Too Much Information Too Soon
Too Much Information Too Soon (“TMITS”) can quickly kill a potential relationship or budding romance! It’s actually a red flag for some people.
TMITS can easily scare a man off! Have you ever been standing in line somewhere and the person next to you tells you their whole life story?
Well, did you all of sudden feel really close and connected to that person, or did you feel weirded out and anxious for the line to speed up so you could get out of there?
Of course, in these situations you feel more uncomfortable than closer to a person. And, that’s what it’s like with dating too!
If you tell a man too much information too soon before he gets a chance to enjoy your fun, light-hearted side, you can freak him out and make him weary of getting closer to you and your readily apparent issues!
Courtship Is A Process
Courtship and dating is really a process. You can’t rush the process by sharing too much information too soon in an effort to force a deeper connection than there really is.
You have to let things happen naturally and in its own time. Trying to speed up the process and rush a relationship really isn’t wise.
When someone gets to know you, it’s supposed to happen over time, not overnight.
When you first meet and start dating a man, it shouldn’t be about sharing all your hardships or trials and tribulations. It’s supposed to be about seeing if you can enjoy your time with this person and get along well.
Never have a negative dish session about yourself and don’t give too much information on dates 1-5, at least.
Leave the deeper and more touchy subjects for when you’ve at least been on several dates. Dates one through five need to be all about enjoying each other’s company and learning those superficial things first, for instance, siblings, hobbies, likes, etc.
Conversations You Shouldn’t Have On Dates 1-5
1. Insecurities/Self-Esteem Issues
2. Past Relationships
4. Death of Loved Ones
7. Things You Hate/Despise (You don’t want to come off as Negative-Nancy! No one likes a downer!)
8. Other serious or uncomfortable topics
Keep It Light
Stick to light-hearted topics on the first few dates.
If someone gives you all of themselves right there on the first dates, it’s A LOT to swallow and you may make some bad judgment calls about the person and whether a relationship would work. And, this is because they’ve given you too much to get past.
You may perceive them as having more negative characteristics or traits than you would want your partner to have, but because the person gave you too much information too soon, it disillusioned you about this person as a whole.
Someone can have a normal amount faults, but because they wore them on their sleeves, they gave off the impression that they were all flaws and nothing more.
Let Him Start Liking You
You should let a man get to know your great, positive side and like that about you before you start telling him all the negative things about yourself.
No person or relationship is perfect, but it’s seeing the good in someone and loving them for who they are that allows you to look past certain flaws.
You have to let a person start liking you before you get into some touchy or negative areas about yourself. People are more likely to overlook and accept flaws once they like someone.
However, very few people will overlook flaws in someone they barely know. Instead, they’d rather find someone who they think doesn’t have many problems, if any. But, remember, many people are good about revealing things slowly over time, men certainly are! So, why lose out to someone else who is better at taking things slowly?
Don’t ex yourself out of the game!!
The benefit of revealing information about yourself slowly is that these things won’t likely be a deal breaker down the line since the person will have grown fond of you.
Exception to the Rule
Now, there are some situations when sharing too much information too soon won’t actually scare a man off, but this doesn’t mean that you should continue to share TMITS.
There’s a small, special breed of men that like women with issues or problems. This is because this man wants to take the woman under his wing, dominate her, fix her up, and make her into the woman he wants for himself.
These are the so-called “Svengali” types. With this kind of man, too much too soon might get you more attention than you thought.
However, it’s not positive attention. This man will never cherish you for who you are. Instead, he will constantly criticize you and tell you all the different things you need to change about yourself.
He doesn’t actually want YOU, he wants to mold you into a different person he will be happy with. And, in turn, you will never be happy in this relationship.
You Won’t Be Happy With A Svengali
Ya, sure, maybe in the beginning you’ll love all the extra attention and the clothes he buys for your new wardrobe, which fits the image he wants, of course.
But, after awhile of someone beating you down about who you are and trying to change everything about you, you’ll more so resent the man rather than feeling genuine love for him.
Eventually, you’ll fall out of love or fail to fall in love in the first place.
Even if you do allow a man to get to know you slowly over time, you still need to avoid a man who wants to “fix you up” and change everything about you.
You deserve a man that will appreciate and love you for the person that you are! If a man can’t, then he’s just not deserving of you!
Be Kind To Yourself And Others Will Too
If you’re kind to yourself, others will treat you the same. There’s always an exception to every rule, but for the most part, if you treat yourself with respect you’ll see that less people will disrespect you.
Treating yourself well and being kind to yourself also means not letting anyone else treat you poorly. Set standards for yourself and don’t change yourself into a different woman for a man, if it’s not change for the good.
I have to make a distinction between unnecessary changes a Svengali type would want you to make and necessary positive changes that promote a healthy relationship and a healthy you!
For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.
Till Next Time,
This is the one of the main problems with online dating. Back when, you knew someone “in the neighborhood” or became friends with a man via work or school or other social venues. You already knew important things about each other (single status, family structure, etc.) BEFORE you ever went on an official date… the reason you went on the date is because you knew him/knew about him and liked him. But online dating precludes this… you’re trying to fast-track getting to know a stranger. What are you supposed to talk about? Pizza, sports, kittens? Obviously you want to know more important things about each other before investing the time to continue, so conversations naturally drift to topics like divorce and parenting issues, etc. It’s really difficult to feel comfortable with a stranger until you know more of this stuff.
Well, in terms of “knowing” co-workers, I’ve been in an office where no one knew that one of our co-workers was married with kids. So, I think that knowing a lot about someone before a date isn’t always possible.
Majority of the time, people don’t feel 100% comfortable on a date until they spend more time together and start making a connection. Maybe with technology making it so easy to have insight into everyone’s every day life, it makes us feel like we should know much more about people that aren’t even in our lives.
There’s plenty of things you can talk about before diving into the marriage and kids conversation. You could talk about family, hobbies, goals/aspirations, etc. I know this stuff is superficial, but you have to learn the superficial stuff too, so why reverse it and learn the deep things before you learn the basics?
Many people want to fast-track dating and getting to know each other, but you can’t fast-track this process. Dating and courtship is a process, not a race. Expediting parts of this process, won’t necessarily get you the results you want.
Even online, speaking with someone shouldn’t be a stressful interview about marriage, kids, past relationships and so forth because you may end up losing out by writing someone off based on things about them that could change. For example, if you ask a man if he wants kids and he says no, you may stop talking to him right there and then.
However, if you asked this question some weeks into dating each other, he may have responded that he would consider it because he feels something for you and might be able to see himself having a family with you.
It’s like the men that say they don’t want to get married, but then turn around and marry another woman. It’s not that they didn’t want to get married ever, they just hadn’t found the woman that made them feel that way. So, while I definitely understand not wanting to waste time in dating as we get older, we still can’t circumvent some parts of the dating process.
You brought up a very important point here because online dating definitely poses a new problem in dating. So, I really appreciate your insight and comments! Sorry for the lengthy response, but I had so much I wanted to share 🙂 . I hope my post and response gives you the courage to go on more dates without having to first know whether the man wants to get married and have kids.
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Haha, well I am done with kids and am ambivalent about marriage. But! I would like to find my last great romance. Yes, I definitely see your point about slowing down and learning about a person from the light to the deep, rather than the opposite. 🙂
I could not agree with this post more!!! I’m not really a verbal diarreha person…but I’ve dated so many men who are! By the end of the first date I know everything that’s wrong in their life…I guess it’s nice because they obviously feel comfortable with me, but at the same time you just wanna be like “whoa dude! I don’t need to know ALL of your deep darkness just yet.” Great Post Dee
Lol, yes, it’s very intense and awkward when a man puts his whole life on the table. And, you have to wonder whether he does this with every woman he meets… Glad you enjoyed my post J!!
Paula- You will definitely find your great romance!!!
This is such a great post. I know men get scared off by women who tell their life stories, but I feel the same way when a man does the whole let me tell you how much I make, the kind of car I drive, when his last relationship was and how she sucked, etc. I’m like dude, all I asked is where are you from!? Ha ha!
Haha, hilarious!! I know exactly what you mean!! It’s very off-putting and a quick way to get written off!! I’m so happy you liked my post and I hope you come back for some more great content every Saturday evening!
So true! You’d be surprised at how many people do number 1, 2, and 7! Great post, thanks again for stopping by!
Talking about past relationships on first dates is definitely a common problem for both men and women. There’s a time and a place for everything, but conversations about exes on first dates has no place at all!
I’m so glad you came to my blog and read my suggested article! Thanks for taking the time to comment and like my post!