Ladies, how many times have you been dating a guy and while it seems it’s going well because you’re hearing from him everyday or every other day, all of a sudden he disappears and you hear nothing for days or a week?
Well, this is a huge RED FLAG!!!
Consistency is Key!
Listen carefully ladies: Consistency is KEY!! Consistency lets you know that a man is who he is claiming himself to be.
A man’s words must align with his actions!
If a man makes promises that he doesn’t fulfill, or a man says he operates one way, but actually does something else, take this as a sign and red flag that this man is NOT who he claims himself to be.
Write The Script and He’ll Play The Part
Many men play “roles” for women. To be clearer, men play the part they think you want them to play in order to get what they want from you!
Let me explain. Say you meet a man and on the first or second date you let him know that your ex never told you that you are beautiful and he never opened doors for you. What will happen is: The man will start telling you that you’re beautiful and opening doors for you.
Why? Because you’ve let him know the role you wanted him to play. You fed him the lines for his character. Your ex didn’t do so and so, therefore, you want him to do or say these things.
Don’t Give Him A Character To Play
While many women see this kind of information sharing as just a way to share themselves and allow a man to get to know them and their past experiences, some men actually take these conversations as “you need to do this if you want to be with me.”
Don’t tell a man what your ex did that you disliked. Why?? So that you can see how this man will actually treat you on his own without prompting from you!
Stop feeding men the lines and roles that you want them to play and let them SHOW you who they will be with you.
Where Does This Come From?
Early on in my dating life, I picked up on the fact that men would try to mimic (not genuinely) the dating preferences I shared with them. This made me more cognizant of the past relationship experiences that I decided to share with new men I dated.
However, it wasn’t until I read the book, “Play or Be Played,” that I realized that this was all a kind of game. This book has great wisdom for women and you should read it at least twice!!!
And, I wasn’t paid or induced to endorse or promote this book. I just have genuine love for it!
While some of you may say, well isn’t it a good thing if he starts playing that role and doing the things your exes didn’t do?? WRONG!!!!
The Role Is Not A Man’s Genuine Self
In fact, a man will play this role, however, he can’t and won’t play this role forever. Most men will start showing their true colors around the 3 month mark. For some reason men can’t seem to keep an act alive for much longer than a few months.
But, it makes sense because its hard to act like a different person or maintain a facade for an extended period of time. This is why you will see a lot of women with 3 month rules, because they understand that you really see who a person is a few months after you’ve met them.
The 3 Month Rule
Now, the 3 month rule does run you the risk of having a man play that “role” more extensively in order to pass your 3 month test. So, if you decide to use the 3 month rule:
1. Be cautious,
2. Keep your eyes open,
3. Listen carefully, and
4. Don’t prompt a man to do what you want him to do, instead, let him show you who he is!!!
When a person shows you who they are, believe it! Stop trying to rationalize a man’s erratic or bad behavior, especially if he isn’t even trying to explain or apologize for his actions himself.
Bringing you back to my original point, if you normally hear from the man you are dating every day or every other day, but there are times that he disappears for days or even weeks at a time and you are unable to reach him, take this as a serious red flag and proceed with extreme caution because there may be a whole lot more to the picture that you don’t see!
Regardless of whether you can confirm that a man’s disappearing act is due to him being with other women or not, you have to evaluate whether this man is right for you based on his actions as a whole, based on the big picture.
To clarify, whether or not you know if this man is seeing other women or is just bad with his phone (rare these days) you have to ask yourself, do I want to be with a man that can disappear for days at a time without communicating or responding to my calls or texts??
It’s A Choice, Not First Come First Served
Unfortunately, many women are so eager to have a man and/or get married that they are ready to seriously date or marry any man that comes into the picture.
However, we can’t be this lax! We have to evaluate EVERY man individually to determine whether this is the kind of man that we really want to be with and who is actually good for us!
This is what you need to ask yourself to determine whether to proceed!
Stop taking any man as they come and start taking control of your dating life. If you pull back from men that exhibit serious red flags, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of heartache and months of recuperating!
Oddly enough, many women are happy to be in relationships that they KNOW aren’t going anywhere. But, wait, there is something they don’t realize.
Unnecessary Relationship = Unnecessary Heartache
By being in an unnecessary relationship, women will take on emotional baggage from this relationship and it could become harder to maintain healthy dating habits in the future.
To put it simpler, by being in an unnecessary or bad relationship, you’ll probably have attitude or negative feelings towards the next several men you encounter and, therefore, someone who may have been a great match for you may be put off by your negative attitude or pessimistic conversations that are really just a result of the trials and tribulations from your previous relationship, which you had no business being in!
Just some food for thought! Start paying attention to red flags because when someone shows you who they are, there is no rationalizing you can do to change them.
Be kind to your body and mind, don’t rack your brain trying to make excuses for a man. If you find yourself doing this, it may be time to move on!
If you’ve been a victim of the disappearing act, I want to hear your story or your thoughts! BUT, remember ladies, after the third time of having a man pull the disappearing act on you, you’re no longer a victim. Instead, you’re a willing participant!
Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and it’s shame on me!!
If you have any thoughts on the “disappearing act,” please leave your comments below, I love hearing your perspective!
For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve
Till Next Time,
See I’m just going through this right now. We’d been “talking” for about 6 weeks. I met him on a dating site instantly the chemistry was crazy. He would call me everyday the conversations were great talking about family, ambitions, religion, music etc and we’d be on the phone for hours minimum 3 hours. We never had sex all within that period. He took me out on a date to the cinemas and we had a great time a week after we started talking. But then a week later the red flags started creeping up he wasn’t calling me everyday anymore so in mind I was just thinking I cant expect him to call everyday it’s not realistic and then he would start taking longer to reply to my messages. One time I messaged him and his reponse was just so off it felt so forced. So I thought let me give him some space. I didn’t hear from him for four days he messaged just “hey” and I reponded with “ohh hey” and he said to me why do you respond like that. I said because i wasn’t expecting to hear from you and he asked me why and I explained. He said to me if I felt a type of way why didn’t I say anything but then said I don’t chase after people if I feel like someone doesn’t want to talk to me I back off. So when he called me that evening he said to be honest “it says a lot about the type of person you are”. So then In mind I started doubting myself maybe i shouldn’t have said something. Anyway thinking that he had understood where I was coming from the inconsistence carried ohh in calling one day then not calling for days later. Then last week it was the same but it’s been over a day and nothing. I refused to contact him I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me. But to be honest this is not the first time this has happened to me with a guy and I don’t understand why? Ive never even been in a relationship and I do show interest interest. It’s so confusing.
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Thanks for sharing your experience Nina! You’re definitely one of many women that go through these types of situations. I know it can be hard dealing with the “disappearing acts,” especially when things seems to be going so well.
What you have to remember in dating though is that consistency is key! If a man is not consistent in his communications with you, he’s not someone you should be putting stock into. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and share your perspective!!
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So this guy pursued me for 3 or 4 years but I was in a relationship. When that relationship ended, I took a break from the dating scene. So when I decided to start dating again, I figured I at least give the guy a chance. Last year, we started “talking” and everything was good. We would facetime, text, and go on dates. He made it seem like we actually had a future together. Then out of nowhere, he disappeared. I’ve never been one to chase, even though it hurt I let him go. After four months of complete silence, I was in a good place. I was dating again and moving on with life. Then out of nowhere, he reappears in my life. I was hesitant and I told him that. I expressed to him how I didn’t appreciate what he did and I was apprehensive to even talk to him. He was saying that he didn’t mean for it to happen like that. He felt I was too good for him and he didn’t deserve me. Needless to say, I decided to give him another chance I did still have feelings for him. We were doing good for 7 months, even with the distance between us. We had normal communication. He would talk a lot about a future with me. He was talking wedding, marriage, moving in together, and even children. I never said much on it but he always did. Throughout our time “talking” we spent time together but we were never intimate with one another. Our conversations werent everyday because I believe there are times when we both need some space. He didn’t like that, he wanted to talk everyday. However, he didn’t contact me. He wanted me contact him, drive to see him, and do everything to make it work between us. I told him that wouldn’t happen that it was an equal thing. He agreed, so he would text me, I would reply and he wouldn’t text back. Or I would text and he still wouldn’t reply.
Our days of communication are fading. We haven’t had a conversation for a week. Of course it was by text in which he never responded back. He didn’t think to at least tell me Happy Thanksgiving! Then two days ago, he texted me saying “Aye” in which I didn’t respond.
If he’s just not into me, I get it. If he has other girls or a girlfriend, I can let him go. Whatever his reason for disappearing out of my life, I can deal with that. But it’s the constant REAPPEARING that I don’t understand. If you do not want to be with me then why not leave me alone? Why stop talking to me then try talking to me again?
Is it about sex? Is this a power or control thing for him? Does this boost his self-esteem? What is his deal?
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Thanks for being so open about your experience.
It can be difficult dealing with men reappearing in your life, especially if you had genuine feelings for them. But, if a man is truly into you, he’s not going to disappear off the face of the earth and then pop back into your life a week or months later.
Many women are perplexed by the fact that some men can ignore texts and calls for days or weeks and come back in the picture like nothing happened. Do men reappear in your life because of sex, power and control, or self-esteem? The answer depends on the man. There’s no one-size fits all answer on this.
The most important thing to remember is that, if he is genuinely interested you, he’s not going to disappear from your life. I really appreciate you opening up and sharing your experience.
And, remember, you’re worth a man staying in touch with you!!
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I am glad I am not alone in enduring this annoying blow to one’s ego! This is the second time in my life this has happened to me. Although this time, it was a completely different scenario…Which does not make it any less irritating. Having been single for longer than I care to admit, I finally succumbed to searching for a man online. Typically, I date younger men for no reason in particular, other than they are the ones who usually pursue me. Most men my age are already spoken for and older men often creep me out. Even though I am 40, I look like I am in my late 20’s. I digress. I met this man, who is a few years older and lives abroad, yet he seemed perfect for me. Geography may be challenging for most, but I love to travel and I am also willing to move if the man is worth it. Seeing as he lives in one of my favorite cities, he matched me wit for wit, is super good looking and challenged me intellectually — it was a no brainer that I would hop on the next plane to meet him. Well, we began corresponding 6 months ago, covering every topic as friends and prospective lovers do. From day 1 it was no secret how much we had in common and how attracted we were to each other. We both admitted how comfortable we were with one another and how unfortunate it was that we lived so far apart. But neither of us seemed to care and we continued building our friendship. About 2 months ago, his father’s health began to deteriorate and he eventually passed, which he reached out to me for comfort and solace. Naturally, I stepped up and was very caring and helpful given the distance between us. We continued to flirt and correspond throughout Christmas and just before New Year’s he disappeared. I am stunned as our last conversation was very endearing and promising that in the coming year we would meet. Now, he has vanished. So in summary, young or old, men are still immature.
Unfortunately, age is not a sign of maturity. The truth is, we choose to grow up. We just can’t help getting older.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your experience!
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Your a genius!!💕💕👊😜🙌👋
You’re too kind!! 🙂
This prospect asked for my number two months ago..he came on strong and acted like a cat marking his territory. I texted him 4 days later..he responded then it went on like that for two months..text massages only but he has never picked up the phone to call. Well that got old I want to know what his intention are, does he like me or what? I worded it very nice and kind. I didn’t go off the handle I kept my cool. I told him if he wasn’t interested that I would be okay with it. No hard feelings. Well that was last night. I haven’t gotten. A text or a call. I told him I liked him but but felt lost since he doesn’t take the initiative to text or call me first. He has in the past but I could count how many times in my left hand. My friends say to be patient that he will respond. I erased his number. I’m 47 years old. I cannot believe these childish games still go on. I like him and would like something to come out of our friend ship but I’m not chasing no man. Sorry, been there done that. I feel numb, kind of hurt..I can’t cry..I have no tears left. I have become the woman of steel.
Oops I pressed the send button too soon. All I want at this time is for him to call or text me back so that I can flip the switch and have the satisfaction of not returning his call. I hope I don’t sound evil..I just want to give him a lil taste if his own med.
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Not getting a response to your texts or calls is never a good sign. The truth is, if he’s not calling or texting, he’s just not interested in you.
It can be difficult coming to terms with the fact that someone you’re interested in doesn’t share the same feelings. But, as hard as it may be to deal with a disappearing man, the worst thing you can do is wait on pins and needles for him to contact you again.
He stopped giving you the time of day and you should do the same. Someone who has showed you their lack of interest should never have the power to hurt you, make you feel numb, or bring you to tears. You are worth so much better, no matter what your age is!!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with the disappearing act! I’m looking forward to more of your comments!
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Here is my story . Very confused . Been off and on with my ex for six years. He keeps doing the disapearing act. The last two times I gave up and move on . I was with someone for two years. He contacted me and I told him I was seeing someone. The two year guy broke up with me and I ended up getting back with my ex. He told me he loved me didn’t know why he did what he did. We went eight months doing good with no disapearing on me. Then after the eight months I thibk I got him mad and that was the last I heard from him. Please help me I want him back but I need to know and understand if he has a routine that he is always going to do this. I haven’t heard from ihim in over two weeks . Please help. Should I try to get him back or is it time to let him go.
The real question you need to ask is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that keeps walking out of your life? While you’ve been stressing out about your ex, he hasn’t shown concern for you and is happily living his life. Ultimately, you don’t want to chase a man back into a relationship. If a man wants to go, you have to let him go.
Take the time you need to heal from this relationship. Don’t worry about your ex, he’s living his life, start living your life again too! I really appreciate you opening up about your relationship and I hope everything works out for the best!!
I have a good story! Dating this guy for almost 9 months…..5 weeks ago he was telling me he was thinking about going back to a bad relationship with a woman who packed up and left him almost a year ago. Then 4 weeks ago he started acting really possessive with me and questioning me about why I don’t answer his calls/texts right away. Now for the last 2 weeks nothing…..no calls, no text messages, nothing!
Because I believe this is a push-pull relationship game that he is playing I have not picked up the phone to call or text him to find out what’s going on.
You’re definitely doing the right thing, it sounds like this guy is all over the place and probably not the best person to continue investing in emotionally. Truthfully, the fact that he was even thinking about leaving you to get back in a relationship with another woman tells you that it’s definitely time to let go and move on.
Whatever this guy is really up to, your energy will be better spent elsewhere. Thanks for reading my article and opening up about your own situation!!
Hello. Thank you for this article. I wish I’d read it three months ago. I met my boyfriend three months ago when he was in town for work. We live in different states. We hit it off immediately and despite the distance, he pursued aggressively. I’m 38 and he’s 36, so I would like to think I’m a little smarter than I’ve behaved. I usually abide by the philosophy that when a guy burns hot, he extinguishes fast. My sister passed away right when I met him, so I was especially vulnerable. The relationship gave me a distraction to help me through the hard times. His sweet messages and proclamations lifted my spirits. It did raise a flag when only two weeks in he started sending me texts like “I ❤ you" (what are we, 14?) and saying how amazing I would look in a wedding dress. After his next visit, we really connected and had a lot of sex. A lot, a lot of sex. I've never felt so much chemistry with a guy. After he went home, his messages escalated to "you're the woman I've waited my whole life for" and soulmate talk. He prompted me to move across the country and to find a job out there.
But despite his professions of love, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't necessarily genuine. He would send me kissy faces over text and tell me how amazing I was but if I wanted to have a normal conversation, he would not respond for hours or sometimes not at all. I would have to reach out again or he would respond eons later with a heart or a "Baby I miss you". He said he missed me all the time and wanted us to live together and get married. But when I tried to talk to him about planning a visit, he would quickly change the subject. I ended up getting a job interview where he lives and told him they would fly me there. He acted very excited and said he couldn't wait for me to visit. I'd already been out to visit him once before and we had an amazing time. This last visit (last weekend) was just as wonderful. He had so many fun (and expensive) activities lined up for us. He'd clearly put thought into it.
Because of my uneasy feelings and noticing that he'd become FB friends with some girls in the two weeks before my visit that didn't quite make sense (they live in my city and are in completely different industries than he's in), I wanted to do some reconnaissance to see if I could learn more about him and find out if he was the real deal. I tried to learn about his friends but he said he doesn't have any close ones. I ended up meeting one when he and I were out by accident. He was odd and standoffish. Wouldn't disclose how they knew each other or what he did for a living. I asked him about the women on FB and he wouldn't look me in the eyes and said he gets introduced to all sorts of people when he's traveling for work. On my previous visit I found a pair of panties in his bedroom, which he said were "old" and a long hair in his car he said was a coworkers but wouldn't say who the coworker was.
He talked about all of these trips he wanted to take with me and I said well, let's just start with our next visit to see each other. He said, we will figure it out. And tried to change the subject. And I said, I would love it if we could just figure out since we were together. I told him in the beginning that to do long distance I need regular communication and plans in place to see each other. If we lived in the same city, we'd probably make plans to see each other again before our date ended. And if not, it's easier to plan to see each other when you live close. Planning travel takes time and money. And lately, it had been me paying to come to see him. He had only come to see me when his work paid for it.
He said he would come to my state in September some time. I said that's a ways off. What are you doing for all of August? He wouldn't say and said, it's not that far away. I said, so you want to wait 4-6 weeks to see me? And he said, "baby I would see you every day if I could." I said that when he comes to town, I don't see much of him because he goes out to dinner and then drinks with his coworkers. He said he would come in early. Then he asked if it bothers me if he goes out with his coworkers. I said I understand he has obligations but I guess I didn't understand why he had to go out until bar close every night with his coworkers when he and I don't see each other that often. Maybe there was a way we could meet up? He did not like this and changed the subject.
We went to bed and actually had very romantic sex. At the end he said he felt a strong emotional connection to me. The next morning, he drove me to the airport and I haven't really heard from him since. He texted me back when I landed and said he was glad I was home. No "baby" or "love" or any emojis as usual. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night or the next day. I texted and asked if he was okay and he said he was sick. I let him be for another day and the next day I texted and asked if he was alright and he said yes but was feeling pensive and I asked about what and he said he would call me and we'd talk. I said okay. Then asked if he was annoyed at the comment I made about him going out with his coworkers. That I was sorry if I sounded controlling. It's just that we don't get much time together. He responded that he was bothered by it and was feeling pressure and didn't like that I posted FB pictures of the two of us (even though he was aware I was doing so and said I was his girlfriend and the love of his life so …). I said okay, well, we can discuss your thoughts when we talk. He didn't call. He sent a text at midnight that night after NOT calling and just said, "goodnight". I didn't get it until the morning. I responded and said good morning. And that I would still like to talk. Nothing. I waited a couple more days and reached out one more time and said, if he needs space or has decided this is no longer working for him, that's fine. I'd just appreciate the respect of knowing. He did tell me he loved me after all. Nothing.
Our photos are still up on his FB profile but he's radio silent. I don't know what to do. My friends say he's a bad apple and was never serious about me. That all the lines he fed me were lines. I just don't understand why he would go to such lengths to pull one over on a 38 year old woman who lives in another state. Did he realize he wasn't ready for commitment? Was he just playing me and realized it wasn't going to work on me because I asked too many questions? I'm debating sending him a final message to end it on my end, just for closure's sake or just letting it go. I'm very hurt. It's so cowardly to leave me hanging and I can't believe after everything he told me that he would care so little about my feelings. I feel like I'm way too old to be dealing with such childish behavior, so I'm just not sure how to respond. Any help?
I never heard of the philosophy “when a guy burns hot, he extinguishes fast,” but I do agree with it to a certain extent. Most of the time, when a man comes on really strong and tries to “lay it on thick,” it’s usually fleeting attention that doesn’t last because his aim is simply to quickly move you to the bedroom. So, it’s always a great idea to take your time in getting to know a man and pace the dating so that you don’t get wrapped up in this guy’s facade and you give him enough time to let his true colors show.
As much as it can be hard to trust ourselves, you should always listen to your gut instinct. If your boyfriend, or the guy you’re dating, doesn’t return your phone call sometimes, that’s a huge red flag that you can’t write off or ignore. And, finding another woman’s underwear in your boyfriend’s bedroom is something that just shouldn’t happen if he really feels that you’re the love of his life.
Your boyfriend said that he missed you all the time and wanted to live together and get married, but when you tried to talk about planning a visit, he quickly changed the subject. When he came in town to visit you, it was only when he had to be there for work and he spent most of his time on the trip working and drinking with coworkers until the bars closed instead of spending his post work-dinner time with you. He also said you were the love of his life, but didn’t like the fact that you posted Facebook pictures of the two of you.
Your boyfriend’s words and actions were never in sync. When dating, one of the most important things to look for in a man is consistency between his words (what he tells you) and his actions (what he is actually doing). If a man’s words aren’t consistent with his actions, this lets you know that his words can’t be relied on. Remember, men’s actions will always tell you how they truly feel about you.
Sadly, there are some men with travel-heavy jobs that will go great lengths to cultivate and maintain hookups in the various cities they travel to for work. This is definitely one of those guys. Your friends are 100% correct and you deserve much better than the scraps that this guy was trying to give you.
Thanks for checking out my post and I really appreciate you sharing your experience Amy!
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I met a older guy and we met 5 times. He was flirtatious and suggestive but said he was a gentleman. The last meet he invited me over for a massage. But seemed a little hesitant. I went and spent the night. We had a massage and even though things could of gone further they didn’t. After this he went silent. No text no calls nothing just crickets. I didn’t chase him and went quiet also. 3 wks later he appears on the dating site winking at me so I ignore him. He eventually does message with a how’s the dating going.
I’m totally confused by this guy.
If a man is inconsistent with you, this is a red flag. It sounds like this guy may have been looking for much more when he invited you over for a massage. And, he may have lost interest when you weren’t willing to go further with him. If this is the case, this definitely isn’t the type of man you want to date, let alone chase.
If you want a man who has a genuine interest in you, it’s time to get back out there and open yourself up to meeting new men. Thanks for checking out my post and sharing your recent experience!
The fact that this strand has been going on until now just goes to show how common this situation really is. However, when it happens to you personally it does not feel so common – it feels darn personal. I have been on an online dating site since June and have found that guys do not really bother to contact me first. I made an effort to have a professional profile writer do my profile and had professional photos taken. After a month I decided to be brave and start sending guys I thought would match well short “hi there, if you think we have something in common, send me an e-mail” type of messages. This one specific guy replied very enthusiastically saying that he would get back to me on Saturday. So Saturday came and went and a week later I send him a general “hi there” message. We started corresponding and I have to say, it has been a lot of fun. I had a few crazy deadlines as did he but he often assured me that he will make time for me no matter what – it was very important to him to maintain balance between his work and private life. He also suggested we must have coffee at the end of August when things are quieter and work pace is slower – to which I responded “that would be lovely but ask me again closer to the time”. Then I went away for a long weekend and when I returned I heard nothing from him. I also had terrible deadlines and really thought he would send me a message of encouragement – you know, just a short “thinking of you, will be praying for you – you’ve got it” kind of thing, but nothing. Then – fool that I am – once again messaged him after my hectic schedule ended – jokingly sending him a picture of smoke signals saying “hi there, hope you are doing okay…” Of course the communication then picked up again. He apologized for being so quiet – he knew that I was going to be crazy busy and was waiting to hear from me about how my long weekend was etc. We had a number of good conversations and he time and time again told me how he enjoys my e-mails and I did the same – because I really did enjoy his e-mails. We’ve been mailing daily for two weeks when his mails stopped coming. Since Monday I have not yet heard as much as a peep from him and it is now Thursday. I’ve been asking myself what is going on here. He will be able to find me if it is really important to him. If life is crazy all of a sudden he has the ability to just send a short few words to say so – if it is truly important to him. That thing of when in doubt there is no doubt has reared its head, and I must be honest with myself by acknowledging that there is a definite pattern here. I am a firm believer of “start the way you intend to go on in future” and this is not what I want for my future. After 6 weeks I am sad to stop all communication with him because I do think he has good qualities, but it took me a long time to recover from divorce after 23 years of married life, and I have to be kind to myself and take care of my own emotional health as well. I do not wish to enter in a relationship that has all the makings of being an emotional roller coaster adventure. This was a very good exercise putting to words and seeing it written in front of me. Thanks for providing this platform.
You’re actually right, expressing your experiences and feelings, whether written or verbally is a great and healthy exercise. And, another added benefit of doing this is that it forces you to confront what you’ve been dealing with. Things tend to be easier to ignore and overlook when they stay in our heads, which is why it’s great to have a good dating coach on hand!
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and share your experience with me and other women!
I am in a 5 mos relationship and am in love. We have amazing chemistry BUT he keeps disappearing. We will have plans that he will say he forgets and then when I do get him on the phone to confront him about them, usually it will be once the plans have been ruined. Good example was I spent NY Eve alone. He forgot we had plans and fell asleep after working that day! When we had plans. When u confront him about the situation he is extremely agitated, usually hangs up on me and then disappears for a week. After which he will call day he was wrong and try to do something nice. This affects me tremendously, but also my 15 year old. I am a single mom. He and my daughter are super tight and she gets upset every time he does this. This is the 5th time in 5 months. I don’t know what to do????? When we are together we are great but this is killing our relationship !help! I need advice
You need to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his disappearances make you and your daughter feel. If he isn’t receptive to the conversation or disappears again to avoid the issue, you need to decide whether you really want to continue dating a man who has no problem jumping in and out of you and your daughter’s life.
Thanks for reading my article and sharing your experience! I truly wish you all the best.
I was dating a guy that seemed to disappear a lot for around 2 months. He told me he wanted to take things slow since he was just out of a relationship. I said that was ok but I wanted to see him more. After this I noticed that he pulled back and while we were both out of town were barely in contact. He ended both texting conversations by not responding. This was a 2 week period or so since we had seen each other. Finally a week later I got fed up and told him I didn’t think he was interested anymore so I was letting go. I saw that he went back on the dating site we met on and that hurt but I am moving on. Do you think I made the right choice?
You definitely made the right choice! This guy clearly showed you that you aren’t a priority to him and the interest just isn’t there. I know it’s hard to see a guy go back on the dating site where you met, especially if you are actually into him. But, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself, this guy is certainly not worth your time or energy.
Thanks for checking out my article and taking the time to share your experience!
I was dating a guy for almost 3 mths.
He’d come on fast to begin with and after the 3rd date he had said he wanted to be more than friends. He told me he loved me after only 3 wks. He introduced me to friends and family. Took me out on dates. Seemed very genuine and caring guy. But did claim to be a victim in his last relationships. Was cheated on. All was going ok until I missed a goodnight text then he went quiet. He texted a day later and after 2 messages he ignores mine and leaves me hanging. I didn’t play into it and left him to it. He then asks me if he’s reading too much into the lack of communication, even though it was him that had ignored me. The next day he sends me a message saying he didn’t think it was going to work long term. No sorry nothing just a smiley face. What the heck did I do wrong?
It seems he was very upset that you didn’t respond to his goodnight text and pulled back from there. Instead of addressing it directly and openly telling you how he felt, he chose to take the childish route of blowing you off and then trying to flip it around to make it look like you were the withdrawn one. Honestly, he did you a huge favor by ending things, this wasn’t the guy for you!
Men sometimes pulled back because they have “unfinished business” with another. He might now have to decide where he wants to go from here. He has to choose….cut him loose. You may have liked him but if he does this once, he will bounce back and forth again.
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Hello May name is Tiffany,
I am currently dating a guy who is an over the road trucker for about 6 months. Yeah I know. His bread and butter is driving and he is all over the United States driving. I met him when I was in middle school so we have history. He was my childhood crush. So I said what the heck. Things were great at first and we talked for hours on end. We have a real connection with deep conversations. I don’t see him very often like 3 times since we dated. During some of the conversations, it’s like he would compete with me and lie about things that happened. Maybe he forgot that I was there when he grew up?!?! Anyways. He started disappearing for entire weekends or one ore 2 days. He would say he lost his phone, got arrested, went out with friends got drunk, whatever. Just like real crappy reasons. This past weekend, he did it again. I feel so upset. Because he was treated horribly by his last relationships according to his friends and family. I see the red flags and feel almost defeated that this relationship will end. I am a good woman that only wants his love not his money because I got my own. I can’t get him on the phone and have a feeling I’m going to to have to end it.
You have to trust your gut, it’ll never take you in the wrong direction. At the end of the day, you deserve a man that isn’t going to disappear on you because he went out and got wasted with his friends.
I am going through a very nasty divorce and me this guy, I opened up to him about what I was going through and he seemed to listen, Its only been about 2 weeks, everything seemed great, I went to his house, but never went in, he reassured me that he is single, but if your such a good man, why are you single is what I keep asking, but when the weekends come I never hear from him, its definitely a clear warning sign, I dont think I would like to start a relationship, where a man can’t be honest, one main reason on why a man doesn’t answer is because he’s tied up with someone else, because if he likes like he says he does, he wouldnt disappear, I think its a clear sign that he is not single. Oh I’ve tried to leave it alone but he persisted I was giving up something that could be great. Im definitely bothered by it and think I know my answer..Whats your opinion.
You are definitely right and it’s always best to trust your gut! And you don’t want to be with a man you can’t even get in touch with over the weekends.
Ok, I’ve been on and off with my ex for over 3 yrs now. We got engaged in January of this year and he has disappeared several times to just reappear. Yes I throw him out but his actions don’t match anything he has ever promised me. When he’s gone he texts me nasty stuff usually talks about my mom and father and myself. I was always suspicious about his cell phone to begin with, he’s had the same number for over 12 yrs and won’t change it. I find that strange. He shuts his phone off at night and during the day he shuts his ringer off and says he doesn’t want anyone to bother him, I’m far from dumb I know there are females calling and texting the problem is we were engaged he’s 49 I’m 38 shouldn’t be be more mature at his age? I don’t understand why he even proposed. He leaves comes back leaves comes back. He never even shared with any of his friends that he was even engaged to me which I find he’s hiding me from his real world. He claims he’s never lied to me never cheated on me I just don’t but it any of it so I threw him out last week. I miss him but I know he doesn’t truly love me, I don’t believe he ever did, do you?
From the sound of it, no. A man that truly loves you would not say nasty stuff about you and your parents. This sounds like emotional abuse and you should never date anyone that abuses you physically or emotionally. And him hiding the engagement from his friends is not a good sign either. You did the right thing.
My boyfriend of three years keeps doing this to me.
Back then he’s just gonna ignore my phone calls everytime he was upset.
Once he decided not to come home. We were living together at that time, not anymore.
Then it got worse, he starts dissapearing ever once in a while. Could be for days or even weeks. I always be the one who approach him, just to find myself being bullied.
He keeps asking about marriage, but if you were in my position, you’d know by heart why saying yes is not an easy thing to do despite the fact that you love him so.
And when I finally said yes.. he disappeared.
I can’t stand this anymore. You are tight, I’m not a victim, I’m a willing participant and I hate myself for trusting him that much.
Now I try to heal and give him space. Even if he got back to my life, I need to stop denying that he’s not the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t imagine living that life.
If any of you experiencing the same treatment from your beloved. Please, learn to love yourself, bit by bit. We’re not gonna have different result by applying the same approach over and over again. And it’s proven.
Great advice! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your experience. It’s never easy dealing with the disappearing act, but taking responsibility for our acceptance of it is the first step towards better relationships. You said you can’t imagine living that kind of life. I think most women feel the same way, but it’s hard to walk away.
I am so glad I am not alone. I met this guy on a dating site 3 weeks ago. I wasn’t really interested at first but we exchanged numbers and began texting. It became daily communication. New years eve we talked in the phone for the first time and it was like we knew each other. Conversation flowed. Texting became intense. We knew we liked each other. We meet two days later and the physical chemistry was amazing!! He started the deep texting about wanting to continue seeing me and possibly moving into a relationship. I was game!! He was good looking and we had so much in common…..connected on all levels. We met up again and again the chemistry was amazing. He didn’t want to have sex (although I wasn’t ready for it yet) until later. He wanted to take things slow and build a relationship and when the time was right, it could happen. Texting everyday, all day. Good morning texts, good night texts. Just everything I wanted to hear. I was in heaven!! Last text I received was this past Friday, just a normal “good morning beautiful, have a good day, I miss you”. Since then he has disappeared. I texted later that evening as I usually do when I get home and nothing. I called and after two rings it went to voicemail which meant he declined the call. I know he has been stressing over finding fulltime work BUT I don’t deserve this at all. He knows how I feel about him and now I am just in total shock. I feel so foolish right now that I let the guard I had up for so long to be treated like this.
While you may feel like you did the wrong thing by letting your guard down, it’s really the only way to let love in. Obviously, the risk of letting your guard down is the possibility of getting hurt, but that risk is worth it if it means getting that great love you really want. It’s unfortunate that this guy lost interest, but looking on the bright side- now you have the chance to meet the right person for you. It’s okay to feel let down because it didn’t work out, but you can’t dwell on it and stay down. Start doing the things you enjoy and love to bring more joy into your life. You’ll meet a great man when you least expect it.
i have been dating a guy for almost a year, and in the past 6 months his ex and her friends have harrassed my relationship with him, claiming he is cheating and still contacting her wanting a relationship, i just deemed her as crazy and still in love with him. but since he has gone back into the mines, he is 7 on 7 off, on his weeks off he usually comes back to mine but for the past month and a half the week leading up to when he comes back he is all keen to come home and then come friday – no word from him – his phone is off – i hear nothing untill he goes back to work the following week.
the first time he did this, he was upset about what the girls were saying to try and destroy his relationship
the second time – he got a flat tyre and apparently ended up in hospital after fainting. never got actual proof of this.
third time – our messages were not going through to one another i wasnt receiving his and he wasnt receiving mine.
4th time – still no contact – no idea. as he is still MIA
so i know he has had issues with finances, stress, friends and family, so iv been very tolerant and patient because it hasnt been easy. but now there is nothing to justify or excuse his actions. he says he loves me and he knows he shouldn’t dissapear and he wants to be with me – BUT ALL HIS ACTIONS SAY DIFFERENTLY. so iv had to break up with him via a text ( he doesnt come home for me to do it person )
he hasnt gone back to work yet, but im sure il probably hear from him if he figures out a way of contacting me when iv blocked him from every way possible of contacting me. but I have put up with enough of this behavior and no he is just taking the piss, you know its first signs of emotional abuse, its shit that there are people out there like this. is so so shit. and its even more shit that a good relationship has come to end because he was never who he made out he was. Sad time for me right now but i know il be better off for it. just got to get through this feeling of feeling the fool.
You definitely shouldn’t feel like a fool! He took advantage of your love and trust by feeding you lies instead of being straight forward and just ending the relationship. You clearly learned from the situation and that’s all that matters in the end. You didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry you had to deal with it. The right man will come into your life, don’t give up hope!
Ok so I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now and thing are usually great. But every Monday he plays this disappearing act. He like call me first thing in the morning and feed me this story about spending the day with his mom or sleeping all day. Then I won’t heat from him for hours. Like all day. Other than an occasional short text saying hey or something sweet but when I respond back he won’t answer back for hours. Then around 8 or 9 pm he will be back. And talking and responding like normal. This has been happening on a weekly basis since we started dating… And the thing is he was dating a girl that lived a few hours away and would visit her very Monday and Tuesday. She told me last week she spent the day with him. And when I talked to him about it he of course denied it. But it still seems so strange for him to do this every week.
You may really like this guy, but deep down inside you know the truth. Trust your gut, it’ll never fail you!
I have dated my boyfriend for almost two years now. Three and a half weeks ago, he asked for some space. Now, this was space, he went to Chicago, 980 likes away to be with his family. I was like, okay. Things have been good but he never has any time to talk to me, like on the phone. I call him, no response, cool. So, I text him, he answers most, but this past week, since Thursday, he has disappeared. I am scared. I don’t know if he is pulling away. I know he wanted space but he agreed that I was still to communicate with him. I just, I don’t see what I did wrong in my relationship to make him leave. I know we had gotten I’m an argument but it was dumb. It is Saturday morning, I sent him a text but I feel that my actions Thursday morning, led to him pulling away and disappearing. At 1 am, he changed the password to an account, I didn’t think much of it. I had a severe mental breakdown because I didn’t know what to do at that time so I texted him maybe 3 footling passages, and several other messages over the period of 5 hours, I got mad when he didn’t respond and basically said that “is all you wanted from me was a check?” I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that he doesn’t live me anymore but it comes out if the blue.
I’m sorry to hear what you went through. Unfortunately, if a man asks for space and disappears on you, he is pulling away. The good thing is that this gives you an opportunity to evaluate the relationship and determine if it was really right for you.
Ultimately, you deserve a man who wants to stay in your life!
This is “day 4” that my boyfriend has been MIA. First I should explain that he does not have a phone, BUT he’s always made the effort to call me every single day. It’s a bit hard/annoying that I can’t call, or text him when I feel like it…but he was always consistent, so I was never too annoyed lol. We have only been together for a month now, but I have known him for about 6 months total, as just friends. We went into this crazy fast though. After only 2 dates, we mutually decided that we were boyfriend, and girlfriend. In 30 days time, we spent 15 of those days/nights together. We were so happy. We talked about anything, and everything. We didn’t have a single argument. If either of us had a concern, we’d talk it through. Everything seemed “perfect”. Until…We were out having drinks last Saturday night, and things got a little out of control (…he’d had way too many). He wanted to go to an after party…I wanted to go home. We had some “words”, but not shouting, or name calling, or swearing etc etc. He wanted to keep drinking…I thought it was “time to go home”. I didn’t actually tell him that he’d had enough. But I did tell him that he had no beer to bring to a party, nothing was open to buy any, and he had no “cash” left to “contribute” to whomever may “share” with him. It was 2am…we should just go home. Suddenly he threw his arms up saying that I was being difficult, and causing drama for no reason, and started stomping away. I wasn’t going to chase after him, so I just said- OK bye! He said- Fine, bye! So I guess that was our “first fight”. BUT he caught up to me outside. He started rambling that it’s been a long time since he’s been “in a relationship”, I need to be more patient with him. I told him that I have plenty of patience, I just think it’s time to go home. He started to get angry again, and told me that he’s not a mind reader, I need to tell him what’s really on my mind!!! I told him that I talk to him ALL the time, but tonight he’s had a LOT to drink. He yelled, what’s going on with you tonight? Do you even want to be with me anymore??? Admittedly, I did get a bit teary eyed, because he’d never yelled at me before, and I had a few drinks in me too. But I replied- Do you even want to be with me anymore??? Because you’re not acting like it right now. His face turned soft, he quieted his voice, and he started wiping at the tears in my eyes, and he said- I’m yours…and you’re mine. That’s it. You and me. He touched his head, and said- you live in here, and he touched his chest over his heart, and said -and you live in here. You’re always with me…of course I want to be with you! And we’re going to be ok. But for right now, I’m going to go back inside, and be with my friends. I will come and see you tomorrow, I promise. Everything will be “ok” tomorrow. I agreed, and said ok. He hugged me, and kissed me good bye….And I have not heard from him since. It’s eating away at me that I can’t contact him, since he does not have a phone…but my rational brain is telling that IF he wanted to talk to me…he would, because he always did before. In our late 30’s, I thought we were more mature than this. But here I sit wondering if I’ve been “ghosted” (…and it kills me to use that term)…or if he’s just taking sometime to re-evaluate how fast we’ve been moving. 4 days though…with no contact? It is also not lost on me that he knows that I have a cellphone, and a landline. IF he wanted to simply let me know that he was “ok”, or taking sometime, or even breaking up with me…he could leave me a voicemail on the landline, when he knows that I am at work. So I am very aware that this is a “choice” that he’s making…which breaks my heart. I really care about this guy, so if he wanted to take a step back, go slower, or even break up…we could work it out, or just be friends, or even just part ways “nicely”, with some closure. But I can’t tell him any of that…if he won’t talk to me. And it hurts that he’ll never know that I just want him to have a happy life, even if it’s not with me…but it might hurt a little more that he seemingly does not respect me enough, to want the same for me. I’m giving him a week. If he does not “re-appear” after day 7…I will assume that I have been “ghosted”, and move on.
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You are right–if he wanted to talk to you he would find a way to get in touch with you, period. It’s really hard to come to terms with this, but the sooner we embrace it the sooner we can move on and attract something better.
It also sounds like this guy was punishing you and pushing you away for not wanting to continue drinking and partying the night away. There’s nothing wrong with having fun, but in your late 30’s you need to know when the party is over and this guy may not be mature enough for where you are in your life. I’m glad you set a cut off time for yourself and I hope you stay optimistic in your search for love!
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Knew this man for several years. The first time he called me, he was out of a relationship. I was also in an awkward relationship situation. We went out, he came on a bit quick and heavy, after 2 dates, poof! So 2 weeks later, I wrote him a message. He said he was having difficulty moving on from his ex and still loved her. We agreed to have a one-time sexual fling. Well, after that, we parted ways. Some months later, again, he called. We went out and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no, because I still had feelings for my ex. He disappeared again. Some months later, again, he reappeared, we had another short lived fling, he would make suggestions about being in a relationship, but I shot him down. He disappeared for about a year. Then reappeared again with a call, we set up a date, except he never called to follow up.
1.5 years later, again, mind you, I had forgotten about him, he calls me. I was shocked. We went out as friends. I told him I was in a relationship, but a long distance one. He was a bit sad. I told him it’s better not to contact, but he asked me to keep in touch and send him a message if I moved out of the country. Well, next days, he did invite me for dinner, last minute, sent me a lame text saying he’s fixing his tires, he’ll call back, never did.
Every time he reappears, it’s always, oh, I always liked you but wasn’t in the right mind set. I don’t think he’s reliable as a partner. He can’t even send a simple text saying hey, sorry, can’t make it tonight. He stood me up a few times during our fling. I do have a weak spot for him however, I know better he’s not reliable and would not consider him as a boyfriend.
I don’t understand why this man keeps reappearing months and years down the road? I’ve known him for 6 years but he’s been pulling appearing and disappearing acts for 3-4 years. The last time we met up, he hinted at a relationship but I hinted no. He’s a weak spot for me, but his character doesn’t give off a good vibe.
I believe he keeps reappearing and appearing because you allow him to. He’s not serious about you either mainly because you rejected him. That’s his sign you are a hole. When you bruise a man’s ego even once, they will put you in the “she just a hole to dig in catagory”. I also think you like it because there is a block feature on your phone that kills all of this no sense. Block, move on and know it’s time to respect yourself. You should be tired and stop being some dude’s play hole. Best of luck to you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kay. I think on a certain level, we all like the attention (although fleeting) we receive in the reappearing act and men tend to lay it on thick when they’re coming back in the picture. The problem is, it’s not a healthy attention that we should want or accept in our lives. We all deserve better!
Thanks for sharing your experience with the disappearing act!
This guy could be reappearing every so often because he’s lonely or looking for a fling, but either way you know you’re not interested in dating him seriously so he’s really only wasting your time. You don’t need to reconsider whether you should date this guy just because he keeps popping back into the picture.
I do think it’s important to mention though that if you keep letting him come back into your life whenever he decides to call or text you, you can expect him to randomly contact you for a long time to come since you’re always receptive to it.
Save yourself the annoyance from dealing with this unreliable guy and resist the urge to play into his disappearing and reappearing acts.
I wish you all the best in life and love!
Thanks for the information I needed it I’m now enlightened
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed the read!
I’m very confused because I know I have issues with trust. I’ve been seeing someone for 8 months. we started off as friends and had a very open wonderful relationship. after eating though, he isn’t as open as he was. He hides more from me. He is definitely a workaholic and spends hours at his workplace but he also has many female friends who come by his work. i know some of them, they are great. He is flexible enough to be able to have visitors. We have a great communicative relationship but sometimes he does disappear. This triggers me as he might go radio silent for a day or two but then he comes back and shares that he needed space to think about stuff, apologizing and this we talk about. He gets a lot of texts from women, he has shared about some of them but there are a couple i know about who he has never mentioned to me. When I am away for work he will often have dinner with them. or i hear the same names mentioned but don’t feel right about it. (my feelings have been wrong before). When i am around though, some of these girls are never around. It could be coincidental, but there are some red flags. I’ve snooped before– after he told me about a girl he was talking to, I saw they had facetimed each other after the fact and i called him on it….so now, his facetime is turned off on his computer. This is where I am confused. is he hiding something or just really not down with me knowing his business? also, emails don’t go to his computer when i’m there. i can see how he may be triggered by the fact that i have checked in the past.
The other night he said goodnight but later while i was at a concert, i saw he was online. i asked him if he was awake but didn’t hear from him till the next morning….he said it must have been a glitch, he was asleep. little things like that confuse me. Right now, my stomach is turning and he said he was at dinner with a friend…why do i feel this way??
please help…thank you-
Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through. You’re not alone in how you feel, many of us have been– worried about the real nature of some so-called “platonic” friendships.
You really answered your own question, but I’d be glad to break it back down to you. You feel the way you do for a number of reasons– 1. Your guy has a lot of female friends, which would make plenty of girlfriends uncomfortable, but the real issue is #2– 2. He is hiding some of his friendships with women from you, a big red flag; and 3. He’s pulling disappearing acts on you. No woman would feel comfortable with this combo!
Here’s the thing, it’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you hide that friendship it suggests that there’s more to it than just a friendship. The person you are in a relationship with is the one person that you should be able to bare your soul to and share your deepest feelings with. So, if you’re dating someone that can’t even be open about all of their friendships, that’s a huge problem.
Your stomach is turning right now because you don’t trust your man being out with one of his secret female friends and he hasn’t allowed you to build trust in him because of his secretive nature and disappearing acts.
Furthermore, the disappearing act is one of the most disrespectful things that men do to us. There’s nothing wrong with wanting personal time and space, but you don’t get it by ignoring someone and leaving them worried until you feel like talking to them again. It’s such a selfish, rude, and inconsiderate thing to do to someone! But worse than that, is our acceptance of it! You see, the disappearing act is a serious problem, but what’s worse is telling a man that it’s okay to do that to you by holding your front door open for him to walk back inside.
If you want space or a little personal time you verbalize that on the front end so your absence is not categorized as a disappearing act. That’s what decent human beings do.
You deserve to date a decent human being, don’t you agree?
I’ve been seeing this guy for 9 months and entry few months he disappears. Out of state disappears. He goes all over the country and doesn’t tell me where or why. He texts me infrequently while he’s gone and if I ask where he’s going he is vague. “Up Norrh is the answer I got this time. I feel like an idiot because I know it’s not normal and I truly wish I didn’t care. My gut says he’s got women in multiple states but, seriously, why? LOL. Anyway, thank you for what you wrote. It really helped me. Time to let this guy go.
I’m so glad that what I wrote here has helped you!
Don’t beat yourself up though, we’ve all been there– caring about a man that wasn’t worth our time and wishing he was giving us more attention or treating us better even though we really just need to move on.
Why have women in multiple states, you ask? Because they can–because we allow men to make us into placeholders for when they finally feel like giving us the breadcrumbs of their attention. Positive changes in the dating world must begin with us, women!
Thanks for checking out my post and I wish you all the best in life and love!
I was in a situation where my man disappeared on me over the this Thanksgiving holiday. I cooked for my sons and him thinking we would have a nice dinner together like we did the year before and he was a no call no show. After three Thanksgivings together he disappeared for the entire weekend and when he finally reached out to me that following Monday he tells me that he spent time in the emergency room dealing with his sick brother. He claims he was dealing with his family all weekend but I went past his house that Saturday and his car was there. I know that his brother is Ill and has been for a while but I also know that there is something else going on. I have had the feeling that he was lying to me for years but every time I have attempted to catch him doing something I come up empty looking like a fool . My gut is telling me that something is wrong but I can’t find the evidence that I have been seeking. I know with everything in me that something is going on and it has nothing to do with me being paranoid, I just know the signs when I see them. This pass weekend we spoke all day on Saturday but on Sunday I received a message in the morning that he was still sleeping and I have not heard from him since. I even rode to his house but he would did not answer and his home looked dark but his car was outside. I have been fighting thoughts of him with another woman and I am trying to focus my mind on something else but that has been very hard to do. I know that he has some issues that he is dealing with like the deteriorating health of his brother and he just recently lost his job. He is also a drinker and he did mention to me that he was dealing with depression because of the stress and pressure he is under. I still feel that none of that will stop him from fooling around with someone else eespecially if hes been with this person for awhile. I truly want to be supportive because I can relate to his pain of being unemployed, I empothise with him because I have walked in his shoes, but I also know him to be a creature of habit, we both are. We normally communicate everyday, many times a day unless he is doing his disappearing act. I don’t want to accuse him but this behavior is very questionable. He just told me on Friday that he is 57 years old and he is to old to be playing them kind of games but then he go and does this. I also know that he is the type of person that has no problem ignoring his phone no matter who is on the other line. He does it all the time when we are together so I can’t help but think he is with someone else that’s why he is not answering his phone. Communicating is very difficult with him because to me he has secrets when I am the open book. We normally volunteer our wearabouts. He calls inroute to his appointments, when he gets there, while waiting, in route home. I’m on the phone with him wherever he goes and visa versa. We travel together even if we are not physically with each other that’s why these disappearing acts are so hard to deal with.They are very painful to handel because how can you be so connected to someone and then walk away and say nothing for long periods of time. I have asked him everytime if you feel that you need time alone, put my mind to rest and just say so. I can understand and relate and would have given him the time he needed but he never does that. He just disappears. I hate it and I sent him a long message telling him my feelings about his behavior. I even told him about my suspions and I told him not to even bother responding to my messages. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want a man that can disappear on me at any given time and not care less about what I think or what I am going through. Especially when it is someone that feel like I should respond to his text right after I receive them or answer his every call. I am to old to be worrying about what my man is doing and who he is doing it with. This has been going on far to long. I can’t blame him because I’ve allowed him to behave like this but no more. Today I take my power back.
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Yes, take your power back honey!!
Sometimes we get stuck in this mode of looking for evidence to validate our gut feeling that something is wrong. However, once you acknowledge and appreciate that you have the miraculous gift of female intuition, your gut instincts, you don’t need to rely on finding additional evidence.
Relationships should be a safe place of comfort and solace not a source of anxiety, doubt, and worry. In this particular situation, your boyfriend claimed he was at the hospital with his ill brother, however, that doesn’t excuse him from communicating with you prior to going to the hospital or at any time while he was there to let you know he wouldn’t be coming over or making it for Thanksgiving. He certainly had a moment he could have at least sent you a text, but he CHOSE not to.
Proof or no proof of cheating, you deserve better than this! Trust me when I say a man who pulls the disappearing act on you, doesn’t truly love you.
You’ve been through a lot, and I know this because every woman has, and the hardest part is taking ownership for what you have accepted and tolerated. But now that you’ve acknowledged this, things can really get better from here!!
Thanks for sharing your experience with the disappearing act and I wish you all the best in life and love!!
Oh god, where was this when I needed it! I’ve been through the ringer with the disappearing act and was worried sick everytime and I admit I was gullible the first few times and then the times after I had multiple confrontation’s about it and was tried putting my foot down on it all to make it stop and to be treated better but I was made too look like the “crazy girlfriend” and if I was coming across that way it wa because that’s what he was doing to me. After reading this I can see now that I was a unknowing participator and I really thought that things would change and they did but just when I thought everything thing was falling into place with us and we had been together for quite awhile be dissappeared again but at a time where I needed him the most. It was only when I stopped trying to get hold of him he started to call and message me alot… Which got me thinking… Why was he calling and messaging me more now than he ever did the entire time we were together? Where wa he when I needed him and now I tries to get on with my life he decided to pop back up as if it never happened… And yet I’m the bad guy again… Was it the chase? Was it a control thing? Or was he just a grade a prick? Probably all of the above but at that moment I wasn’t going to stand for it any longer as he had pushed me too far too many times and I was officially done.
At least I have an idea now for future reference 🙂 x
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I love that term, “unknowing participant.” That’s exactly what we become if we allow a man to pull the disappearing and reappearing act on us.
Here’s what no woman wants to hear, but I will say anyway because, well, that’s my style 😊 — if a man pulls a disappearing act on you he’s not the right man for you because he doesn’t have a drop of respect for you. So, if you want to love and respect yourself, you have to drop this man immediately because you will not change him.
As far as him popping back up, yes, it’s probably all of the above. And some men just like having the option of messing around with you when they feel like it and if you stop anxiously awaiting for their calls and texts this takes away that convenience for them. So, if you start slipping away because you’re finally realizing how crappy this guy is, the tables may turn and he’ll work hard to try to get you back in that engaged yet passive place where you wait for the breadcrumbs of his attention.
And don’t feel bad about being labeled “crazy.” This is what men do whenever we, women, stand up for ourselves– they say we’re crazy, we’re bitches, we don’t have senses of humor or we can’t take a joke. They say whatever they can say to further belittle us and our feelings when they’re insulting, offending, or disrespecting us.
For every man that calls a woman “crazy,” I can show you a man that did something to elicit that reaction from the woman.
Keep standing up for yourself, if knowing your worth and having standards and boundaries makes us crazy, then I’m the craziest bitch on the block!!! 😜
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story Emz and I wish you all the best in life and love!!
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Love it! And completely agree to all of this it’s been over 3 years since I have pulled free from that and I never took him back or his calls/messages I even changed my number because I got fed up with the same empty promises he made he turned out to be all talk and no action. I learned a lot from that relationship and myself. I have experienced a lot and have a lot to say about it all haha. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond 🙂 – I find myself saying “Yep… Yep…Yes! Exactly!” when reading your posts x
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It takes a lot of strength to leave that kind of relationship behind so you should be proud of yourself!
I’m so glad you’re vibing with my posts! Thanks for taking the time to read them!
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I met a man who says all the right things, he held me accountable to calling and staying in touch earlier when we started messaging. He finally spent a weekend with me and he talked about being with me seriously, planningfor the future, etc… He left my house, said he’d call and didn’t call the rest of the night. I held him accountable to call and he said I didn’t trust him. He asked where ‘this was coming from’ and why was I being so insecure. Obviously, he was playing games. I cut him loose and felt empowered as a woman to control who I spend my tme with. A man who is not accountalbe when that’s what he expects is not worth my time.
That’s awesome!!! You did the right thing and I’m so glad you felt empowered by it too! Thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your experience!
I feel like I might be going through this again.
I know this man now for about 1 year. It’s long distance and the last days I felt we were connected. Everything was well. This happened before, without a warning. It’s like whenever we get closer he all the sudden pulls back. I didn’t hear from him all day and now I can’t sleep because of that. That uncertainty just gives me anxiety. I know it’s just 1 day but I have this gut feeling.
The sad thing is, he has probably been sleeping wonderfully. Always trust your gut instinct!
I am in a relationship with a man that’s moved pretty fast I would say I lost love bomb. He wanted a family wanted a relationship I wanted to go slower but he was very nice at first. One night he disappeared and did not call me until the next day he told me he fell asleep at his sister’s house I told him that that was not okay that I need communication from him. I gave him the benefit of a doubt because it was a family emergency this has happened 6 * now I got covid and I was sick for for 5 days four or five days at night I could not reach him he would disappear around 8 p.m. and I could not reach him after that he would say he went to his mom’s house and forgot to call but he was very tired fell asleep obviously he’s with another woman. Tonight he disappeared again I told him that I need communication and that it is very disrespectful for us to be in a relationship and you disappear at night it cannot be found so I am leaving tonight is the last straw