Stop Treating Your Boyfriend Like Your Husband!

Posted on April 19, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There’s a huge problem in dating that needs to be addressed. From the moment a relationship becomes exclusive, or even before this point, many women treat their boyfriends like they are their husbands.

Most of the time, you will see women do for their boyfriends what a wife does for her husband and this is not okay.

Unless there is a ring on your finger, you should never treat your boyfriend as if he is your husband!

Image courtesy of Ambro/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Playing Wife Is A Temporary Comfort

While “playing house” and “playing wife” may make you feel happier about your relationship because you exhibit that close, committed relationship held by a husband and wife, you don’t have the comfort and security that a marriage provides.

While you’re doing so much for your boyfriend to the point that you resemble the role his wife would take on, you’ll be disappointed to learn how easily and quickly a man can leave the relationship without batting an eye.

And, after the relationship ends, will you not sit there thinking, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done all that for him!” Or, “I cant believe he left me after everything I’ve done and given up for him!”

While these are legitimate questions, the real questions you need to ask yourself are, “Why did I treat this man like my husband?” “Why did I do so much for a man that wasn’t married to me?”

Instead of being the devoted wife in your next relationship, just be the girlfriend. And, know that this route will get you a ring quicker than if you act like there’s already a ring on your finger.

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The Benefits of Marriage Don’t Apply to Relationships

The root of some of your problems in dating may be the fact that you are going above and beyond the call of duty of a girlfriend.

The truth is, if a man wants ALL of you and wants you to do more than a girlfriend does for her boyfriend, then he needs to put a ring on it.

While many men will propose to women who treated them like husbands from day one, it will take you a lot longer to get a ring out of a man if you’re giving him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the accompanying obligations and commitments.

Image courtesy of Ambro/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Marry The Woman When You Can Get The Wife For Free?

Do you remember that old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Well, it’s true! This applies to dating and not just sex. What will inspire or encourage a man to marry you if he already has all the perks of marriage without any of it’s other obligations or “hassles?”

If a man wants more than plain old boyfriend treatment, he’s going to have to earn it and he needs to ask you to be his wife!

Think about it though, how are you going to feel if you treat your beau like he’s your husband and he breaks up with you or leaves you for another woman? Will you not regret doing too much for him?

Don’t get caught up doing a lot more in a relationship than you should! At the end of the day, the only person who ever regrets doing this is the woman, not the man!

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What Is Treating Your Boyfriend Like A Husband?

Well, there are many things that women do that reflects the role of a wife.

But, to give you an idea, it can include anything from playing house and regularly cleaning his place or doing his laundry to passing up great opportunities for the relationship.

The most significant aspect I’ve noticed women catering to men as husbands would be in their careers. For example, you could get a great job offer in another state, but choose to pass up on the opportunity to stay with your boyfriend.

I’ve seen too many women pass up on great career or business opportunities for men that had no intention of marrying them, let alone being together long-term.

As women, we can’t make decisions based on our boyfriend being in our lives and, if we do, it can really hold us back.

When it’s all said and done, no woman looks back and says, “You know, I’m glad I passed up that opportunity for him!” So, if you’re not married, you need to make decisions with only your own best interest at heart.

If a man is going to make a career or business decision, he does it, and without thinking, “Oh, I wonder if my girlfriend will be okay with this.” No, men do what they know is best for themselves and it’s time that women did the same!

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Until You’re Engaged, His Opinion Doesn’t Matter

If he’s not your husband, your opinion is the only one that matters.

I say this because 2-3 years down the line when you’re not with him, you too will think his opinion doesn’t matter. If he’s not going to be a part of your life permanently, then why would you make decisions based on him? Especially decisions that will have a lasting effect on your life.

If your boyfriend wants you to consider him when you’re making big decisions about your life, he needs to show you that he will always be a part of that life. And, he does this by asking you to marry him!

Remember to slow down and let the dating process and courtship happen naturally. Don’t force a more committed element in your relationship by playing wife. If he doesn’t want to play husband, you definitely shouldn’t play wife!

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

You Can’t See Him Everyday

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

You shouldn’t be seeing the new man you’re dating every single day of the week for a number of reasons. But, most importantly, you’ll probably have a false sense of knowing who he really is.

Seeing your new beau every day of the week, or trying to see him every day of the week because most likely he’s not trying to be sitting up under you everyday of the week, will also allow a man to get to know you much quicker than he really should.

He may even start to think you may be clingy and need a lot of attention and, ultimately, he may become disinterested and move on.

Don’t Force It

If you call a man everyday to hang out with you and he actually accepts every time, you’ll still never know whether he would have called you everyday to see YOU.

You’ll never know how strongly he really feels about you if you’re always the one putting in the effort to contact him. What if another woman had called him to hang out before you? Are you sure he wouldn’t have accepted her invitation?

My point is just that, we have to pull back. You have to stop trying to force something between you and a man and let nature take it’s course.

Wait to see if he even wants to spend this much time with you. If he doesn’t try to see you often or frequently, then maybe he doesn’t feel that strongly about you and maybe you shouldn’t put too much stock into him.

Wait, HE Wants to See You Everyday!

But, maybe he’s the one that tries to see you everyday. If so, that’s great!! However, you still can’t see him everyday. You, as the woman, need to set the tone here.

He’s not going to lose interest in you because you want to take one or two days out of the week to catch up with your friends and family.

Why is it that a man can get to know who a woman is extremely quickly, but it sometimes takes women forever to know who a man really is?

Well, this is because men don’t put everything out on the table immediately after meeting someone as most women do. Hold some of yourself back!!

Why should you be giving more of yourself than a man is giving you? That’s crazy! And, you’ll be the one with the broken heart in the end if you pursue someone who isn’t giving you much of themselves.

It’s A Process

In dating, getting to know each other should be a slower process than what we are seeing play out in dating today. You are not supposed to get to know someone overnight.

In fact, you can’t really get to know someone quickly, and certainly not overnight. You really learn who people are in time. A lot of character traits are revealed over a length of time, like several months, whether revealing that trait was intentional or not.

Hindsight Is 20/20

Haven’t you dated a man and thought you knew him and after the relationship ends, you’re sitting there wondering, “Who was this man?” That’s because you never really knew who he was in the first place.

As you replay the relationship over and over in your head, you eventually discover all the subtleties that were letting you know who you were dating.

Maybe you ignored significant red flags or maybe he was really good at hiding them. Either way, taking the time to really get to know him might have helped you pass this man up and save yourself some heartache.

Categorizing Men

As women, a lot of times we try to learn who a man is quickly and “categorize” him so to say. Once we feel like we “know” who a man is, that’s it. We stick to that notion until it literally has to be ripped from us by the contradiction of a man’s actions.

After we have categorized a man or pigeon-holed him into being the man we want, we fall for the person we created in our minds, not the person that exists before us.

I say “create” because we never really took the time to get to know the man we jumped headfirst into a relationship with.

And, when we look back on the relationship, sometimes we seem to forget that WE forced OUR image or our perception of who this man is on him. We created this reality, not him.

Slow Down

So, instead, of trying to get to know a man too quickly and categorize him where he doesn’t belong, slow down and take the necessary time to get to know someone. It won’t happen in a day, a week, or a month.

You can’t get to know a man in just days or weeks, look at it as a process, a dance, a play if you would. Characters in plays and movies are developed through the course of the show, in time.

True relationships in the real world are built over time as well. Take your time getting to know a man and give him time to SHOW you who he is.

The Rules Book

According to The Rules: Time-tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, you should never see a man more than 5-6 times a week unless you’re married. I do agree with this rule, but only to a certain extent.

Obviously, once you’ve been dating for a significant amount of time, you will start seeing each other almost everyday.

But, I don’t believe that every single week you can only see your beaux 5-6 times. I think you can spend an entire week together, however, the next week you shouldn’t see him everyday.

My Rule

So, my rule is really that you can see your man 6-7 times in one week, however, you can’t do this consecutively or have back to back weeks where you’re seeing him every day of the week!

You have to break up the weeks where you see your boyfriend everyday with a week where you only see him a few times. This way, you can still maintain a life of your own, he won’t get overly bored with you, and also won’t feel like he “has” you in the bag and stop putting in effort with you.

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 6: Where Has Courtship Gone?? Pt.2

Posted on February 1, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

One of the reasons that courtship is nearly extinct is because women have made it way too easy for men. There are several ways that women make themselves too available to men and, ultimately, help promote men’s lack of effort in dating and courting women.

Unfortunately, it’s going to take a collective effort from women to get the change we want from men as a whole. One woman alone, can’t inspire the change we want in men as a whole.

There’s several different things we can do as women to start getting men to put effort into dating and courting us. The underlying concept in each point is that women have to be less available to men in the early stages of dating.

For this post, we will just discuss one point, answering every phone call you get from a man.

Answering Every Phone Call

For some reason, we seem to feel that if our phone rings and we see the call, we MUST pick up the phone. Well, this is the exact opposite of what should happen when you first start dating someone.

You should never be so available to a man you just started dating that you answer every single phone call he makes regardless of whether you are busy or just sitting on the couch.

Compulsion to Answer Your Phone

I know we naturally feel some sort of compulsion to answer a man’s phone call as if we would never hear from him again if we didn’t answer, but that’s actually not the case.

What happens when you call a guy you’re dating and he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you back right away? Do you not think about him constantly until he finally calls you back? Do you not wonder what he is doing? Do you not stress about whether he saw your call and ignored it or if he is legitimately busy?

Well, the same questions run across a man’s mind when you don’t pick up his phone call and call him back right away.

It’s good to let a man think about you and wonder what you’re doing. He may actually think about you more if you don’t pick up his call than if you answer his call, talk to him for 15 minutes, and don’t speak for another day or so.

Develop An Attachment

I personally think that forcing a man to think about you, by not answering his every phone call, helps him slowly develop an attachment to you.

Don’t you find that the men you think about the most are the same men you desire the most and feel the strongest about? Interesting huh!

The more you think about someone or something, the more you get attached to it (or the idea of it). Therefore, by forcing a man to think about you more than he normally would, you are essentially forcing him to start developing an attachment to you.

Force Him to Think About You

From my experience, I can truthfully say that I thought about a man a whole lot more when he didn’t answer my call, even if he was someone I knew I didn’t want to pursue dating.

When guys didn’t pick up some of my friends phone calls, they would say stuff like, “Wow, I can’t believe this fool didn’t pick up my call and I was willing to spend my Saturday with him as lame as he is!”

So, my point is, whether you are even interested in a man or not, when he doesn’t answer your call you WILL think about him. So, make the guy you’re dating think about you; whether he wants to or not!

Disclaimer: When I say don’t answer every phone call, I do not mean don’t return his call at all. You definitely need to return his call, just wait a few hours. But, never wait more than 24 hours to return a phone call.

Look Like You Have a Life

It’s also a good thing to miss a phone call here and there so you don’t come off as having no kind of life whatsoever.

The truth is, men want a woman that other people want. They want a woman that people like, that people want to hang out with, that people desire. If no one wants to talk to you or see you, why would a man?

What kind of men do you tend to want the most? Is it the guy that you think is a couch potato who seems to have no friends and no life or is it the guy that seems to have an exciting life and friends that love him and can’t get enough of his time?

Well, this is my point. A man wants a woman that looks like she’s enjoying her life. He doesn’t want a woman that he thinks he will have to create a life for or include her in everything he does.

Perception is Reality

Whether your life is exciting, fulfilled, or boring, PERCEPTION IS REALITY. How a man perceives you is what he will believe you are, whether his perception is accurate or not.

And a man’s perception of you will guide his decision to date you, put effort into getting to know you, pursue something serious with you, or just make you a “late night creep” option.

So, you definitely want a man to THINK that you have a life and friends, even if you don’t.

Obviously, after a while of dating, a man will learn who you really are, but hopefully by that point he likes you or has fallen for you so that the fact that you have no friends and are just a couch potato won’t be a deal breaker for him.

You Want More?

For the full conversation on this topic, check out my podcast! Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

Stay tuned this upcoming week as I bring you more tips on how women can bring courtship back!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

You Don’t Deserve a Good Man…Yet!!

Posted on January 31, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

A lot of women put off working on themselves because they feel like “Well, if I’m not in a relationship, what’s the point?” “Who am I working on myself for?”

Well the answer to that question is YOU!

Are You a Good Woman?

Every woman wants a good man, but let’s face it: A good man deserves a good woman, period!

Get yourself together now so that when you’re ready to take that big step, a good man will be ready to take it with you!

Self-Defeating Behavior

We have to stop saying things like, “Well, it’s obvious this guy doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with me so why should I change myself??” Or “I’m not looking for anything serious, I just want to date and have fun!”

Well, when you’re done having all that fun, those habits you’ve developed and ingrained into your way of life may be the same habits that keep you from finding and keeping a good man.

If your not interested in fixing your faults or bad habits because you’re not in a relationship or whatever the excuse, here is your reality check:

You still need to work on yourself because bad habits are hard to break and if you don’t start at least trying and practicing now, there’s not much of a chance that you’ll change years down the line!

Practice, Practice, Practice!

Ladies, we all know that it’s hardest to play it cool or follow “the rules” when you are REALLY into a man or have already categorized him as “the one.”

So, you really need to practice not doing those bad habits that get you labeled as “the stalker,”or the “crazy girl” or whatever your kryptonite is. Once you’ve been practicing for awhile, it won’t be as hard to stop yourself from doing those things you know you shouldn’t do.

There’s no need to fall apart and moan about everything you think you are not. Instead, focus on becoming the person that you yourself would want to date.

While some women are aware of the flaws and bad habits that hinder them in the dating world, many women are not. Either way, we all need to continuously work on ourselves for the better.

What is Working on Yourself?

When I say “work on ourselves,” I mean we need to do some serious introspective evaluations to determine what our bad habits or flaws are and better understand those characteristics that are holding us back in dating, love and life in general.

Perhaps, you’re extremely needy and clingy, or overly distant. Or, your first dates with men are more like interviews or interrogations more so than actual dates.

Do your insecurities or lack of self-esteem lead to you chasing men away with your jealousy or constant need for reassurance and attention?

Maybe you consciously or unconsciously let men know that you are ready to settle down and have kids like yesterday! Regardless of whether a man is actively looking for marriage, kids, and the whole shebang, you can scare him off by putting marriage and kids on the table on the first few dates. This reeks desperation!

Whatever your flaws may be, you yourself need to know what they are! That’s the only way you’ll be able to work on changing them or learn how to downplay them so they don’t negatively affect your life.

Not Everything Can Be Changed

Now, I realize that not every character flaw or bad habit can necessarily be changed, but it can be downplayed! And, for the habits that can be changed, why not change them?

Regardless of whether you’re casually dating, dating the wrong man, or not dating at all, you have to work on yourself!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

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Entry 5: Be the Woman he Wants to Conquer: Courtship, Where has it Gone?? Pt. 1

Posted on January 25, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where has Courtship Really Gone??

The reality is, men don’t want a woman that is 100% available to them when they first meet and in the early dating stages. Men really do love to chase a woman. But why is courtship nearly extinct?

So many women are giving away their cookies for, pretty much, nothing and making it extremely easy for men to use and discard them.

Majority of the time, the man hasn’t taken the women out and courted her the way that he should, and he hasn’t even agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman.

But, us women devalue ourselves, feeling that it’s okay that the guy doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with us or that he wants to continue dating other people and still see you!

Or if he refuses to put legitimate effort into dating and courting you, you rationalize it by saying, “Well he’s paying back a lot of student loans.”

Or ” he’s starting his own business so he doesn’t have much spending money” or maybe you said the time old “he just doesn’t make much money, so I can’t expect him to use any money to take me out.”

But the truth is, you want a man that feels strongly enough about you that he’ll let his money get a little tight just to put a smile on your face.

Once we devalue ourselves, so do men. We have to show men that we will not give up our cookies and treat them like a boyfriend or husband when they can’t even go out of their way to do the standard courteous things a man is supposed to do for a woman he just starts to date.

Men have it all now a days. They can have their cake and eat it too! They can sleep with as many women as they want and have each and every one of those women catering to the man and doing for him, basically, what a girlfriend or wife does for her man.

Women outnumber men and because we feel that scarcity of the availability of “good men” or just men period, we compromise every last thing we want in a man and in a relationship just so we can finally say that we have a “boyfriend” or “husband.”

So what do we do about this dating dilemma that plagues our society?

Well, we as women have to get it together as a whole. It’s hard to get respect as one woman when every other woman allows themselves to be disrespected or taken advantage of by men.

Its almost like the standard is that most men WILL disrespect you in some way when you’re first dating!

And you, as the woman, have to let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected. This way you get the respect that you rightfully deserve!

So, if us women could come together and collectively decide that we will not allow any men to treat us with anything less than respect and courtesy, then men as a whole will start to treat us more respectively.

But, we ALL have to put our foot down. If many of us still allow men to disrespect us, take advantage us, or make us “the other women,” then men will glady accept that and continue to expect that from many of us!!

For more on this subject and to hear the male perspective on this topic, please tune into my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com or you can download this episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 3: Phone Etiquette Pt.2- Texting

Posted on January 11, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Unfortunately, with the advances of technology and the invention of text messages, a lot of men are now texting women instead of calling them, but what is acceptable texting behavior?

Listen to my podcast to get the answers you’re looking for!!

For the full dialogue on texting etiquette and more, check out my podcast by clicking on the link below or you can download this episode right here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 2: Phone Etiquette Pt. 1- Calling

Posted on January 5, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Your behavior in the first stages of dating, specifically your phone etiquette, is especially important because it allows people to learn more about you without you having to say it yourself. Be careful, because the person you are calling may be learning more about you than you really want them to know.

Calling someone too much can make you look needy, desperate, or dependent. Calling a man out of boredom, insecurity, or neediness is ESPECIALLY bad if you really don’t have anything to say. And trust me, men can tell when you have absolutely nothing to say and are just calling to call.

Let the man take the lead with calling you so that you can actually see his true level of interest in you. Maybe he’ll only call you Saturday nights at midnight, I don’t know. But, if you don’t let him show you, you’ll never know either.

Check out my podcast to hear the full conversation on this topic. You can access my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com or you can download this episode right here: Download episode.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till next time,

Dee