe you want to give it 2 months or maybe 6, depending on the depth of your issues. If your issue is waiting for your man to go back to school then 6 months is more reasonable than one or two.
But, never stay in a relationship for more than 2 years waiting for a ring, circumstances to change, or for your man to go back to school. Whatever your thing is, always have a cut-off date.
If you’re not happy by your cut-off date, cut your losses and end it!
You can’t try to make a relationship work indefinitely. Time flies and we’re only getting older.The sad truth is, it gets harder to find a good man and husband as we get older.
If you stay in a relationship too long after you should have left, you’re only hurting your chances of finding what you really want.
And, by staying in the wrong relationship for too long, you’ll still have regret over that relationship, but for a different reason.
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Make Positive Changes In Your Relationship
I’m not at all writing all this to say that you should stay with a man that’s isn’t right for you or treats you badly.
I’m just saying that if you aren’t completely happy in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to try to change what you’re unhappy about before jumping ship.
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Tips For Change
If you’re generally an impatient person, try showing more patience in your relationship. You can also try handling your disagreements differently.
Maybe you’re too aggressive or too submissive in disagreements. Find a balance and change up your usual approach.
When addressing your issues, use the word “I” instead of “You.” You’ll see that people are less defensive when you say “I feel…” as opposed to “You…”
Sometimes we get so used to talking to people or handling issues with them in a certain way that we continue that habit, whether it’s beneficial or not.
So, if you think you may have unanswered questions about your relationship that may lead you back to your man months or years down the line, then put some serious effort into handling things differently in your relationship now.
And, if it still doesn’t work, move on!!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
Dee
Dee's Dating Diary 