Entry 7: Stop Giving up Your Life for Him!

Husband Embracing Wife

Image courtesy of Photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ladies, there is no reason why you should be giving up your family, friends and life for the man you are dating. Leaving your life behind for your new beaux and his life is foolish.

Be honest, how many times have you stopped seeing your own friends and given up your life for the man you are dating just for the relationship to end and feel like you have no friends and no life?

Let’s be real, we have all been there at least once in our lives! And, wasn’t it really hard to re-establish those close friendships and bonds you had before you disappeared into your relationship? Are there some friendships that you never got back?

How many of your friends gave up on calling you or trying to hang out with you once you immersed yourself into a new relationship?

Happy Family

Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Don’t Forget Your Loved Ones

The truth is, when a relationship is more serious, of course you won’t see friends and family as often, but you should never stop communicating with the people that have always been there for you and loved you long before you met your new beaux!

Don’t forget, your friends and family can miss you when you’re in a relationship, so don’t forget to keep up with them and stay in touch!

If you can’t see them, fine! But, at least CALL or TEXT!! Its 2014! There are way too many technological advances out there for anyone to have any excuse for not keeping in touch.

When you take the time to keep up with family and the friendships you cultivated long before your new boo came along, you’ll find it’s much easier not to be overly available to the new guy your dating.

Scarcity Increases Demand

It’s true that your scarcity will increase a man’s desire for you. It’s the whole concept of supply and demand. For example, if there’s a high supply of something, the demand for it will not be as high.

But, when something is scarce, when there is a low supply of something, the demand for that thing goes through the roof!

I personally think that this concept directly applies to dating. The more available you are, the less someone will actually want to see you.

However, if you’re hard to see, if you’re hard to lock down for a date, a man will constantly be trying to fit himself into your schedule.

Image courtesy of Marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Develop Interests

If you don’t have friends, family, or things to do outside of work, then you need to get a hobby! For real!! Find something to do with your time.

Find something that interests you or stimulates your mind. You could go to Barnes and Nobles and just wander through the sections for a good book to read.

Find a hobby you enjoy like blogging, podcasting, hiking, volunteering, or whatever may interest you.

If the only thing that interests you is men, then start going to dating seminars, read self-help and dating books. Do something!

You need to have a life (or act like you have a life) because if you don’t, you’ll give a man the impression that he has to create a life for you and keep your needy behind occupied 24/7!

Couple in the park

Image courtesy of Photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Delicate Balance

Remember though, it’s actually a very delicate balance that must be maintained between not being overly available and showing that you do have genuine interest in a man.

Today, on my podcast, my male guest on the show said that you shouldn’t be too available, however, you don’t want a man to read your unavailability as not being interested in him.

He made a great point! You should never be unavailable altogether or be overly hard to reach because a man could easily think that you just aren’t interested in him.

So, be sure to balance your availability to men so they do understand that you are interested in them, but that you also have a life (i.e. work, family, and friends to keep up with).

In fact, if you stick to keeping a life of your own instead of dropping all your relationships for a new man, you may start to feel like you can’t even accommodate all the time your man wants to spend with you!

Image courtesy of Adamr/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Take Caution With Single Friends

Be cautious of making too much time for your single friends. The truth is, single people have the most free time and if you prioritize seeing them in most of their free time, you could actually hurt your relationship.

You definitely don’t want your man to feel like he comes second to your friends. He just needs to know that you need to see your friends every so often because they are important to you too.

Your friends deserve some attention, but they can’t have most or all of it. Remember to maintain that balance between your life and your relationships.

You Want More?

If you want to hear more on this topic and get the male perspective, check out my podcast on this topic at Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download this episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

 

Entry 6: Where Has Courtship Gone?? Pt.2

Girl giving flower

One of the reasons that courtship is nearly extinct is because women have made it way too easy for men. There are several ways that women make themselves too available to men and, ultimately, help promote men’s lack of effort in dating and courting women.

Unfortunately, it’s going to take a collective effort from women to get the change we want from men as a whole. One woman alone, can’t inspire the change we want in men as a whole.

There’s several different things we can do as women to start getting men to put effort into dating and courting us. The underlying concept in each point is that women have to be less available to men in the early stages of dating.

For this post, we will just discuss one point, answering every phone call you get from a man.

Answering Every Phone Call

For some reason, we seem to feel that if our phone rings and we see the call, we MUST pick up the phone. Well, this is the exact opposite of what should happen when you first start dating someone.

You should never be so available to a man you just started dating that you answer every single phone call he makes regardless of whether you are busy or just sitting on the couch.

Compulsion to Answer Your Phone

I know we naturally feel some sort of compulsion to answer a man’s phone call as if we would never hear from him again if we didn’t answer, but that’s actually not the case.

What happens when you call a guy you’re dating and he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you back right away? Do you not think about him constantly until he finally calls you back? Do you not wonder what he is doing? Do you not stress about whether he saw your call and ignored it or if he is legitimately busy?

Well, the same questions run across a man’s mind when you don’t pick up his phone call and call him back right away.

It’s good to let a man think about you and wonder what you’re doing. He may actually think about you more if you don’t pick up his call than if you answer his call, talk to him for 15 minutes, and don’t speak for another day or so.

Develop An Attachment

I personally think that forcing a man to think about you, by not answering his every phone call, helps him slowly develop an attachment to you.

Don’t you find that the men you think about the most are the same men you desire the most and feel the strongest about? Interesting huh!

The more you think about someone or something, the more you get attached to it (or the idea of it). Therefore, by forcing a man to think about you more than he normally would, you are essentially forcing him to start developing an attachment to you.

%22Call Me%22 Gesture

Force Him to Think About You

From my experience, I can truthfully say that I thought about a man a whole lot more when he didn’t answer my call, even if he was someone I knew I didn’t want to pursue dating.

When guys didn’t pick up some of my friends phone calls, they would say stuff like, “Wow, I can’t believe this fool didn’t pick up my call and I was willing to spend my Saturday with him as lame as he is!”

So, my point is, whether you are even interested in a man or not, when he doesn’t answer your call you WILL think about him. So, make the guy you’re dating think about you; whether he wants to or not!

Disclaimer: When I say don’t answer every phone call, I do not mean don’t return his call at all. You definitely need to return his call, just wait a few hours. But, never wait more than 24 hours to return a phone call.

Look Like You Have a Life

It’s also a good thing to miss a phone call here and there so you don’t come off as having no kind of life whatsoever.

The truth is, men want a woman that other people want. They want a woman that people like, that people want to hang out with, that people desire. If no one wants to talk to you or see you, why would a man?

What kind of men do you tend to want the most? Is it the guy that you think is a couch potato who seems to have no friends and no life or is it the guy that seems to have an exciting life and friends that love him and can’t get enough of his time?

Well, this is my point. A man wants a woman that looks like she’s enjoying her life. He doesn’t want a woman that he thinks he will have to create a life for or include her in everything he does.

Perception is Reality

Whether your life is exciting, fulfilled, or boring, PERCEPTION IS REALITY. How a man perceives you is what he will believe you are, whether his perception is accurate or not.

And a man’s perception of you will guide his decision to date you, put effort into getting to know you, pursue something serious with you, or just make you a “late night creep” option.

So, you definitely want a man to THINK that you have a life and friends, even if you don’t.

Obviously, after a while of dating, a man will learn who you really are, but hopefully by that point he likes you or has fallen for you so that the fact that you have no friends and are just a couch potato won’t be a deal breaker for him.

You Want More?

For the full conversation on this topic, check out my podcast! Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

Stay tuned this upcoming week as I bring you more tips on how women can bring courtship back!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Focusing on the Process not the Dating Outcomes

It really is time to start slowing down the dating process and enjoying the ride instead of making it a long term examination that a man has to pass.

Suzie the Single Dating Diva

Focusing on the Process NOT the Dating Outcomes

I don’t know about you, but often times I get caught up in the looking at the finish line that I don’t even notice anything else that’s going on around me.  I’m like that a lot in everything I do, I just want to get to my goal as fast as I can.  I’ve also noticed that in my personal life as well.  I sometimes am so focused on the finish line, getting where I want to be that forget to stop and smell the roses and just “be” where I’m at.  I’m not the only one.  Most people are like that.

It took me a while to realize that.  It was one of the main reasons that I married the wrong person way back when.  I was so focused on being “the bride” and fitting into the “box” that I turned a blind eye to many red flags.  The…

View original post 671 more words

Entry 5: Be the Woman he Wants to Conquer: Courtship, Where has it Gone?? Pt. 1

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where has Courtship Really Gone??

The reality is, men don’t want a woman that is 100% available to them when they first meet and in the early dating stages. Men really do love to chase a woman. But why is courtship nearly extinct?

So many women are giving away their cookies for, pretty much, nothing and making it extremely easy for men to use and discard them.

Majority of the time, the man hasn’t taken the women out and courted her the way that he should, and he hasn’t even agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman.

But, us women devalue ourselves, feeling that it’s okay that the guy doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with us or that he wants to continue dating other people and still see you!

Or if he refuses to put legitimate effort into dating and courting you, you rationalize it by saying, “Well he’s paying back a lot of student loans.”

Or ” he’s starting his own business so he doesn’t have much spending money” or maybe you said the time old “he just doesn’t make much money, so I can’t expect him to use any money to take me out.”

But the truth is, you want a man that feels strongly enough about you that he’ll let his money get a little tight just to put a smile on your face.

Once we devalue ourselves, so do men. We have to show men that we will not give up our cookies and treat them like a boyfriend or husband when they can’t even go out of their way to do the standard courteous things a man is supposed to do for a woman he just starts to date.

Men have it all now a days. They can have their cake and eat it too! They can sleep with as many women as they want and have each and every one of those women catering to the man and doing for him, basically, what a girlfriend or wife does for her man.

Women outnumber men and because we feel that scarcity of the availability of “good men” or just men period, we compromise every last thing we want in a man and in a relationship just so we can finally say that we have a “boyfriend” or “husband.”

So what do we do about this dating dilemma that plagues our society?

Well, we as women have to get it together as a whole. It’s hard to get respect as one woman when every other woman allows themselves to be disrespected or taken advantage of by men.

Its almost like the standard is that most men WILL disrespect you in some way when you’re first dating!

And you, as the woman, have to let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected. This way you get the respect that you rightfully deserve!

So, if us women could come together and collectively decide that we will not allow any men to treat us with anything less than respect and courtesy, then men as a whole will start to treat us more respectively.

But, we ALL have to put our foot down. If many of us still allow men to disrespect us, take advantage us, or make us “the other women,” then men will glady accept that and continue to expect that from many of us!!

For more on this subject and to hear the male perspective on this topic, please tune into my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com or you can download this episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Perfect Place to Meet Men!

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When talking about how to meet new men, I always think about this one story I heard growing up:

There’s this woman who REALLY wants a good man to come into her life!! So everyday she gets down on her knees and prays to God, “God, please bring a good man into my life!!”

But after months and years of praying she starts to feel like God DOESN’T want to answer her prayers. So she prays even harder, “God PLEASE bring a good man into my life, I’m a good person!! Why won’t you bring me a good man???”

And all of a sudden, God spoke to her and said, “How can I bring you a good man if you never leave your home???”

I don’t know why I always think of this story when the subject is how to meet men, but I do think the story makes a good point that, ultimately, you have to continue to put yourself out there.

Because once you give up on putting yourself out there, you’ve given up on that possibility of a good man coming into your life.

A great thing you could try to do to meet good men is to start volunteering. You’ll start to see that there are good men out there in this world.

Maybe you’ll find your next love while you’re getting sweaty building a house. And you might even snag a secret millionaire who loves to give back!!!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 4: Phone Etiquette Pt. 3- Sexting!!

Sexting is basically when you take sexy or sexually explicit photos of yourself and send them to other people by text or email. Is this idea of sending risqué or sexy photos a new phenomena? Not at all!!!

So, how did adults and young teens exchange pictures in the past? Richard Chalfen, the author of “‘It’s only a picture’: sexting, ‘smutty’ snapshots and felony charges,” says that young couples actually used to swap pictures of themselves in skimpy swimsuits through regular mail.

And do you remember the polaroid camera people?? We’ve all taken a selfie with a polaroid camera at some point in our lives (not necessarily a nude one). Well, I guess that’s if you were alive when the polaroid camera was hot!

Chalfen also said that polaroid cameras encouraged the exchange of “risqué” pictures because couples did not have to face any embarrassment from going to the corner drugstore to develop their pictures and possibly face punishment from law enforcement!!

Then, when the camcorder emerged, it was just another median for sexually explicit purposes. With the technological advancement of cell phones having digital cameras, sexting is really just the latest chapter in this Saga as Chalfen puts it.

Now that I understand the history behind the sharing of sexual pictures, I definitely agree with Chalfen that most people rarely see sexting as just another case of technology extending an activity or action that young people have engaged in for years.

Our generation has to raise kids in this technologically advanced era and what does this mean for us? Unfortunately, it means we can no longer just have the “sex” talk with our kids. We also have to have the “sexting” talk now too just to make sure our kids won’t destroy their future with nude pictures before their careers even start!

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy said that 71% of teen girls and 67% of teen boys admitted to sending or posting sexually suggestive content to a boyfriend or girlfriend. That sounds like a lot to me!

But obviously we know that some boy is receiving each girls sext, so why don’t these numbers match each other? Why are teen girls willing to admit to sexting more than the boys are? Just some interesting food for thought for you.

For the full conversation on sexting, download this episode now: Sexting

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Food For Thought: Text Flirting

Image courtesy of Atibodyphoto at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Atibodyphoto at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“When is it okay to text flirt without looking like you’re trying to give up the cookie early?”

When you flirt in a text message, you can’t be as subtle as you normally would be when flirting on the phone or in person. This is because your tone of voice, body language, and other subtleties aren’t conveyed in text messages.

Flirting In General

Flirting on the phone can be as a simple as answering a question in a more seductive or sexy voice. Flirting in person requires even less overtness because you can use your body language to flirt and show interest in a man without having to do much at all.

For example, orienting your body towards his by crossing your legs in his direction or sitting more closely to him is a subtle form of flirting that lets a man know that you’re interested in him or what he is saying without much effort on your part.

These kind of subtle cues allow us to exhibit a light, flirty side without coming off as being just interested in sex.

Flirting in Text Messages

Flirting can come in the simple form of body language, tone of voice, or through a play on words. However, when flirting  takes place through text messaging, you have to be much more straight forward, suggestive, and blatant about your flirting so that it can actually come across as flirting to the recipient of the text.

This does pose a problem though, because now you have to figure out how to balance your desire to convey your flirting with your desire to not look like you are just about sex. When you text flirt, it is a lot easier to look overly sexified and seem like just a sex object to a man.

Unfortunately, once a man categorizes you into the “just sex” box, you literally will be just the girl he has sex with. While there are exceptions to the rule that once you’re labeled as just a girl to have sex with, that’s all you will ever be to him, we can’t all be the exception to the rule!

My Answer

Considering how easy it is to be labeled as just a sex object in general by man, it is very important that we wait a reasonable amount of time before engaging in text flirting with men.

In my personal opinion, I think women should hold off on text flirting with a man until at least after the third or fourth date.

Remember though, this doesn’t mean you can’t subtly flirt on the phone or in person. Just make sure that your flirting isn’t too sexified and over the top so that you can maintain respect in his eyes.

An effortless, but seductive batting of the eyes can even go a long way in showing your flirty side without the negative consequence of being labeled as just a sex object.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Podcast

If you want to hear more about texting as it relates to dating and relationships, check out my podcast at http://www.deesdatingdiary.podomatic.com