Are Open Relationships Just About Sex?

The Urban Dictionary defines an open relationship as, “A relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can’t exactly promise that they won’t see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships.”

Survey Results

In my last post, I conducted an informal survey to see if a large amount of people are open to open relationships. This is what I found:

Of the 9 people who participated in this survey, 7 people (77.78%) said they are open to open relationships and 2 people (22.22%) said they were not open to it. Although only a few people took the survey, I was definitely expecting the results to be the other way around. This tells me that more people are open to polyamorous relationships than I initially thought.

Are Open Relationships Just About Sex?

Having a personal preference for monogamous relationships, I had to get insight from other people to find out what really makes people open to open relationships. What was surprising for me to learn was that having an open relationship is not just about being able to have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want.

While some people, including women, do feel that it isn’t realistic to have one sexual partner for the rest of their life, some people’s preference for open relationships have nothing to do with sex.

So what other reasons do people have for seeking open relationships?

Why People Want Open Relationships

Some people like open relationships because it takes pressure off of the relationship while others feel it leaves them open to meeting a better match or satisfying emotional desires that aren’t being met within the relationship.

If you find yourself in a position where you feel like you’re in love with two people at the same time, an open relationship with both people would be the most ideal path forward (not necessarily for everyone involved though). 

Some people also feel that exclusivity or monogamy has connotations of ownership and possession that they don’t want to subscribe to. These people feel that if they are in an open relationship and their partner chooses to come home to them every night, the decision to be together feels more meaningful since the option to be with other people is readily available.

There are also women who enter open relationships only because it’s what their boyfriend wants and they want to keep their boyfriend happy in order to keep the relationship going. 

Is There Jealousy In Open Relationships?

Canvassing people’s opinions on open relationships has been very enlightening, but it ultimately left me with this question: how prevalent is jealousy in open relationships and can it be resolved without resorting back to a monogamous relationship? 

Let me know your thoughts below and your reasons for preferring monogamous or polyamorous relationships.

Till Next Time,

Dee

P.S. Looking for results-driven dating advice? Check out my new book, Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You DeserveAmazon | Barnes & Noble 

Photo Credit: Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Why Consistency Is The Most Important Characteristic To Look For When Dating

When you’re dating, one of the most important things to look for in a man is consistency. Consistency is truly key!

What Is Consistency?

Consistency in dating basically means that a man’s behavior with you remains the same for as long as you date. 

For example, if you’re dating a man and you see him every weekend for a month then you suddenly only see him randomly on weekdays, this is inconsistent behavior and, therefore, a red flag. If you talk on the phone everyday then only speak only a few times a week or only exchange texts here and there, this behavior is inconsistent and tells you that this man won’t be a long-term partner.

Consistency in dating also includes consistency between a man’s words (what he tells you) and his actions (what he is actually doing). For example, if a man says he is going to call you tomorrow and doesn’t, there’s no consistency between his words and actions.

If a man’s words aren’t consistent with his actions, this lets you know that his words are lies and can’t be relied on. Remember, men’s actions will always tell you how they truly feel about you! A man who is consistent is a man who can be trusted and relied upon. A man who is inconsistent or wishy-washy can’t be trusted and you’ll regularly have the feeling that you don’t know where you stand with this guy.

One day you’ll talk to him and hear all the things you want to hear and you’ll feel great, thinking he definitely wants you in his life. Then the next day (when you haven’t heard from him) you’ll feel like you’re right back to square one, wondering if he really does want to continue progressing towards a serious relationship.

The Negative Effect Of Dating Inconsistent Men

Dating inconsistent men can give you the false feeling that you are in love or quickly falling in love. You’ll develop strong feelings for these types of men, not because you are actually falling in love with the man, but simply because you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with them (Check out my post Are You In Love Or On An Emotional Roller Coaster). 

When you are constantly having to wonder and worry about where you stand with a man or when he will see or speak to you next, it unconsciously makes you feel more attached to the person because you are stressing out about them. It’s not strong genuine feelings that you’re cultivating, it’s just a strong desire for continued attention, and validation or confirmation that dating each other is going somewhere.

In the moments that he’s texting you and whispering sweet-nothings in your ear, you feel amazing, beautiful, loved, and cherished. However, when days go by, in the absence of communication, you feel forgotten, deserted, undesired, insecure, and so much more.

Going from these extreme emotional highs to extreme emotional lows is what builds unhealthy attachments to these men and, consequently, we often mistake this artificial attachment as genuine feelings of love and adoration.

Is His Attention Fleeting?

I recently heard this saying “when a guy burns hot, he extinguishes fast,” and I definitely agree with it to a certain extent. Most of the time, when a man comes on really strong and tries to “lay it on thick,” it’s usually fleeting attention that doesn’t last because his aim is simply to quickly move you to the bedroom.

With this in mind, it’s always a great idea to take your time in getting to know a man and pace the dating so that you don’t get wrapped up in any guy’s facade and you give him enough time to let his true colors show.

If you’ve been dating a man whose communication seems to be dwindling, it’s probably not because he is suddenly busy all the time. When a man’s attention is fleeting, it’s because they’ve lost interest or they never really had interest in pursuing a serious relationship in the first place.

How Inconsistency Gets Manifested As Gut Instincts

I’m constantly talking about how important it is to trust your gut instinct. As much as it can be hard to trust ourselves, you should always listen to what your gut tells you.

Your gut instinct will actually kick in when a man is not consistent with you. If he tells you one thing, but his actions say something completely different, you’ll get that gut feeling that something isn’t right.

However, most women tend to write off their gut feelings that something isn’t right, just to learn much later down the line that they really should have paid more attention to it.

How To Weed Out Inconsistent Men When Dating

As a woman, it’s your job to determine whether a man is being truthful and honest in his feelings for you and you accomplish this by paying attention to his words, actions, and your own gut instincts. The days of letting men sell you the dream are over!

You can no longer just listen to the sweet words that men tell you and think that it is the sole indicator of their true interest in you or love for you. You have to start dating consciously so that you can recognize when a man’s behavior is not consistent with what he tells you. This will allow you to make an informed decision when deciding whether to continue pursuing a relationship with a man you’re dating.

For more great dating advice, grab my new book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve — Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

This Is Why You’re Attracted To Bad Boys

When you come across that bad boy you feel attracted to, what is it that piques your interest in him? Do you know what’s at the root of your attraction?

Why You’re Attracted To Bad Boys

There’s no one size fits all answer to why you date bad boys, but there are a few common reasons that might apply to you. Perhaps you enjoy the thrill of the bad boy lifestyle or maybe you have a habit of dating emotionally unavailable men.

For some women, low self-esteem at the root of dating bad boys because the attention they receive from the bad boy makes them feel better about themselves.

You may even be attracted to bad boys because of your own misperception and misunderstanding about men’s behavior or personality. Several years ago, I read a really interesting article that said women are attracted to bad boys because their arrogance is mistaken for confidence.

Mistaking Arrogance For Confidence

Basically, you might perceive a bad boy as having a high level of confidence, which is a very strong attraction point when it comes to dating. Whether you’re a man or a woman, confidence is sexy, period.

No one wants to date an insecure person who constantly needs pacifying and reassurance. The reality is, a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence is definitely a turn off.

With bad boys being arrogant and cocky by nature, they display what seems to be great self-confidence when in actuality they’re just arrogant. What’s actually pulling you in is not the bad boy’s true confidence, it’s his boastful, cocky, and arrogant nature.

In this respect, your attraction to bad boys is purely based on mis-perceiving their arrogance for confidence.

Ready To Let Go Of The Bad Boy?

When you consider all of this, it makes perfect sense that you might want to date a bad boy. But, now that you know why you may have been attracted to bad boys, will you continue to date them?

Knowing the basis of your attraction to certain types of man is the starting point for change, but you first have to want the change yourself if you’re going to do anything differently.

So, are you ready to stop dating bad boys? 

For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash

15 Signs You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

Today, it’s become harder and harder for some women to decipher their place in a man’s life. They aren’t sure how to define the relationship or don’t know if what they have is a relationship at all.

It’s not uncommon to see a woman give some guy months or even years of her attention just to learn down the line that he never wanted anything that was more than casual.

Communication Is Key

If you find yourself in an awkward space where you don’t know if you’re in a relationship or dating towards having a serious relationship, the best thing to do is to have an open, honest conversation with the person you’re dating to see if you’re on the same page as far as pursuing a relationship.

I think it’s important to note though, that some men will be very vague and obscure when having the “what are we” conversation. Some men don’t want to lose the great situationship they have with you, but also don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with you either.

So, they will try to keep you in limbo for as long as possible so they can delay getting to the point of having to seriously commit to you or break things off.

Signs You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

If you’ve talked about your situationship, but feel like you didn’t get clarity or only feel more confused, consider the following signs to determine whether you might be your guy’s next serious girlfriend or just his late night creep:

1. He Never Spends More Than 3-4 Hours With You

2. He’s Always “Too Busy” To Make Real Plans With You

3. He Never Takes You Out In Public

4. He Only Hangs Out With You After 9pm 

5. All You Do Is Netflix And Chill

6. He Says He Doesn’t Believe in Using Labels (until you see him calling someone else his fiancé a few years later)

7. He Doesn’t Let You Meet His Friends Or Family And Avoids Yours

8. He Pretends Like He’s Alone When Someone Calls Him And Asks What He’s Doing

9. He’s A Ghost When You’re On Your Period And Resurfaces When It’s Over

10. You Only Hear From Him Once or Twice A Week Or Only A Few Times A Month

11. He Rejected Your Facebook Friend Request

12. He Lies And Says He Doesn’t Have A Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat Account

13. He Won’t Commit To Any Future Plans With You (i.e. vacations, trips, weddings, events, etc.)

14. He Says He’s Not “Ready” For A Relationship

15. He Says He Likes The Situationship Just The Way It Is

If you discuss going out in public or becoming more than what you are now and your guy says he likes things just the way they are, he isn’t “ready” for a relationship, or doesn’t think you guys need to define what you are, you’re never going to be in a real relationship with this man and it’s best that you cut your losses and move on, if this isn’t what you want.

For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

How Instant Gratification Is Keeping You From The Love Of Your Life

 If you knew that you were going to meet the love of your life at age 45 or 50, how would this affect your dating life right now? Would you let yourself enter a relationship or get married to Mr. Right Now (also known as Mr. Wrong) because you’re tired of waiting for Mr. Right to come along?

Instant Gratification Vs. Long-Term Happiness

As women, we often have this flawed habit of seeking instant gratification over long-term happiness and viability in a relationship.

What I mean is– when we are dating Mr. Wrong and things start going badly or breaking up is an option that’s on the table, we start thinking about what we will lose or how we will be deprived of affection or companionship or something else if we decide to end things.

This is usually done in place of evaluating whether the man we’re dating is really right for us and contributes to having a positive, healthy, loving relationship.

And so, in fear of losing a companion, being alone, or dealing with the current dating world, we give ourselves instant gratification by staying with Mr. Wrong so we can still have a warm body next to us and not worry about finding a man who is any better.

Why Instant Gratification Is Alluring

Instant gratification is appealing because it immediately satisfies some desire that we have, whether it’s having someone to cuddle at night, being able to say you have a boyfriend, or continuing to reap the financial benefits of dating a wealthy man.

Instant gratification provides instant happiness, but it’s not true, internal happiness and, therefore, it’s not a lasting happiness.

Instant gratification can also be deceiving because those immediate good feelings that come with it can falsely make you feel as though you have made the right decision. But, time will prove otherwise.

The problem is, those happy, content feelings you get from this instant gratification of staying with Mr. Wrong doesn’t last. And eventually the negative feelings you previously harbored start to creep back up, the behavior you were unhappy with starts to rear its ugly head again, and you’re brought back to the very same spot you were before where you to had to contemplate whether the relationship was really worth continuing.

Unfortunately, for many women this is a vicious cycle that’s repeated constantly throughout our lives.

Focus On Your Long-Term Happiness

Instead of focusing on instant gratification, you need to focus on your long-term happiness when you’re evaluating a potential partner or considering whether you should stay with a boyfriend.

Remember, the path you go down if you stay with or marry Mr. Wrong can keep you from meeting Mr. Right. So, is Mr. Right Now worth missing out on the amazing love you could have with your Mr. Right? Probably not!

Keep this in mind the next time you decide to give your problematic boyfriend another chance.

For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Help! He Got My Number Then Asked If I Could Have Kids!

Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,

After a few messages on an online dating website, I gave my number to this really good-looking man. He called me almost immediately and the conversation started off normal enough. However, barely ten minutes into our conversation he asks me, “can you have kids?”

I was so shocked I couldn’t even speak for a moment. After a few seconds I said, “Why would you ask me that??” He said that because he wants to have children he needs to make sure that the woman he dates can have kids.

I told him that it’s obvious from my young age that I can have kids, but that I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy from the question and would feel bad for the woman who has to answer “yes” and explain something very sensitive and personal to a perfect stranger. I said the question was inappropriate and something he shouldn’t ask a woman until he gets to know her well.

At this point, he got defensive and said I should only be offended if I couldn’t actually have kids, but since I can it shouldn’t be a big deal. He had completely turned me off and I was repulsed by him altogether. I eventually ended the conversation and I don’t plan on talking to him ever again. Am I wrong for writing him off?

Dear Dater,

Wow! What a horrible question to ask a woman during the first phone call. You shouldn’t have been subjected to this question so early on and this guy clearly lacks manners and common sense. Whether or not a woman can have kids is a very touchy subject and no woman should have to explain to a man she doesn’t know why she can’t have children.

Although this man says he wants kids and, therefore, needs to ensure he dates a woman who can have kids, this was the wrong way to go about it and he lost a good prospect because of his inappropriateness and lack of consideration of your feelings.

At the end of the day, you shouldn’t feel bad about not talking to this man ever again. Don’t worry I’ll explain why.

Do You Want A Man Who Listens To Your Concerns?

You see, you actually voiced your feelings and let this man know that you felt uncomfortable and offended by his question and instead of hearing you out to understand where you are coming from and apologize for his insensitive question, he tried to convince you that you shouldn’t be offended at all because you can have kids.

Here’s where this man’s thinking is flawed: A question isn’t offensive based on the response a person may give. Certain questions are just offensive on their own no matter what someone’s response may be. 

Since this guy wouldn’t hear you out or try to understand your perspective and instead wrote your feelings off, he’s not the man for you!

Every woman needs a companion who will not only hear her feelings and concerns, but who will also not try to convince her that she is wrong for feeling offended. You want to date a man who can recognize and acknowledge that he has done or said something inappropriate after you explain why something is wrong.

The man who thinks he can do or say no wrong is a dangerous man to date!

For more great dating advice and tips for being safe while dating, check out my new book Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve Amazon | Barnes & Noble.

Yours Truly,

Dee Simone

Wine, Dine, & Book Sign – A Single’s Event

Flyer

Are you single and looking for love?

Join me on Saturday, July 1, 2017 at the Lily Roze Studio in downtown Memphis for a single’s night you won’t want to miss!

Come out to mix and mingle with other amazing single Memphians while you enjoy the music, wine, food, and ice breakers. 

You can also get a personalized, signed copy of my new book, Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Complimentary wine and finger foods will be provided! Space is limited so register for this FREE single’s event today: Eventbrite 

Can’t wait to meet some of you there!

Yours Truly,

Dee Simone