Is Your Boyfriend Worth Your Time?

Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,

“I just read your article on men who pull the disappearing act. I am very familar with this, being my current boyfriend has done this more then I can count (12+). I know, I shouldn’t allow this, but It’s hard to explain. I want to be with him, we agree with some major issues, and he has qualities that are rare in a man. I also know it’s something he’s battling with.

On the other hand, it is extremely disrespectful to me to abandon me every time things get a little heavy. I need a man who will be by my side in hard times. Every time he does this, he comes back treating me better than ever, and I guess that’s why I’ve dealt with it for so long.

We have almost been dating for about 2 years now, and we are 3 year apart in age, I am older. We are also in our early 20’s. I just don’t know what to do. I know I deserve better, but I just can’t let him go. The cycle is everything is normal/or great, then he slowly starts taking me for granted, then things get heavy or he upsets me, then  he completely shuts down and I don’t hear from him for days/weeks, then repeat.

The longest he has gone without speaking to me was 2 weeks. I can’t imagine loving someone, then at the same time purposely ignoring them for an extended period. Doesn’t he genuinely  miss me in this time? Or Is he just using this time selfishly to do whatever he wants, and only comes back to me when he feels like it? I just don’t think I can deal with it anymore.

I know I deserve a man to actually WANT to be with me, and be with me through thick and thin. I mean, what happens if he does this and we are married or have children together? I’m sorry for the long message, it’s just nice to get someone else’s perspective and to just talk it out in general. Today marks a week since he ‘ran away from home’ (we live together)…”

Dear Dater,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through all this and I’m happy to lend you my ear and opinion. Although, it sounds like you already know what you need to do here.

You’ve been dealing with your boyfriend’s disappearing acts for 2 years now and it’s very apparent that this is a regular pattern in his behavior. It seems that your boyfriend’s disappearances may be a result of him trying to avoid issues or problems in the relationship, but this is absolutely not conducive to having a healthy and loving relationship.

While your boyfriend does come back into the picture and treats you better than ever, it’s only momentarily. One of the most important characteristics to look for in a man you date is consistency! I say this all the time, but consistency is truly key!

When a man is inconsistent it shows you that he is not who he portrays himself to really be and you can’t depend on him. Men can only fake it for so long so their inconsistencies or disappearing acts are your red flags that this person may not be the man you actually want. Sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to get or keep a boyfriend that we often don’t ask ourselves, “is this the type of man I want to be in a relationship with or spend the rest of my life with?”

At the end of the day, your relationship is best when your boyfriend returns from his disappearances, but your good feelings are always fleeting, it never lasts. You are only in your twenties and still have your whole life ahead of you. I know it’s not easy to see the rainbow when you’re in the storm, but there are men out there that will cherish you and wouldn’t dare risk the chance of losing you by pulling a disappearing act.

In fact, a man that truly loves you will never want to leave your life, whether it’s for a few days or a few weeks. A part of having a great, loving, and healthy relationship is knowing your worth and knowing what you do and don’t deserve. The second you realize that you are worth a man staying in your life is the second that you will stop tolerating bad behavior from men, i.e. the disappearing act.

So, I want you to ask yourself, is your boyfriend really the type of man you want to be in a relationship with? If not, then it’s time to move on honey! But, when you ask yourself this question, I need you to realistically look at your entire relationship. Don’t just reflect on the good times with your boyfriend, definitely consider the good and the bad. How does he make you feel? And, I don’t mean how he makes you feel when he is laying it on thick after treating you badly and ignoring your calls and texts for days.

When you make this decision, remember how you feel every time he leaves you and you’re not even sure where he is staying. Do you feel loved then?

You’ve definitely given this relationship your all, but has your boyfriend? How much time are you willing to spend in this relationship waiting for your boyfriend to be a better man? I know it’s never easy deciding whether to break up with a boyfriend, but focus on the right things and you’ll make the right decision for you.

I wish you all the best and never forget that you’re worth a man staying in your life!!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Yours Truly,

Dee Simone

Related Posts You’ll Like:

Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts?

Wondering Why Men Come Back In Your Life?

Are You Downplaying His Negatives?

To Break Up Or Not To Break Up?

Ask Dee’s Dating Diary A Dating Question!

Red Flag: He Suddenly Always Has To Work Late

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One of my favorite topics to write about are red flags. It’s really important for both men and women to be aware of the various red flags that could pop up while you’re dating or in a relationship.

When you don’t pick up on important red flags or you rationalize away the red flags you see, you ultimately set yourself up to stay in a problematic relationship.

Red Flag: He Suddenly Always Has To Work Late

If your boyfriend always has to work late, this is definitely a huge red flag! But, only in certain circumstances. If your boyfriend was working late hours when you met him, then always working late isn’t really a red flag for you.

However, if your boyfriend had normal working hours when you started dating and later into the relationship he all of a sudden has to work late all the time, this is definitely a red flag you have to pay attention to!

Unless your boyfriend got a new job, was given a promotion, or had to take on more responsibilities in his position, there’s really no reason he should have to start working late every night.

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Keep Your Eyes Open

If you notice this red flag in your relationship, don’t immediately freak out! Relax, take a deep breath, and just start paying more attention to your boyfriend’s actions.

If his working late continues for too long, it may be a situation you should candidly discuss with your boyfriend. Either way, don’t jump to conclusions. Have a simple, honest, and open conversation about how you feel.

And, remember to trust your gut instincts. It’s not called women’s intuition for no reason!

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

More Red Flags To Read About:

5 Red Flags For Women To Watch For

5 Red Flags Men Need To Watch For

Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts?

Red Flag: He “Fell Asleep”

Are You Downplaying His Negatives?

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes, when a woman is dating a man, she downplays his negatives to maintain the viability of that relationship.

By “downplaying the negative,” I mean that a woman can be so eager to have a boyfriend and get married that she rationalizes or ignores the negatives she sees in a man. These “negatives” can be red flags, character faults, or problems that pop up while you’re dating.

The problem with downplaying the negative is that it often comes back to bite you in the, well, you know where! The things you ignore now and let go could cause serious problems in the relationship down the line.

How many times have you reflected back on a relationship after the break up just to realize that the signs that the relationship was doomed for failure were right in front of your face the whole time? If this has been you, you need to ask yourself whether it’s worth it to continue writing off men’s problems for the sake of being able to say you have a boyfriend or because he has things that are on your “laundry list,” like money.

Some women are so focused on making every relationship work that they forget that some relationships just aren’t meant to work. You do yourself no justice by trying to make a man “fit” your life. Sometimes, a man is just not right for you!

So, don’t downplay those significant negative qualities you see when you’re dating because it could be those exact same negative qualities that eventually end the relationship.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

P.S. If you’re not reflecting back on your relationship after a break up, you’re not learning the lessons that you need to learn in dating. Check out my post The Most Important Thing to do After a Break Up to learn how the relationship playback can help you! And, if you want to find out whether your “laundry list” is doing you justice, check out my post Is Your Laundry List Holding You Back From Getting A Quality Man?

Wondering Why Men Come Back In Your Life?

Image courtesy of Adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I wrote a post called Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts? and I got some really great comments from people sharing their experiences with the dreadful “disappearing act.”

In a comment I was asked:

“If he’s just not into me, I get it. If he has other girls or a girlfriend, I can let him go. Whatever his reason for disappearing out of my life, I can deal with that. But it’s the constant REAPPEARING that I don’t understand. If you do not want to be with me then why not leave me alone? Why stop talking to me then try talking to me again? Is it about sex? Is this a power or control thing for him? Does this boost his self-esteem? What is his deal?”

I wanted to address this question in a post because many women have asked themselves these questions too.

The Re-Appearing Act

It’s certainly shocking to a woman when she goes from regularly communicating with a man to not getting any replies from her texts or calls.

And as if going MIA wasn’t bad enough, some men choose to further perplex women by coming back into the picture like nothing happened.

Maybe he tells you he lost his phone or perhaps he went all out and said he was in the hospital. Regardless of the excuse (and they’re all just that, excuses), it’s never okay for a man to ignore your texts and calls for days or weeks.

If a man is genuinely interested in you, he’s not going to disappear off the face of the earth then pop back in your life a week or months later.

Image courtesy of StockImages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of StockImages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Do They Re-Appear?

Do men reappear in your life because of sex, power and control, or self-esteem? The answer truly depends on the man. There’s actually no one-size fits all answer to this.

The most important point to take away from this is that, if he really wants to be with you, he’s not going to disappear from your life for days or weeks, period.

But, if you decide to give a man another chance after his disappearing act, don’t be upset when he does it to you again down the line.

Whether it’s a break up or the disappearing act, many men will contact you again in the future. And, you can’t let your decision to date a man be based on whether he ever reaches out to you again.

If a man wasn’t right for you or he flat out disappeared on you, it shouldn’t matter that he reached out to you again. Don’t let a bad blast from the past set you back in your dating life.

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Did Your Boyfriend Make Time For You This Holiday?

Image courtesy of Digidreamgrafix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Digidreamgrafix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The holidays are a really great time to cherish your loved ones and spend as much quality time with them as possible.

From parents to siblings and friends, the holidays are a time for the people you truly love. No one wants to spend their precious free holiday time with frenemies.

With that being said, if you’re currently in a relationship, this past holiday was certainly a great opportunity to bond and enjoy each other’s company.

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Did Your Boyfriend Make Time For You This Holiday?

If you didn’t spend any time with your boyfriend this holiday and you’re not in a long distance relationship, it may be time to re-evaluate the quality and viability of your relationship.

Now, if you or your boyfriend had to work through the holiday, that’s definitely understandable.

But, if you’re in a committed relationship and your boyfriend has genuine feelings for you, he should have been making time to see you over the holiday.

Image courtesy of Savit Keawtavee at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Savit Keawtavee at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Stop Accepting Excuses

Some men will have excuses for every time they let you down, but it’s up to you as the woman to be more discerning about the person you’re dating.

Remember, people always make time for what they really want.

And, if you’re not what your boyfriend really wants, maybe he’s not who you should really want either. Just some food for thought.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

The Most Important Thing to do After a Break Up

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After a break up, an important part of the healing and learning process is reflecting back on the relationship.

The relationship playback is basically the process of playing back the relationship in your mind from the first date until the last day.

The relationship playback is the time when you’re able to see all those signs that were showing you the problems in your relationship. What once seemed like small unimportant things now look like obvious red flags you should have picked up on.

This process can be difficult and mentally exhausting. But, it truly helps you learn valuable lessons to grow from because it allows you to see your relationship more objectively since you’ve been removed from the situation altogether.

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Trust Your Gut!

How many times have you had a genuine feeling that your boyfriend was cheating on you just to eventually find out that you were right?

When your gut tells you that your boyfriend is not being faithful to you, trust your gut! It’s called women’s intuition for a reason! You’ve been given a special gift that allows you to sense when things aren’t right.

These feelings are usually a result of red flags that your mind has processed, but that you didn’t really pay attention to or you purposefully ignored.

Whether it’s cheating or something else, the next time your gut tells you something isn’t right, don’t just write those feelings off because you may eventually come to regret that decision.

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Relationship PlayBack
Perhaps your ex boyfriend was very controlling, but you didn’t realize it until you were already in a committed relationship.

Well, the relationship playback, if you’re open to growing, allows you to learn from your mistakes. It really is the best way to avoid carrying emotional baggage from one relationship into your future dating!

The relationship playback is where you take note of those red flags you need to watch for in the future. And, it also gives you the opportunity to recognize and correct those relationship problems that you created or enabled.

So, after a break up, make sure you do the relationship playback so you can gain the wisdom that’s necessary to attract a great, loving, and healthy relationship in the future!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Related Articles You’ll Like

Red Flag: Does He Pull Disappearing Acts?

Red Flag: He “Fell Asleep”

5 Red Flags For Women To Watch For

Stop Being The Victim!

5 Red Flags For Women To Watch For

Last week I discussed 5 red flags that men need to pay attention to, so this week I’ve addressed 5 red flags that women should watch for. I wrote this article for Singles Warehouse and you can access it on their website here: 5 Red Flags For Women To Watch For

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee