Are You Downplaying His Negatives?

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes, when a woman is dating a man, she downplays his negatives to maintain the viability of that relationship.

By “downplaying the negative,” I mean that a woman can be so eager to have a boyfriend and get married that she rationalizes or ignores the negatives she sees in a man. These “negatives” can be red flags, character faults, or problems that pop up while you’re dating.

The problem with downplaying the negative is that it often comes back to bite you in the, well, you know where! The things you ignore now and let go could cause serious problems in the relationship down the line.

How many times have you reflected back on a relationship after the break up just to realize that the signs that the relationship was doomed for failure were right in front of your face the whole time? If this has been you, you need to ask yourself whether it’s worth it to continue writing off men’s problems for the sake of being able to say you have a boyfriend or because he has things that are on your “laundry list,” like money.

Some women are so focused on making every relationship work that they forget that some relationships just aren’t meant to work. You do yourself no justice by trying to make a man “fit” your life. Sometimes, a man is just not right for you!

So, don’t downplay those significant negative qualities you see when you’re dating because it could be those exact same negative qualities that eventually end the relationship.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

P.S. If you’re not reflecting back on your relationship after a break up, you’re not learning the lessons that you need to learn in dating. Check out my post The Most Important Thing to do After a Break Up to learn how the relationship playback can help you! And, if you want to find out whether your “laundry list” is doing you justice, check out my post Is Your Laundry List Holding You Back From Getting A Quality Man?

3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Facebook Stalk An Ex

Posted on April 4, 2015 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Pixomar at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Technology has made it far too easy to keep track of people’s lives. From Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Snapchat, it’s so easy to keep tabs on an ex.

While we all have that moment at some point after a break up where we think, “I wonder what my ex is doing” or how he is doing or whether he is dating someone new, only some women have the will power to keep themselves from digging for info.

3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Facebook Stalk Your Ex

There are several reasons why you shouldn’t Facebook stalk or social media stalk an ex, but here are 3:

1. You Can’t Move On.

It keeps you from really getting over the relationship and moving on. You can never truly move on when you’re still wrapped up in your ex’s life. How can you learn from your relationship and emotionally heal if you’re maintaining an unhealthy attachment to your ex.

2. You Won’t Like What You See.

What you find on social media is usually upsetting even if it’s absolutely nothing. For example, your ex may not be dating anyone new or working some great new job, but he looks real damn happy in his pictures and that’s enough to piss you off! You’re never going to like what you see.

3. You Need To Focus On You.

You need to be living your life and stop giving anymore time and attention to someone who is not right for you. In stalking your ex on social media, you’re just going to make yourself feel bad and, possibly, miss being with someone you weren’t meant to be with at all.

As much as you want to know what’s going on in your ex’s life, you have to let it go. Focus on bettering yourself.

You are a woman! You’re capable of bringing new life into this world. You have strength beyond your knowledge and you are certainly capable of keeping yourself off your ex’s social media.

Your ex didn’t think you were worth staying in a relationship with so why is he worth Facebook stalking? Don’t waste anymore energy on your exes, it’ll only keep you from allowing the right man into your life!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

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Should You Keep Your Exes Stuff After A Break Up?

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

During the course of a relationship, we usually cultivate many things from our partner. From gifts, to “borrowed” shirts and sweaters, it’s easy to rack up a lot of items from your boyfriend.

But, after a break up, should you be keeping any of these things?

The answer is no.

Image courtesy of Marcolm at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Exes Stuff

When you’re trying to get over a relationship, the last thing you need is to have a bunch of stuff around your house that constantly reminds you of your ex and the relationship you had.

Your exes stuff could send you into emotional lows and put you back in that sad place that you were in at the end of the relationship.

Keeping your exes stuff around definitely makes it more difficult to get over the relationship.

These little reminders of your ex will only prolong and delay the healing process after your break up.

And, this is definitely not what you want.

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Let’s Make A Distinction

For some women, yes, seeing an exes things or the gifts he gave can send them into emotional spirals.

But, there are some women who can break up with a boyfriend and not be emotionally affected by seeing some of his stuff.

Take for example, the sweater you took from your boyfriend and love wearing because it’s huge and super comfortable!

Some women might see this sweater after a break up and cry into it. While other women may continue to wear the sweater and simply enjoy its comfort with no emotional attachments or issues.

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Make This Distinction?

I have to make a distinction between women who can keep some of their exes things without being emotionally affected by it and women who can’t.

If you can separate the emotional attachments between your ex and certain items, then you don’t necessarily need to get rid of everything.

If your ex got you a gift that you’ve always wanted and you won’t be reminded of him every time you look at it, then there’s no need to junk the gift.

But, do keep in mind that even if you are great at separating your emotions from the gifts your ex gave you, a new boyfriend could have a problem with you keeping some of these things anyway.

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Do You Need Your Exes Stuff?

While it may seem harsh to get rid of your exes stuff after the relationship, sometimes it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

You don’t need a bunch of CDs, pictures, and other things to remind you of your ex.

At the end of the day, you’ll always have your memories and no one can take that from you.

So, don’t allow yourself to unnecessarily hold on to things from your past relationships.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

No More Boomeranging!!

Posted on April 26, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Aside from ending a relationship because of cheating, abusiveness, and other serious deal breakers, there are certain things a woman must do before she decides to leave a man.

I firmly believe that a woman shouldn’t leave the man she is dating until she has tried everything within her power to make the relationship work.

Male or female, no one is perfect. We are all flawed in some way. We can change some things about ourselves, but not everything. It’s up to us to TRY and change those things that we can.

It’s better to give a relationship your all so you can leave with a clear mind. No one likes looking back on a relationship thinking, “Could I have done more to make it work?”

Image courtesy of Imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Boomeranging

If a woman breaks up with a man before trying everything she can to make that relationship work, she’ll most likely look back on the relationship with regret or constantly wonder whether she made the right decision ending it.

And, when a woman is unsure of whether she made the right decision in breaking up with a man, it’s all too easy to end up back in that relationship. She may end up going back to him for round 2, 3, and maybe even 4!

Boomeranging with an ex is a huge waste of your dating time! If it didn’t work out the first time, the chances of it working out in round 2, 3, or 4 are even slimmer!

Instead of boomeranging with your exes, date them once, give it your all, and if it still doesn’t work, move on and NEVER look back!

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Set A Cut-Off Date

If you’re considering leaving your relationship, but first want to try something new so you don’t look back with regret, you have to set a cut-off date for yourself!

Maybe you want to give it 2 months or maybe 6, depending on the depth of your issues. If your issue is waiting for your man to go back to school then 6 months is more reasonable than one or two.

But, never stay in a relationship for more than 2 years waiting for a ring, circumstances to change, or for your man to go back to school. Whatever your thing is, always have a cut-off date.

If you’re not happy by your cut-off date, cut your losses and end it!

You can’t try to make a relationship work indefinitely. Time flies and we’re only getting older.The sad truth is, it gets harder to find a good man and husband as we get older.

If you stay in a relationship too long after you should have left, you’re only hurting your chances of finding what you really want.

And, by staying in the wrong relationship for too long, you’ll still have regret over that relationship, but for a different reason.

Image courtesy of Photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Make Positive Changes In Your Relationship

I’m not at all writing all this to say that you should stay with a man that’s isn’t right for you or treats you badly.

I’m just saying that if you aren’t completely happy in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to try to change what you’re unhappy about before jumping ship.

Image courtesy of StockImages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tips For Change

If you’re generally an impatient person, try showing more patience in your relationship. You can also try handling your disagreements differently.

Maybe you’re too aggressive or too submissive in disagreements. Find a balance and change up your usual approach.

When addressing your issues, use the word “I” instead of “You.” You’ll see that people are less defensive when you say “I feel…” as opposed to “You…”

Sometimes we get so used to talking to people or handling issues with them in a certain way that we continue that habit, whether it’s beneficial or not.

So, if you think you may have unanswered questions about your relationship that may lead you back to your man months or years down the line, then put some serious effort into handling things differently in your relationship now.

And, if it still doesn’t work, move on!!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Stop Being The Victim!

Posted on March 29, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Photostocki / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ladies, we have to stop being the victim and take control of our dating lives!

Many times I hear women say, “ALL men are dogs” or “ALL men cheat.” But, the truth of the matter is ALL men AREN’T dogs and ALL men DON’T cheat.

Stop Blaming Men

You’re perception of what ALL men are is a by-product of who you have been choosing to date your whole life.

So, if you always pick the bad boy types who break your heart, of course you’ll always think ALL men are dogs, but that’s not actually the case. ALL the men YOU date are dogs!

Instead of thinking that all men are dogs that will hurt you, you need to be thinking that you aren’t going to let anymore dogs get close enough to hurt you.

Its about taking your power back and knowing that your circumstances and the outcomes of your relationships are largely due to the men you choose to date and let into your heart.

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Take Responsibility For Your Choices

We can’t blame all our problems in relationships on men. We have to take ownership of our part, which is getting into a relationship with a man we’d be unhappy with.

It’s time to take responsibility for the choices you have made in dating men and in accepting their bad behavior. Once you take responsibility for your part in the heartache, you can actually take steps towards changing how and who you pick to spend your time with and, ultimately, give your heart to.

You choose who you date, it should never be the other way around. A man shouldn’t be able to decide by himself that you are both in a relationship together.

Two people make the decision to enter a relationship, so, take ownership of your choices. If you continue to choose the same kind of man to date, you can’t expect different results in your relationships. Therefore, man bashing is definitely not the answer!

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Red Flags

Red flags are called red flags for a reason, they alert you that there is a problem, that something is not right. A red flag let’s you know that there is more going on than a man is willing to tell you.

Red flags are precious gifts to women! These are your signs that tell you whether this man is right for you. Red flags tell you more about someone and it’s your job to determine if that person deserves a place in your life.

You need to be able to spot red flags and make note of them because once a man has shown significant red flags, you have to evaluate whether continuing to date this person will make you happy.

When you learn to spot and access red flags, you’ll see that you’ll cut out a lot of unnecessary relationships that would have only caused you grief and heartache.

While you can continue to date men obliviously, you’d only be hurting yourself.

If you choose to ignore red flags and date any and every man freely, when you do get hurt, don’t start convincing yourself that “ALL men are dogs.” You don’t want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let me explain…

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Self-Fullfilling Prophecy

If you tell yourself and your friends that, “all men are dogs,” you’ll actually believe that every single man is a dog and feel that you have to settle down with one of these men that won’t treat you well. This allows you to continue dating dogs and, therefore, continue being hurt by them.

You have to understand the power of your words, telling yourself that all men are dogs will ultimately limit the amount of effort you put into finding a good man.

In fact, you won’t put any effort into finding a good man because in your eyes, he doesn’t exist. And, before you know it, you’ve settled for a man that doesn’t treat you with respect.

Don’t inadvertently let your dating goal be an unhappy marriage!

Start being more positive about dating and only speak positively! You’ll be amazed at how a little positivity can make you feel a whole world better about dating.

Victim Mentality

We are not victims!

The victim mentality is thinking that you have no control over getting hurt. Granted, we can’t control all hurt, but we can eliminate unnecessary heartache.

Remember, men only do to us what we allow them to. So, if men keep hurting you, then you need to do some serious introspection and figure out why you keep dating men that hurt you.