Did You Breakup With Your Boyfriend Because A “Spark” Was Missing?

Our past relationships have a big impact on who we choose to date in the future. Whether it leads us to dating better men or the same types of men we previously dated really just depends on whether we properly processed (mentally) our past relationships, learned the necessary lessons, and implement positive changes.

Unfortunately, most women don’t do this.

And while this perpetuates many different dating and relationship problems, today I want to focus on a more subtle problem that kills great relationships– thinking a “spark” is missing.

What Is The “Spark?”

The Merriam-Webster dictionary has several definitions for the word “spark.” However, the one that best fits relationships is this: “something that sets off a sudden force.” And still, this definition is pretty vague. 

In the end though, it doesn’t really matter how any dictionary or person defines a spark because the spark is really what we individually believe it to be. One woman might believe that the spark is having butterflies in her stomach while another woman might feel that the spark is wanting to continue talking to someone for hours on end.

Ultimately, the spark is a highly subjective concept. 

Every woman is looking for that spark when she’s dating a man. But how do you actually define a spark and is your definition of a spark hurting your relationships or leading you to dating terrible guys?

Are You Used To The Emotional Roller Coaster?

When women date men who treat them poorly and put them through a lot of ups and downs, which I call the emotional roller coaster, they consequently develop unhealthy attachments to these men and often confuse those feelings of extreme anxiety then satisfaction, during the ups and downs, as a strong spark and growing feelings of love.

They think those anxious feelings they have while waiting for Mr. Wrong to do right are really butterflies. But they’re not…

Then, when they meet a good man who is honest, genuine, and grounded, they think a spark is missing and, therefore, must be dating the wrong man. 

Are You Really Missing A “Spark?”

But before you cut things off with your next boyfriend because you think there’s no spark in the relationship, ask yourself this–are we lacking a connection or is there just a lack of drama in the relationship?

It’s extremely important that you evaluate what you believe the spark is because some women easily confuse stability as a lack of a spark when they’ve wrongfully internalized drama as the norm.

So, the next time you find yourself wondering if you’re dating the right man because you feel that something is missing, think: am I missing a spark or am I missing the drama?

Be honest with yourself so you can openly embrace a great, stable relationship with a great man!

Till Next Time,

Dee

Want more great dating advice? Buy my new book, Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve! Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Photo Credit: Photo by Allan Filipe Santos Dias on Unsplash

Flawed Belief Systems That Keep Women Single

I had the privilege of going on Renaissance Relationship Therapy with Life Purpose Coach and Matchmaker Tem’Ti to discuss flawed belief systems that keep women single. 

Find out what beliefs you’re holding on to that are preventing you from getting that amazing love and relationship you truly want. Listen to the show below! 

Want more great dating advice? Buy my new book, Picking up The Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve!

A Man’s Take On A Woman’s Dating Advice Book

I provided Andreas Michaelides of Thirsty For Health with a complementary copy of Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve in exchange for an honest review. Here’s some of what he said:

“This book is an efficient down to earth guide for women that want to stop having failed relationships. It covers a lot of issues that a woman should take into consideration and also fix in her life to be able to attract the right man into her life…

I loved the engagement the exercises offer with the reader… I am not a woman, but the philosophy can be applied to both sexes. I learned a lot about me. I did all the exercises, I had to twist the questions for men, but it was a fun thing to do. Also, the book helped me realize and understand a lot of issues I had with my ex-wife and even see and comprehend a lot of her behavior, especially her jealousy scenes…” Continue reading on Thirsty For Health

Ready to change your dating and relationship life for the better? Get your copy of Picking up the Pieces today: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-A-MillionSmashwords

Till Next Time,

Dee

15 Signs You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

Today, it’s become harder and harder for some women to decipher their place in a man’s life. They aren’t sure how to define the relationship or don’t know if what they have is a relationship at all.

It’s not uncommon to see a woman give some guy months or even years of her attention just to learn down the line that he never wanted anything that was more than casual.

Communication Is Key

If you find yourself in an awkward space where you don’t know if you’re in a relationship or dating towards having a serious relationship, the best thing to do is to have an open, honest conversation with the person you’re dating to see if you’re on the same page as far as pursuing a relationship.

I think it’s important to note though, that some men will be very vague and obscure when having the “what are we” conversation. Some men don’t want to lose the great situationship they have with you, but also don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with you either.

So, they will try to keep you in limbo for as long as possible so they can delay getting to the point of having to seriously commit to you or break things off.

Signs You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

If you’ve talked about your situationship, but feel like you didn’t get clarity or only feel more confused, consider the following signs to determine whether you might be your guy’s next serious girlfriend or just his late night creep:

1. He Never Spends More Than 3-4 Hours With You

2. He’s Always “Too Busy” To Make Real Plans With You

3. He Never Takes You Out In Public

4. He Only Hangs Out With You After 9pm 

5. All You Do Is Netflix And Chill

6. He Says He Doesn’t Believe in Using Labels (until you see him calling someone else his fiancé a few years later)

7. He Doesn’t Let You Meet His Friends Or Family And Avoids Yours

8. He Pretends Like He’s Alone When Someone Calls Him And Asks What He’s Doing

9. He’s A Ghost When You’re On Your Period And Resurfaces When It’s Over

10. You Only Hear From Him Once or Twice A Week Or Only A Few Times A Month

11. He Rejected Your Facebook Friend Request

12. He Lies And Says He Doesn’t Have A Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat Account

13. He Won’t Commit To Any Future Plans With You (i.e. vacations, trips, weddings, events, etc.)

14. He Says He’s Not “Ready” For A Relationship

15. He Says He Likes The Situationship Just The Way It Is

If you discuss going out in public or becoming more than what you are now and your guy says he likes things just the way they are, he isn’t “ready” for a relationship, or doesn’t think you guys need to define what you are, you’re never going to be in a real relationship with this man and it’s best that you cut your losses and move on, if this isn’t what you want.

For more great dating advice, check out my new book — Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve. Available on: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Is Netflix And Chill An Acceptable First Date?

For those of you who are not familiar with the Netflix and chill date, it’s basically a date where you hang out at someone’s home and watch Netflix together.

Here’s the catch, the men that propose these kind of “dates” aren’t interested in having a real date with you. Instead, that want to lay on the couch or bed with you while watching a movie to make it easier for them to make a pass at you and get in your pants.

The Purpose of Netflix And Chill

The Netflix and chill date is really not a date at all. It’s the least amount of effort that a man can put into getting to know you. As a matter of fact, a man who wants to watch Netflix and chill most likely doesn’t really care about getting to know who you are.

He just wants to get you in an environment that will make it easy for him to come on to you. While many women know what to expect if they’re invited to Netflix and chill, some women are surprised to learn that the purpose of the date was for some no-strings-attached fun.

Of course, if you’ve already gone out on other dates, outside the home, then there’s nothing wrong with being invited over to Netflix and chill. However, your first three or four dates should be outside of each other’s home so that having premature sex won’t be an option.

And you’ll give yourself and your date the opportunity to really get to know each other and see if there is potential for a future relationship.

Do You Want A Relationship or Netflix And Chill Nights?

The reality is, men use Netflix and chill as a way to sleep with women as quickly as possible and with as little effort as necessary to accomplish that goal. If you don’t want just have a casual, sexual relationship, you don’t want to start off on that foot.

If you’re interested in more than just sex, you have to act that way and accepting a Netflix and chill date where you end up sleeping with a man too soon does not bring you any closer to attaining that. 

Now there are women who claim to be equally interested in sex on the first date as men, but a lot of these women eventually come to regret their decision to move quickly on the first date when they realize the man they slept with is no longer showing any interest.

Will Rejecting A Netflix And Chill Date Get You A Relationship?

I’m not saying that rejecting the Netflix and chill date will land you in a relationship with a man, but I am saying that you increase your chances of growing what you have into a relationship if you get to know the man you’re dating before sleeping with him and give him a chance to do the same.

You might even get to know a man and realize that he isn’t right for you at all, so by not jumping into the Netflix and chill date too soon, you give yourself an opportunity to see if a man is compatible with you before you go as far as sleeping with him.

Want To Know If He’s Interested In More Than Just Sex?

If you want to know if a man is interested in more than just sex, kindly turn down his suggestion for a Netflix and chill date and let him know that you’d like to get out of the house and do something fun or grab a bite or a drink.

If he’s still trying to pressure you into a Netflix and chill night or isn’t receptive to doing anything else, this man only sees you as an opportunity for sex and nothing more. 

Survey Results

Two weeks ago, I put an informal survey up on my blog asking, “Are you okay with Netflix and chill dates?” While I did not specify whether it was for a first date or otherwise, I found it interesting that 40% of those surveyed answered “yes,” 40% said “no,” and 20% chose “other.”

What are your thoughts on Netflix and chill for a first date? Let me know in the comments below!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Image Courtesy of Imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

How to Bring Up Relationship Problems Without Making Your Boyfriend Defensive

If you want to bring up relationship problems without making your boyfriend get defensive, you’re going to have to address the conversation from a “This is how I feel” standpoint. Meaning instead of saying “YOU always do this” or “YOU never clean up after yourself,” you have to explain how you feel by speaking in first person.

So, you would say something like, “After a long day at work, I feel so exhausted that’s it’s hard for me to find the energy to clean. It would be so helpful if I had an extra hand around the house.” Speaking from a place of “I” and not, “You” allows a person to hear your concerns more clearly.

Using the word “you” automatically makes most people feel attacked and this is can hold you back from having a productive, positive conversation. Also, being careful to say “I feel…” instead of ” You (insert behavior here)” will keep all the unnecessary low blows out of the discussion.

When you stick to only talking about how you feel, you keep yourself from making the conversation a childish one where you ignite more flames as opposed to putting them out.

Try not to use the word “you” the next time you have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about a relationship problem and see how it goes. 

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

Photo Credit: Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Help! My Boyfriend Slept With Someone Else While We Were Broken Up!

Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,

It’s been 2 weeks since I got back together with my boyfriend and he came back after the break up even more of a sweetheart, but there is one catch…He admitted to me that he slept with someone else in his words “I was just trying to get you out of my head.” 
 
I totally understand that we weren’t together when it happened so, duh, it wasn’t cheating, but I am struggling with dealing with him being with someone else in-between, that I’m not the only one he’s been with this year/this age he’s at, the fact that he’s got a higher sex number, etc. Our reunion has been bittersweet…On one hand he’s a better man and is willing to give me everything I’ve ever wanted, and on another he slept with someone in such a gross way it’s a huge turn off for me. 
 
I’m having so much trouble coming to terms with this one fact. Am I wrong for letting something that happened when we were broken up affect my happiness? I’m interested in your thoughts.
 
Dear Dater,
 
It’s completely understandable that you aren’t comfortable with the fact that your boyfriend slept with another woman while you were broken up. However, you shouldn’t let something that happened while you were broken up affect your happiness. 
 
At this point,  you’ve already gotten back together with your ex so if you want to make the relationship work you’re going to have to move past this. But you also need to be honest with yourself, if this is something you’re never going to be able to let go of, then it’s best that you and your boyfriend go your separate ways.
 
If you’re sure that you want to make this relationship work then you need to know that you won’t get over this situation overnight. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to lessen and eventually eliminate the negative feelings you’re currently having:

1. Get Tested Together

First, I suggest that you and your boyfriend go get tested together. Even if your boyfriend used protection during sex, condoms are not 100% effective against STDs! I think that getting a clean bill of health for both of you will help put your mind at ease and really allow you to start moving on from this.

2. Forgive Him

If you’re going to stay in this relationship, you have to forgive your boyfriend. You can’t continue to dwell on this, hold this over his head, or harbor these feelings or it will have a negative impact on your relationship in the long run.
 
Since you were broken up when he slept with someone else he really didn’t violate your relationship. However, if your boyfriend broke up with you for the sole purpose of sleeping with someone else, that would be a totally different story, but I don’t believe that is the case here. 

3. Have An Honest Conversation 

You need to have a conversation with your boyfriend where you let him know that you were bothered by him sleeping with someone else while broken up, but that you fully forgive him and want to move forward.
 
You also want to let your boyfriend know that you won’t hold this over his head or bring it up in future arguments so that he’ll know he won’t have to pay for this the entire relationship.

4. Don’t Focus On His “Number”

Unfortunately, you most likely won’t have the same number of sex partners as the men you date. This is just the reality so you have to move past wanting to have the same number as your boyfriends. The most important thing is that your future boyfriends practice safe sex and get tested regularly so they never put your health at risk!

 

I hope this advice helps you and I wish you all the best in your love life!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Yours Truly,

Dee Simone 

Photo Credit: Image courtesy of Stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net