Dating Challenge: Don’t Call Him The Day of The Date

Posted on March 12, 2016 by Dee's Dating Diary

You have a date scheduled with a guy this Saturday. When Saturday rolls around, you’re tempted to call or text your date to confirm or make sure he still wants to go out, but you shouldn’t. Instead, wait. Don’t call your date, text, email, Instagram, Snapchat him or anything else.

The reason why you want to do this is so that you can see whether your date would have followed through on his plans with you. Say you don’t contact your date and he doesn’t contact you at all on Saturday, then you know he wasn’t really interested in you to begin with. Some guys will make plans that they don’t necessarily intend to keep. So you don’t want to nudge a guy into a date by reminding him yourself that your supposed to go out.

If a man really wants to see you he isn’t going to forget about the plans you made or flake on them by not contacting you on the day of the date. So I challenge you to not call or text a man first on the day of your date. This way, you won’t ever have to wonder if the date wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t take the time to contact him.

Do yourself a favor and give yourself a chance to see where a man’s head is really at!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Image courtesy of Blackzheep at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts?

Posted on March 8, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Ladies, how many times have you been dating a guy and while it seems it’s going well because you’re hearing from him everyday or every other day, all of a sudden he disappears and you hear nothing for days or a week?

Well, this is a huge RED FLAG!!!

Consistency is Key!

Listen carefully ladies: Consistency is KEY!! Consistency lets you know that a man is who he is claiming himself to be.

A man’s words must align with his actions!

If a man makes promises that he doesn’t fulfill, or a man says he operates one way, but actually does something else, take this as a sign and red flag that this man is NOT who he claims himself to be.

Write The Script and He’ll Play The Part

Many men play “roles” for women. To be clearer, men play the part they think you want them to play in order to get what they want from you!

Let me explain. Say you meet a man and on the first or second date you let him know that your ex never told you that you are beautiful and he never opened doors for you. What will happen is: The man will start telling you that you’re beautiful and opening doors for you.

Why? Because you’ve let him know the role you wanted him to play. You fed him the lines for his character. Your ex didn’t do so and so, therefore, you want him to do or say these things.

Don’t Give Him A Character To Play

While many women see this kind of information sharing as just a way to share themselves and allow a man to get to know them and their past experiences, some men actually take these conversations as “you need to do this if you want to be with me.”

Don’t tell a man what your ex did that you disliked. Why?? So that you can see how this man will actually treat you on his own without prompting from you!

Stop feeding men the lines and roles that you want them to play and let them SHOW you who they will be with you.

Where Does This Come From?

Early on in my dating life, I picked up on the fact that men would try to mimic (not genuinely) the dating preferences I shared with them. This made me more cognizant of the past relationship experiences that I decided to share with new men I dated.

However, it wasn’t until I read the book, “Play or Be Played,” that I realized that this was all a kind of game. This book has great wisdom for women and you should read it at least twice!!!

And, I wasn’t paid or induced to endorse or promote this book. I just have genuine love for it!

While some of you may say, well isn’t it a good thing if he starts playing that role and doing the things your exes didn’t do?? WRONG!!!!

The Role Is Not A Man’s Genuine Self

In fact, a man will play this role, however, he can’t and won’t play this role forever. Most men will start showing their true colors around the 3 month mark. For some reason men can’t seem to keep an act alive for much longer than a few months.

But, it makes sense because its hard to act like a different person or maintain a facade for an extended period of time. This is why you will see a lot of women with 3 month rules, because they understand that you really see who a person is a few months after you’ve met them.

The 3 Month Rule

Now, the 3 month rule does run you the risk of having a man play that “role” more extensively in order to pass your 3 month test. So, if you decide to use the 3 month rule:

1. Be cautious,

2. Keep your eyes open,

3. Listen carefully, and

4. Don’t prompt a man to do what you want him to do, instead, let him show you who he is!!!

*REMEMBER THIS:*

When a person shows you who they are, believe it! Stop trying to rationalize a man’s erratic or bad behavior, especially if he isn’t even trying to explain or apologize for his actions himself.

Bringing you back to my original point, if you normally hear from the man you are dating every day or every other day, but there are times that he disappears for days or even weeks at a time and you are unable to reach him, take this as a serious red flag and proceed with extreme caution because there may be a whole lot more to the picture that you don’t see!

Regardless of whether you can confirm that a man’s disappearing act is due to him being with other women or not, you have to evaluate whether this man is right for you based on his actions as a whole, based on the big picture.

To clarify, whether or not you know if this man is seeing other women or is just bad with his phone (rare these days) you have to ask yourself, do I want to be with a man that can disappear for days at a time without communicating or responding to my calls or texts??

It’s A Choice, Not First Come First Served

Unfortunately, many women are so eager to have a man and/or get married that they are ready to seriously date or marry any man that comes into the picture.

However, we can’t be this lax! We have to evaluate EVERY man individually to determine whether this is the kind of man that we really want to be with and who is actually good for us!

This is what you need to ask yourself to determine whether to proceed!

Stop taking any man as they come and start taking control of your dating life. If you pull back from men that exhibit serious red flags, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of heartache and months of recuperating!

Oddly enough, many women are happy to be in relationships that they KNOW aren’t going anywhere. But, wait, there is something they don’t realize.

Unnecessary Relationship = Unnecessary Heartache

By being in an unnecessary relationship, women will take on emotional baggage from this relationship and it could become harder to maintain healthy dating habits in the future.

To put it simpler, by being in an unnecessary or bad relationship, you’ll probably have attitude or negative feelings towards the next several men you encounter and, therefore, someone who may have been a great match for you may be put off by your negative attitude or pessimistic conversations that are really just a result of the trials and tribulations from your previous relationship, which you had no business being in!

Just some food for thought! Start paying attention to red flags because when someone shows you who they are, there is no rationalizing you can do to change them.

Be kind to your body and mind, don’t rack your brain trying to make excuses for a man. If you find yourself doing this, it may be time to move on!

If you’ve been a victim of the disappearing act, I want to hear your story or your thoughts! BUT, remember ladies, after the third time of having a man pull the disappearing act on you, you’re no longer a victim. Instead, you’re a willing participant!

Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and it’s shame on me!!

If you have any thoughts on the “disappearing act,” please leave your comments below, I love hearing your perspective!

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

You shouldn’t have to tell him to call you!

Posted on March 1, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Okay, ladies. Be honest, how many times have you found yourself asking the man you’re dating to call you?

Have you had to suggest that a man calls you even if he won’t be seeing you that particular day?

Well, if you’ve found yourself telling the man your dating to call you, let it be the last time!

The truth is, if you have to tell a man to call you, one, he’s not thinking about you; two, you’re not a priority to him; and three, he might not actually like you.

Maybe you had a bunch of dates that you thought were great while he felt that the dates were mediocre.

Ultimately, if you continue trying to force a relationship with a man that barely shows you any interest, you may actually end up in a relationship with this man, but you certainly won’t be happy in it.

If a man can’t even put in effort to call you regularly, do you honestly believe that he will put effort into other aspects of your relationship?

In the end, you’ll be the one with feelings of resentment and hurt. Honestly, you can find any man to take you for granted and not put effort into dating you or having a good relationship with you.

So, why not try something different? If you’ve been doing the same things over and over again in your dating life and you haven’t gotten the results that you want, then step out of your comfort zone and try something new.

For example:

1. Stop trying to force men to call you.

2. Don’t call a man too much.

This way you can actually see whether he would even call you and how frequently.

3. Stop wasting time on men that don’t give or show you much attention.

Know the difference between a man lusting after you and a man having genuine interest in getting to know who you are!

4. Continue putting yourself out there and date new people.

5. Stop waiting for the phone to ring, make plans and live your life!!!

Give it a try!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Posted on February 16, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

This is a must read post from “Sarah on the Go.” One point in this post that really stuck out to me was, “Maybe when we find ourselves needing to know more, we should just know to move on.”

While I do agree with this, it’s imperative that you make a serious evaluation before deciding to leave your partner without solid or tangible proof of cheating.

What evaluation you ask? Well, before you decide to move on you need to be able to decipher and know the difference between general insecurity or jealousy and significant red flags that a woman should be genuinely concerned about.

If it’s just general insecurity making you want to snoop, then it’s time to do some much needed introspection and attack the real root of your insecurity.

However, if your insecurity stems from your partner’s actions that raise serious red flags, then this may not be a relationship that you should continue.

Check out this post from “Sarah on the Go:” Snooping: Who Really Wins?

You Can’t See Him Everyday

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

You shouldn’t be seeing the new man you’re dating every single day of the week for a number of reasons. But, most importantly, you’ll probably have a false sense of knowing who he really is.

Seeing your new beau every day of the week, or trying to see him every day of the week because most likely he’s not trying to be sitting up under you everyday of the week, will also allow a man to get to know you much quicker than he really should.

He may even start to think you may be clingy and need a lot of attention and, ultimately, he may become disinterested and move on.

Don’t Force It

If you call a man everyday to hang out with you and he actually accepts every time, you’ll still never know whether he would have called you everyday to see YOU.

You’ll never know how strongly he really feels about you if you’re always the one putting in the effort to contact him. What if another woman had called him to hang out before you? Are you sure he wouldn’t have accepted her invitation?

My point is just that, we have to pull back. You have to stop trying to force something between you and a man and let nature take it’s course.

Wait to see if he even wants to spend this much time with you. If he doesn’t try to see you often or frequently, then maybe he doesn’t feel that strongly about you and maybe you shouldn’t put too much stock into him.

Wait, HE Wants to See You Everyday!

But, maybe he’s the one that tries to see you everyday. If so, that’s great!! However, you still can’t see him everyday. You, as the woman, need to set the tone here.

He’s not going to lose interest in you because you want to take one or two days out of the week to catch up with your friends and family.

Why is it that a man can get to know who a woman is extremely quickly, but it sometimes takes women forever to know who a man really is?

Well, this is because men don’t put everything out on the table immediately after meeting someone as most women do. Hold some of yourself back!!

Why should you be giving more of yourself than a man is giving you? That’s crazy! And, you’ll be the one with the broken heart in the end if you pursue someone who isn’t giving you much of themselves.

It’s A Process

In dating, getting to know each other should be a slower process than what we are seeing play out in dating today. You are not supposed to get to know someone overnight.

In fact, you can’t really get to know someone quickly, and certainly not overnight. You really learn who people are in time. A lot of character traits are revealed over a length of time, like several months, whether revealing that trait was intentional or not.

Hindsight Is 20/20

Haven’t you dated a man and thought you knew him and after the relationship ends, you’re sitting there wondering, “Who was this man?” That’s because you never really knew who he was in the first place.

As you replay the relationship over and over in your head, you eventually discover all the subtleties that were letting you know who you were dating.

Maybe you ignored significant red flags or maybe he was really good at hiding them. Either way, taking the time to really get to know him might have helped you pass this man up and save yourself some heartache.

Categorizing Men

As women, a lot of times we try to learn who a man is quickly and “categorize” him so to say. Once we feel like we “know” who a man is, that’s it. We stick to that notion until it literally has to be ripped from us by the contradiction of a man’s actions.

After we have categorized a man or pigeon-holed him into being the man we want, we fall for the person we created in our minds, not the person that exists before us.

I say “create” because we never really took the time to get to know the man we jumped headfirst into a relationship with.

And, when we look back on the relationship, sometimes we seem to forget that WE forced OUR image or our perception of who this man is on him. We created this reality, not him.

Slow Down

So, instead, of trying to get to know a man too quickly and categorize him where he doesn’t belong, slow down and take the necessary time to get to know someone. It won’t happen in a day, a week, or a month.

You can’t get to know a man in just days or weeks, look at it as a process, a dance, a play if you would. Characters in plays and movies are developed through the course of the show, in time.

True relationships in the real world are built over time as well. Take your time getting to know a man and give him time to SHOW you who he is.

The Rules Book

According to The Rules: Time-tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, you should never see a man more than 5-6 times a week unless you’re married. I do agree with this rule, but only to a certain extent.

Obviously, once you’ve been dating for a significant amount of time, you will start seeing each other almost everyday.

But, I don’t believe that every single week you can only see your beaux 5-6 times. I think you can spend an entire week together, however, the next week you shouldn’t see him everyday.

My Rule

So, my rule is really that you can see your man 6-7 times in one week, however, you can’t do this consecutively or have back to back weeks where you’re seeing him every day of the week!

You have to break up the weeks where you see your boyfriend everyday with a week where you only see him a few times. This way, you can still maintain a life of your own, he won’t get overly bored with you, and also won’t feel like he “has” you in the bag and stop putting in effort with you.

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 6: Where Has Courtship Gone?? Pt.2

Posted on February 1, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

One of the reasons that courtship is nearly extinct is because women have made it way too easy for men. There are several ways that women make themselves too available to men and, ultimately, help promote men’s lack of effort in dating and courting women.

Unfortunately, it’s going to take a collective effort from women to get the change we want from men as a whole. One woman alone, can’t inspire the change we want in men as a whole.

There’s several different things we can do as women to start getting men to put effort into dating and courting us. The underlying concept in each point is that women have to be less available to men in the early stages of dating.

For this post, we will just discuss one point, answering every phone call you get from a man.

Answering Every Phone Call

For some reason, we seem to feel that if our phone rings and we see the call, we MUST pick up the phone. Well, this is the exact opposite of what should happen when you first start dating someone.

You should never be so available to a man you just started dating that you answer every single phone call he makes regardless of whether you are busy or just sitting on the couch.

Compulsion to Answer Your Phone

I know we naturally feel some sort of compulsion to answer a man’s phone call as if we would never hear from him again if we didn’t answer, but that’s actually not the case.

What happens when you call a guy you’re dating and he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you back right away? Do you not think about him constantly until he finally calls you back? Do you not wonder what he is doing? Do you not stress about whether he saw your call and ignored it or if he is legitimately busy?

Well, the same questions run across a man’s mind when you don’t pick up his phone call and call him back right away.

It’s good to let a man think about you and wonder what you’re doing. He may actually think about you more if you don’t pick up his call than if you answer his call, talk to him for 15 minutes, and don’t speak for another day or so.

Develop An Attachment

I personally think that forcing a man to think about you, by not answering his every phone call, helps him slowly develop an attachment to you.

Don’t you find that the men you think about the most are the same men you desire the most and feel the strongest about? Interesting huh!

The more you think about someone or something, the more you get attached to it (or the idea of it). Therefore, by forcing a man to think about you more than he normally would, you are essentially forcing him to start developing an attachment to you.

Force Him to Think About You

From my experience, I can truthfully say that I thought about a man a whole lot more when he didn’t answer my call, even if he was someone I knew I didn’t want to pursue dating.

When guys didn’t pick up some of my friends phone calls, they would say stuff like, “Wow, I can’t believe this fool didn’t pick up my call and I was willing to spend my Saturday with him as lame as he is!”

So, my point is, whether you are even interested in a man or not, when he doesn’t answer your call you WILL think about him. So, make the guy you’re dating think about you; whether he wants to or not!

Disclaimer: When I say don’t answer every phone call, I do not mean don’t return his call at all. You definitely need to return his call, just wait a few hours. But, never wait more than 24 hours to return a phone call.

Look Like You Have a Life

It’s also a good thing to miss a phone call here and there so you don’t come off as having no kind of life whatsoever.

The truth is, men want a woman that other people want. They want a woman that people like, that people want to hang out with, that people desire. If no one wants to talk to you or see you, why would a man?

What kind of men do you tend to want the most? Is it the guy that you think is a couch potato who seems to have no friends and no life or is it the guy that seems to have an exciting life and friends that love him and can’t get enough of his time?

Well, this is my point. A man wants a woman that looks like she’s enjoying her life. He doesn’t want a woman that he thinks he will have to create a life for or include her in everything he does.

Perception is Reality

Whether your life is exciting, fulfilled, or boring, PERCEPTION IS REALITY. How a man perceives you is what he will believe you are, whether his perception is accurate or not.

And a man’s perception of you will guide his decision to date you, put effort into getting to know you, pursue something serious with you, or just make you a “late night creep” option.

So, you definitely want a man to THINK that you have a life and friends, even if you don’t.

Obviously, after a while of dating, a man will learn who you really are, but hopefully by that point he likes you or has fallen for you so that the fact that you have no friends and are just a couch potato won’t be a deal breaker for him.

You Want More?

For the full conversation on this topic, check out my podcast! Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

Stay tuned this upcoming week as I bring you more tips on how women can bring courtship back!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Focusing on the Process not the Dating Outcomes

Posted on January 29, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

It really is time to start slowing down the dating process and enjoying the ride instead of making it a long term examination that a man has to pass.

Coach Suzie

Focusing on the Process NOT the Dating Outcomes

I don’t know about you, but often times I get caught up in the looking at the finish line that I don’t even notice anything else that’s going on around me. I’m like that a lot in everything I do, I just want to get to my goal as fast as I can. I’ve also noticed that in my personal life as well. I sometimes am so focused on the finish line, getting where I want to be that forget to stop and smell the roses and just “be” where I’m at. I’m not the only one. Most people are like that.

It took me a while to realize that. It was one of the main reasons that I married the wrong person way back when. I was so focused on being “the bride” and fitting into the “box” that I turned a blind eye to many red flags. The…

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Entry 5: Be the Woman he Wants to Conquer: Courtship, Where has it Gone?? Pt. 1

Posted on January 25, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where has Courtship Really Gone??

The reality is, men don’t want a woman that is 100% available to them when they first meet and in the early dating stages. Men really do love to chase a woman. But why is courtship nearly extinct?

So many women are giving away their cookies for, pretty much, nothing and making it extremely easy for men to use and discard them.

Majority of the time, the man hasn’t taken the women out and courted her the way that he should, and he hasn’t even agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman.

But, us women devalue ourselves, feeling that it’s okay that the guy doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with us or that he wants to continue dating other people and still see you!

Or if he refuses to put legitimate effort into dating and courting you, you rationalize it by saying, “Well he’s paying back a lot of student loans.”

Or ” he’s starting his own business so he doesn’t have much spending money” or maybe you said the time old “he just doesn’t make much money, so I can’t expect him to use any money to take me out.”

But the truth is, you want a man that feels strongly enough about you that he’ll let his money get a little tight just to put a smile on your face.

Once we devalue ourselves, so do men. We have to show men that we will not give up our cookies and treat them like a boyfriend or husband when they can’t even go out of their way to do the standard courteous things a man is supposed to do for a woman he just starts to date.

Men have it all now a days. They can have their cake and eat it too! They can sleep with as many women as they want and have each and every one of those women catering to the man and doing for him, basically, what a girlfriend or wife does for her man.

Women outnumber men and because we feel that scarcity of the availability of “good men” or just men period, we compromise every last thing we want in a man and in a relationship just so we can finally say that we have a “boyfriend” or “husband.”

So what do we do about this dating dilemma that plagues our society?

Well, we as women have to get it together as a whole. It’s hard to get respect as one woman when every other woman allows themselves to be disrespected or taken advantage of by men.

Its almost like the standard is that most men WILL disrespect you in some way when you’re first dating!

And you, as the woman, have to let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected. This way you get the respect that you rightfully deserve!

So, if us women could come together and collectively decide that we will not allow any men to treat us with anything less than respect and courtesy, then men as a whole will start to treat us more respectively.

But, we ALL have to put our foot down. If many of us still allow men to disrespect us, take advantage us, or make us “the other women,” then men will glady accept that and continue to expect that from many of us!!

For more on this subject and to hear the male perspective on this topic, please tune into my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com or you can download this episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 2: Phone Etiquette Pt. 1- Calling

Posted on January 5, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Your behavior in the first stages of dating, specifically your phone etiquette, is especially important because it allows people to learn more about you without you having to say it yourself. Be careful, because the person you are calling may be learning more about you than you really want them to know.

Calling someone too much can make you look needy, desperate, or dependent. Calling a man out of boredom, insecurity, or neediness is ESPECIALLY bad if you really don’t have anything to say. And trust me, men can tell when you have absolutely nothing to say and are just calling to call.

Let the man take the lead with calling you so that you can actually see his true level of interest in you. Maybe he’ll only call you Saturday nights at midnight, I don’t know. But, if you don’t let him show you, you’ll never know either.

Check out my podcast to hear the full conversation on this topic. You can access my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com or you can download this episode right here: Download episode.