In this short video, I’m sharing dating advice that EVERY woman needs to hear! Go ahead and click play!
Till Next Time,
Our past relationships have a big impact on who we choose to date in the future. Whether it leads us to dating better men or the same types of men we previously dated really just depends on whether we properly processed (mentally) our past relationships, learned the necessary lessons, and implement positive changes.
Unfortunately, most women don’t do this.
And while this perpetuates many different dating and relationship problems, today I want to focus on a more subtle problem that kills great relationships– thinking a “spark” is missing.
What Is The “Spark?”
The Merriam-Webster dictionary has several definitions for the word “spark.” However, the one that best fits relationships is this: “something that sets off a sudden force.” And still, this definition is pretty vague.
In the end though, it doesn’t really matter how any dictionary or person defines a spark because the spark is really what we individually believe it to be. One woman might believe that the spark is having butterflies in her stomach while another woman might feel that the spark is wanting to continue talking to someone for hours on end.
Ultimately, the spark is a highly subjective concept.
Every woman is looking for that spark when she’s dating a man. But how do you actually define a spark and is your definition of a spark hurting your relationships or leading you to dating terrible guys?
Are You Used To The Emotional Roller Coaster?
When women date men who treat them poorly and put them through a lot of ups and downs, which I call the emotional roller coaster, they consequently develop unhealthy attachments to these men and often confuse those feelings of extreme anxiety then satisfaction, during the ups and downs, as a strong spark and growing feelings of love.
They think those anxious feelings they have while waiting for Mr. Wrong to do right are really butterflies. But they’re not…
Then, when they meet a good man who is honest, genuine, and grounded, they think a spark is missing and, therefore, must be dating the wrong man.
Are You Really Missing A “Spark?”
But before you cut things off with your next boyfriend because you think there’s no spark in the relationship, ask yourself this–are we lacking a connection or is there just a lack of drama in the relationship?
It’s extremely important that you evaluate what you believe the spark is because some women easily confuse stability as a lack of a spark when they’ve wrongfully internalized drama as the norm.
So, the next time you find yourself wondering if you’re dating the right man because you feel that something is missing, think: am I missing a spark or am I missing the drama?
Be honest with yourself so you can openly embrace a great, stable relationship with a great man!
Till Next Time,
When you’re dating, one of the most important things to look for in a man is consistency. Consistency is truly key!
What Is Consistency?
Consistency in dating basically means that a man’s behavior with you remains the same for as long as you date.
For example, if you’re dating a man and you see him every weekend for a month then you suddenly only see him randomly on weekdays, this is inconsistent behavior and, therefore, a red flag. If you talk on the phone everyday then only speak only a few times a week or only exchange texts here and there, this behavior is inconsistent and tells you that this man won’t be a long-term partner.
Consistency in dating also includes consistency between a man’s words (what he tells you) and his actions (what he is actually doing). For example, if a man says he is going to call you tomorrow and doesn’t, there’s no consistency between his words and actions.
If a man’s words aren’t consistent with his actions, this lets you know that his words are lies and can’t be relied on. Remember, men’s actions will always tell you how they truly feel about you! A man who is consistent is a man who can be trusted and relied upon. A man who is inconsistent or wishy-washy can’t be trusted and you’ll regularly have the feeling that you don’t know where you stand with this guy.
One day you’ll talk to him and hear all the things you want to hear and you’ll feel great, thinking he definitely wants you in his life. Then the next day (when you haven’t heard from him) you’ll feel like you’re right back to square one, wondering if he really does want to continue progressing towards a serious relationship.
The Negative Effect Of Dating Inconsistent Men
Dating inconsistent men can give you the false feeling that you are in love or quickly falling in love. You’ll develop strong feelings for these types of men, not because you are actually falling in love with the man, but simply because you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with them (Check out my post Are You In Love Or On An Emotional Roller Coaster).
When you are constantly having to wonder and worry about where you stand with a man or when he will see or speak to you next, it unconsciously makes you feel more attached to the person because you are stressing out about them. It’s not strong genuine feelings that you’re cultivating, it’s just a strong desire for continued attention, and validation or confirmation that dating each other is going somewhere.
In the moments that he’s texting you and whispering sweet-nothings in your ear, you feel amazing, beautiful, loved, and cherished. However, when days go by, in the absence of communication, you feel forgotten, deserted, undesired, insecure, and so much more.
Going from these extreme emotional highs to extreme emotional lows is what builds unhealthy attachments to these men and, consequently, we often mistake this artificial attachment as genuine feelings of love and adoration.
Is His Attention Fleeting?
I recently heard this saying “when a guy burns hot, he extinguishes fast,” and I definitely agree with it to a certain extent. Most of the time, when a man comes on really strong and tries to “lay it on thick,” it’s usually fleeting attention that doesn’t last because his aim is simply to quickly move you to the bedroom.
With this in mind, it’s always a great idea to take your time in getting to know a man and pace the dating so that you don’t get wrapped up in any guy’s facade and you give him enough time to let his true colors show.
If you’ve been dating a man whose communication seems to be dwindling, it’s probably not because he is suddenly busy all the time. When a man’s attention is fleeting, it’s because they’ve lost interest or they never really had interest in pursuing a serious relationship in the first place.
How Inconsistency Gets Manifested As Gut Instincts
I’m constantly talking about how important it is to trust your gut instinct. As much as it can be hard to trust ourselves, you should always listen to what your gut tells you.
Your gut instinct will actually kick in when a man is not consistent with you. If he tells you one thing, but his actions say something completely different, you’ll get that gut feeling that something isn’t right.
However, most women tend to write off their gut feelings that something isn’t right, just to learn much later down the line that they really should have paid more attention to it.
How To Weed Out Inconsistent Men When Dating
As a woman, it’s your job to determine whether a man is being truthful and honest in his feelings for you and you accomplish this by paying attention to his words, actions, and your own gut instincts. The days of letting men “sell you the dream“ are over!
You can no longer just listen to the sweet words that men tell you and think that it is the sole indicator of their true interest in you or love for you. You have to start dating consciously so that you can recognize when a man’s behavior is not consistent with what he tells you. This will allow you to make an informed decision when deciding whether to continue pursuing a relationship with a man you’re dating.
Till Next Time,
When you come across that bad boy you feel attracted to, what is it that piques your interest in him? Do you know what’s at the root of your attraction?
Why You’re Attracted To Bad Boys
There’s no one size fits all answer to why you date bad boys, but there are a few common reasons that might apply to you. Perhaps you enjoy the thrill of the bad boy lifestyle or maybe you have a habit of dating emotionally unavailable men.
For some women, low self-esteem at the root of dating bad boys because the attention they receive from the bad boy makes them feel better about themselves.
You may even be attracted to bad boys because of your own misperception and misunderstanding about men’s behavior or personality. Several years ago, I read a really interesting article that said women are attracted to bad boys because their arrogance is mistaken for confidence.
Mistaking Arrogance For Confidence
Basically, you might perceive a bad boy as having a high level of confidence, which is a very strong attraction point when it comes to dating. Whether you’re a man or a woman, confidence is sexy, period.
No one wants to date an insecure person who constantly needs pacifying and reassurance. The reality is, a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence is definitely a turn off.
With bad boys being arrogant and cocky by nature, they display what seems to be great self-confidence when in actuality they’re just arrogant. What’s actually pulling you in is not the bad boy’s true confidence, it’s his boastful, cocky, and arrogant nature.
In this respect, your attraction to bad boys is purely based on mis-perceiving their arrogance for confidence.
Ready To Let Go Of The Bad Boy?
When you consider all of this, it makes perfect sense that you might want to date a bad boy. But, now that you know why you may have been attracted to bad boys, will you continue to date them?
Knowing the basis of your attraction to certain types of man is the starting point for change, but you first have to want the change yourself if you’re going to do anything differently.
So, are you ready to stop dating bad boys?
Till Next Time,
We’ve all heard the saying, “Nice guys finish last.” But if you read my post Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and it’s not because they aren’t bad boys), you understand that nice guys have more control over whether they finish last than they realize. To help further this, I want to discuss 6 important dating tips for nice guys who don’t want to finish last:
1. Resist The Clinging Impulse
We definitely can’t ignore the fact that some nice guys have a tendency to come off as needy or clingy and if you’re a nice guy doing this, you really have to scale this back. When you meet a woman, your initial communications are crucial and it’s important that you don’t overwhelm or suffocate a new love interest.
If you’re not sure whether you’re giving women the needy vibe, check out my post 8 Signs You’re Dating A Needy Guy. Although you may have good intentions at heart, many women are not attracted to men who are needy, clingy, or need an overwhelming amount of attention.
If you send a woman a text message, don’t send 4 or 5 more texts back to back before getting a response from the first one. Or maybe you’re guilty of getting off the phone with a woman and then immediately texting her to continue the conversation. Calling a woman a second time in the same day when she hasn’t returned your first call is another great way to get boxed into the clingy category.
The harsh reality is that if you don’t immediately get a response from your text or call, you have to exercise patience and just wait for a response. If you never get one, don’t send a flurry of texts or blow up her cell.
You have to take the situation for what it is, she’s just not that into you. And that’s okay because every woman isn’t going to be right for you and a woman’s disinterest gives you the freedom and ability to find that woman who is right for you. Take it as a blessing that you don’t have to spend weeks and months dating a woman who isn’t going to be around long-term and only feels lukewarm about you at best.
Which brings me to my next tip…
2. Let Feelings Develop Naturally
It’s important that you avoid being needy or clingy so that things can develop naturally over time. I know some men will say that holding themselves back isn’t authentic and that they should be able to fully be themselves with a woman. But, no one is asking you not to be yourself. I’m just saying that you can’t try to latch onto someone too quickly.
You have to take your time because you can’t force a woman to fall in love with you by suffocating her.
3. Women Need Time To Reflect
Most women need space and time to reflect and think about, and even fantasize about, the person they’re dating. They need to think about the conversations you’ve had, the moments you’ve enjoyed together on dates, and other things.
The act of thinking about you is where the feelings and emotions start to develop. But, if you don’t give a woman some space and time to let yourself pop into her head naturally, she’s not going to fall for you the way you want her to.
You want a woman to want to hear your voice, but if she’s hearing your voice several times a day right after she meets you, she’s probably not going to get to that point. So it’s really important that you allow there to be space for the feelings to grow and develop.
And, I hope you nice guys can see that slowing down and pacing yourself when you’re dating or trying to date a woman has nothing to do with not being yourself.
4. Build Your Confidence
For some nice guys it’s their lack of self-confidence that keeps them from getting women. It’s not just you men that like to date confident people. Women like confident men too. And, just like guys can spot insecurity in women, women can spot insecurity in men as well.
The reality is, a lack of self-confidence is a turn off. So you have to work through your insecurities and build up your self-confidence so that you can be more attractive to women.
This is how it works for many of us women– You could have a man that’s a 7, but his personality and confidence brings him up to a 10. So, once you build your confidence, you’ll actually feel more comfortable letting your full personality shine through and you’ll ultimately be more attractive to women in the long run.
5. Never Lead With Your Financial Foot
Some nice guys are guilty of using their financial resources to win a woman over or make her fall in love with him. However, leading with your financial foot will only draw the wrong kind of women into your life.
If you feel like you have to shower a woman with gifts and throw your money around for her to like you, then she’s really not the right woman for you and she’ll probably only stick around for as long as you continue to throw that money around.
6. Be Mindful Of The Women You Chase
To their detriment, some nice guys have a habit of chasing after women who like the “bad boys.” Unfortunately, in the end, with this type of woman, you’re going to lose every time. You will surely get your heart broken in your efforts to show this kind of woman a real, amazing, and healthy love.
Women who love bad boys have to mature and get to a certain mental state before they can walk away from their bad boy loving lifestyle. Picking an evolved, mature, self-confident (not arrogant) woman is how nice guys can finish first! This is the kind of woman who will always appreciate you for who you are and never take you for granted.
So, instead of trying to convert this woman into a nice guy loving dater, look for the woman who has already evolved past the point of being interested in a bad boy. This is the woman who will appreciate you, love you, and never take you for granted. This is where you will flourish!
Till Next Time,
What’s sexy to one person may not necessarily be sexy to another person. Some women find beards attractive while others don’t. When you think of a sexy man, what comes to mind? Is it a man in a fitted suit? A rugged outdoorsy type in a plaid shirt and jeans? Or is it something different altogether?
For some, sexy is exuded through personality while for others it can be a combination of appearance and personality.
It’s always good to understand the type of man you’re attracted to and what sexy means to you, especially if your type is the “bad boy.” And, we all know what that looks like!
So, what does sexy mean to you? How do you define it? Let me know in the comments below!
Till Next Time,
Dear Dee’s Dating Diary,
I met this great man and we immediately hit it off. We talked for almost an hour before exchanging numbers. During that conversation he mentioned that he had been divorced for years and didn’t want to get married again, but I was okay with that because I’m not sure that I really want to get married either. I just know I want a great life companion.
Cut to 2 days later. He calls me and we talk for a couple of minutes before he says, “Well, I just wanted to say hello and see how you were doing while I was driving home from work… You know, since I can’t text and drive.”
This gave me a funny feeling because it felt like he was implying that he couldn’t talk once he got home, which then made me think that he had a girlfriend at home. So, I mustered up the courage and asked, “are you single??” My heart sank when he said, “No, but I’m not married so technically I am single.”
Then he said, “I wanted to be upfront and honest with you about that because you seem like a good person.” Disgusted, I ended the conversation saying thanks for being honest, but I have to go. Just when I think I’ve met a great man, he turns out to have a girlfriend! It’s very frustrating! So, my question to you Dee is:
Do I really have to ask every man I go out with whether he is single or not? I feel like this guy would have dated me until he got caught if I never asked…
I just want to start by saying I’m sorry that you felt you had a great connection with a man who turned out to be in a relationship. You definitely shouldn’t beat yourself up over this.
While he should have been honest about the fact that he had a girlfriend, as a single woman it’s not a bad idea to ask the men you go out with if they’re single or not. Although some men will still lie in order to cheat on their girlfriends, not asking may produce more situations like these.
Trust Your Gut Instincts
Now, if you’re a great judge of character and can easily spot inconsistencies that quickly let you know a man is dating another woman, you may not need to ask this question (and that does seem to be the case with you since you sniffed this guy out pretty quickly).
I think the most important thing to take away from this situation is that you should always trust your gut instincts. Here, your gut said something wasn’t right because a man should want to talk to you in his home, not rush you off the phone before he gets there.
This feeling of something being off is what you always want to pay attention to because ignoring it can easily lead to you getting your heart broken. So, while you may encounter some dishonesty on your quest to finding real love, don’t make it any easier for men to deceive you by avoiding questions you feel inclined to ask.
Was He REALLY A Great Man?
Also, you call this guy a “great man,” but how is he great? Just because you felt like you “clicked” with him doesn’t negate the fact that this is a deceptive person. For all you know, he was putting on an act from the moment you met him in order to win you over and cheat on his girlfriend.
Don’t make yourself feel worse about this situation by wrongly classifying this man as a great person you connected with.
All in all, you did the right thing. By paying attention to your gut, identifying a serious red flag, and addressing it immediately, you ultimately prevented yourself from falling head over heels for a cheating philanderer.
Always trust your gut instincts because they’ll never lead you in the wrong direction!