Category Archives: Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), an issue that affects women, children, and even men.

History of Domestic Violence Awareness Month

In 1989, Congress designated the month of October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month and this evolved from the “Day of Unity,” which was conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and held in October of 1981.

“The intent was to connect advocates across the nation who were working to end violence against women and their children. The Day of Unity soon became an entire week devoted to a range of activities conducted at the local, state, and national level,” which had the common themes of mourning those who died because of domestic violence, celebrating those who survived, and connecting those working to end violence (National Resource Center on Domestic Violence).

Resources

Review these important safety tips regarding your use of technology: Safety Tips

There are free cell phone donation programs, shelters, and even housing assistance programs available to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Contact your local domestic violence program, rape crisis center, or domestic violence hotline for more information about resources that are available in your area.

If you have been sexually assaulted, call the U.S. National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE) and you will automatically be connected to a local U.S. rape crisis program based on the area code of your phone number. You can also contact them using a secure, online private chat.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline today for help at 1­-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or TTY 1­-800-787-3224.

If you are in danger, please call 911.

How Instant Gratification Is Keeping You From The Love Of Your Life

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 If you knew that you were going to meet the love of your life at age 45 or 50, how would this affect your dating life right now? Would you let yourself enter a relationship or get married to Mr. Right Now (also known as Mr. Wrong) because you’re tired of waiting for Mr. Right to come along?

Instant Gratification Vs. Long-Term Happiness

As women, we often have this flawed habit of seeking instant gratification over long-term happiness and viability in a relationship.

What I mean is– when we are dating Mr. Wrong and things start going badly or breaking up is an option that’s on the table, we start thinking about what we will lose or how we will be deprived of affection or companionship or something else if we decide to end things.

This is usually done in place of evaluating whether the man we’re dating is really right for us and contributes to having a positive, healthy, loving relationship.

And so, in fear of losing a companion, being alone, or dealing with the current dating world, we give ourselves instant gratification by staying with Mr. Wrong so we can still have a warm body next to us and not worry about finding a man who is any better.

Why Instant Gratification Is Alluring

Instant gratification is appealing because it immediately satisfies some desire that we have, whether it’s having someone to cuddle at night, being able to say you have a boyfriend, or continuing to reap the financial benefits of dating a wealthy man.

Instant gratification provides instant happiness, but it’s not true, internal happiness and, therefore, it’s not a lasting happiness.

Instant gratification can also be deceiving because those immediate good feelings that come with it can falsely make you feel as though you have made the right decision. But, time will prove otherwise.

The problem is, those happy, content feelings you get from this instant gratification of staying with Mr. Wrong doesn’t last. And eventually the negative feelings you previously harbored start to creep back up, the behavior you were unhappy with starts to rear its ugly head again, and you’re brought back to the very same spot you were before where you to had to contemplate whether the relationship was really worth continuing.

Unfortunately, for many women this is a vicious cycle that’s repeated constantly throughout our lives.

Focus On Your Long-Term Happiness

Instead of focusing on instant gratification, you need to focus on your long-term happiness when you’re evaluating a potential partner or considering whether you should stay with a boyfriend.

Remember, the path you go down if you stay with or marry Mr. Wrong can keep you from meeting Mr. Right. So, is Mr. Right Now worth missing out on the amazing love you could have with your Mr. Right? Probably not!

Keep this in mind the next time you decide to give your problematic boyfriend another chance.

For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

9 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date Extremely Jealous Men

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Jealousy has nothing to do with how strongly a man feels about you, but women often mistake a man’s jealousy for love or a high level of interest. There are different levels of jealousy, but if you date a man who is extremely jealous, you’re setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship because real happiness and love just isn’t possible. So, here are 9 reasons why you should avoid dating extremely jealous men:

1. You’re Always On Trial

When your boyfriend is extremely jealous, you have to deal with regular accusations of cheating. You’re always standing trial and being persecuted for innocent behavior. Maybe a male coworker gave you a ride home from work or maybe you went out with girlfriends and came home an hour later than you said you would. No matter what the innocent behavior is, having your life under your boyfriend’s microscope isn’t easy!

2. You Always Have To Prove Yourself

When you’re always on trial, what do you have to do? Prove your innocence! And you better make a good case! When an extremely jealous boyfriend accuses you of cheating, you have to prove your fidelity and love. You have to convince him that you would never disrespect your relationship. But, truthfully, there’s no amount of convincing that you can do to make a jealous man trust you.

Good relationships take enough work to maintain and having to constantly prove that you’re not cheating and you do love your boyfriend is stressful and draining, to say the least.

3. The Relationship May Take a Turn For The Worst

Extreme jealousy could be a sign that your relationship may turn into an abusive one. Abusive men are usually extremely jealous and frequently perceive innocent behavior as evidence of or acts of infidelity. And, these misperceptions are often used as excuses for abuse.

4. Snooping Is Probably On The Horizon

Extreme jealousy can cause other unhealthy behaviors like snooping and even stalking. And, it’s actually very painful and hurtful to know that your boyfriend distrusts you enough to snoop or follow you to places.

 5. He May Never Trust You 

If your boyfriend is extremely jealous, there’s really no trust in your relationship. One of the fundamental elements of a great, loving relationship is trust. If your boyfriend can’t trust you from the moment you start dating, what would ever truly get him to trust you? Besides working on his emotional issues, there’s absolutely nothing you can do or not do that will build your boyfriend’s trust in you.

6. His Jealously May Erode Your Trust

Your boyfriend may never trust you and his jealousy may erode your own trust in him. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t trust you. If you can maintain your trust in the relationship, his lack of trust will surely make you sad.

7. His Distrust May Be A Result Of His Own Actions

Extreme jealousy may be a symptom of your boyfriend’s infidelity in the relationship. Guilty minds blame others. If your boyfriend has not been faithful in the relationship, his guilt may lead him to accusing you of cheating as well.

8. Extreme Jealousy Is A Sign Of A Much Bigger Problem

Extreme jealousy comes from a place of insecurity, not love! Insecurity is deep-rooted and goes far beyond a current relationship. A man whose insecurity leads to jealousy may feel like he’s not handsome enough, muscular enough, or intelligent enough. These aren’t things that you can fix for your boyfriend. Self-confidence starts and ends with yourself. So, unless your boyfriend makes an effort to resolve his insecurity issues on his own, they’ll continue to plague your relationship.

It’s difficult to date someone who is very insecure because they need constant reassurance. You will be expected to make them feel secure. But, if you’re not doing anything wrong, how can you make your boyfriend feel secure in the relationship? Just know that you won’t be able to solve your boyfriend’s insecurity for him.

9. He May Become Controlling

Extreme jealousy due to insecurity could also manifest itself as a controlling nature. An extremely insecure and jealous boyfriend will want to know what you’re doing and who you’re with at all times. He also may try to control or limit your interactions with friends and family altogether.

Obviously, if you’re actually cheating on your boyfriend, then jealousy and insecurity is reasonable and expected. But, if you’re not cheating on your boyfriend and he regularly exhibits jealous behavior, you need to have a conversation about where the jealousy is coming from and how he can resolve those issues so the two of you can have a happy relationship. If he still continues with his jealous antics, it’s time to run for the hills!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. 

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

40 Reasons Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

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The month of October is domestic violence awareness month so I wanted to share some of the things that make women stay in abusive relationships. While some women do know why they have difficulty leaving an abusive boyfriend, some women don’t understand what factors make them stay.

I do think it’s important to know the root causes of your inability to end abusive relationships. In identifying this, you may also be identifying an aspect of yourself that you can work on. For example, if you stay in an abusive relationship because your boyfriend has convinced you that no other man will love you, then working on your self-esteem/self-confidence is important. No woman deserves to be abused and we all deserve so much better!

40 Reasons Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships:

  1. You’re afraid of being alone or single
  2. You’re afraid that no other man will want you
  3. Low self-esteem or you feel inadequate
  4. His job – he’s a cop, politician, or public figure
  5. You think that no one will believe you
  6. Maintaining public images or reputations
  7. The honeymoon phase after physical abuse
  8. You believe his promises
  9. You love him
  10. You think he will change
  11. Your parent’s abusive relationship made this behavior normal
  12. You feel guilty because of how much he has helped you
  13. You’re financially dependent on him
  14. Your history with him
  15. He displays a nice side that you love
  16. He can be very kind and affectionate when he wants to be
  17. You have no support system
  18. You have no means to leave
  19. He manipulates you
  20. He makes you feel like all the relationship problems are your fault
  21. He makes you feel like you deserve the abuse
  22. You have no where else to live
  23. He threatens to commit suicide
  24. Fear – fear of harassment, physical harm, or death
  25. You don’t want to divide your family and take the children away from their father
  26. You’re afraid you would lose your children to him
  27. You don’t want to be a single mother
  28. You’re afraid of going through a break up
  29. You don’t know how to leave the relationship
  30. He has trained you to think that abuse is okay
  31. You don’t realize that you’re being abused
  32. Religious beliefs
  33. Fear of losing everything you have – home, car, belongings
  34. His intimidation, power, and control over you
  35. He apologizes profusely
  36. You don’t want to get divorced and have a failed marriage
  37. You think the abuse will end when he is not stressed
  38. His threats to harm you
  39. You blame yourself for the abuse and think that you deserve it
  40. Pressure from others to make the relationship work

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They’re available 24/7 and it’s completely confidential.

Till Next Time,

Dee

For great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.