Let’s Talk About Sex…

Posted on April 5, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Sex can be a very taboo topic for some, but it’s one that must be addressed!

Many women consider themselves “free-spirited” and are very comfortable talking about sex. On the other hand, there are women who understand the intimacy of sex and know it’s not something to engage in or speak of lightly.

For the women that are of the belief that sex is “no big deal,” now is the time to rethink your position.

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Stop Talking About Sex On Dates

A lot of women recognize that they shouldn’t sleep with men until they are in an exclusive relationship, but many of these women think that it’s okay to talk about sex on the first few dates with men.

The truth is, most of the time, talking about sex on the first few dates is just as good as having sex on the first few dates.

It’s hard enough to keep men from thinking about just having sex with you, so when you make sex a point of conversation, you automatically trigger that part of the man’s mind that associates you with sex.

So, even if you aren’t having sex with a man, when you talk about it too soon, you may be pushing him towards categorizing you as a woman to just have sex with.

And, once you’re categorized into that sex box, there’s rarely any coming back from that.

Benefits of NOT Talking About Sex

By refraining from having conversations about sex, you force a man to think about you outside of the sexual aspects.

You force the man to actually get to know YOU and see if there could be a potential relationship. And, isn’t this what we want?

You don’t want a man to start thinking of the different ways he can try to sleep with you. Keep his mind out of the gutter and force him to get to know the person in the panties! 🙂

Disclaimer: Even if your conversations about sex are general and don’t actually involve you and him having sex, you still need to steer clear of this conversation topic!

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Sex

Sex is a very intimate act that should only happen between two people that are exclusively dating and trust each other.

Aside from the fact that Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are so prevalent, it’s important that you understand what your relationship with a man is before deciding to have sex.

A lot of times, women blindly jump into having sex with a man. They don’t know where they stand or how the man really feels about them and they don’t know if the man is having sex with other women.

When you have sex with a man without knowing that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship, you become anxious and nervous about where you stand in the man’s life.

How many times have you slept with a man then spent the next days or weeks stressing about whether the man still likes you, or wants to pursue a relationship, or whether he is still sleeping with other women?

Well, you won’t have to have these types of unnerving thoughts if you wait to have sex once you have both decided to be in an exclusive relationship.

And, if a man isn’t sure whether he wants to be in a relationship with you, then he is NOT deserving of your body!!

Why Wait To Have Sex?

There are 3 main reasons why you should wait a significant amount of time before having sex with a man:

1. You need to know where a man’s head is at and what his intentions with you are, is he lusting after you for sex or is he genuinely interested in getting to know you and pursuing a relationship and possibly marriage?

2. You don’t want to get categorized as easy and, therefore, not wife material; and

3. You need to give yourself enough time to evaluate whether this man is right for you!

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Don’t Be the Late Night Creep

If you wait until you are in a committed relationship to have sex, you will also weed out a lot of men that are only chasing after you for sex.

If a man’s interest and attention in you starts to dwindle before you’ve had sex with him, then you know where his interest truly lied and you can feel confident about moving on to other prospects without looking back!

No woman wants to be used for sex or be a man’s “late night creep.”

As much as “liberated” women say they don’t mind having casual relationships with men, when they find out that man is sleeping with other women, they never feel good about it.

Lying to Yourself Never Helps

You can lie to yourself all you want, but you never want the man your having sex with to have sex with other women.

Every woman wants to feel special and know that a man doesn’t want to sleep with any other woman, but when you have sex outside of a committed relationship, you don’t have this security.

When you sleep with a man without knowing what your relationship is, you essentially forfeit your right to say that you should be the only one he is sleeping with.

I actually had a woman tell me that she only wanted a casual relationship with a guy she was dating, so she was honest with him that she was dating other men. When he happily responded that it was cool and he would see other people too, she didn’t feel good about that.

You can only fool yourself for so long! You really don’t want the man you’re dating to sleep with other women.

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Don’t Get Labeled As “Just Sex”

If you have sex with a man too soon, he will label you as “just sex” and there won’t be a potential for a relationship. Once you’re labeled as just a person to just have sex with, there really is no possibility of being considered relationship material by that man.

The woman a man wants to be in a relationship with does not easily give up her body. And, if you give up your body easily for him, he will think you do it for every man.

Even if you felt a crazy deep connection with a man and thought the feelings were mutual, if you sleep with him too soon, he’ll still think that’s how you are with every other man.

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But He Says He Doesn’t Judge

If a man tells you that he won’t judge you for sleeping with him early on, DON’T believe it! A lot of times, men will tell you what you need to hear to drop your panties. He doesn’t actually believe what he is selling you.

When you jump right into sex, you essentially tell a man you are okay having sex with him and not being in a committed relationship.

When you do this, a man won’t be any more motivated to get in an exclusive relationship with you because he already has the best of both worlds.

He gets to sleep with you and probably get treated like a boyfriend without ever having to commit to you AND he still gets to sleep with other women! A win win situation for him and a big lose for you!

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Do You Know If He’s Right For You?

You definitely shouldn’t be having sex with a man that you don’t know well.

If you’re interested in being in a relationship and you have sex with a man too soon, you wouldn’t know whether this is the type of man you would want to be in a relationship with and you may regret having sex with him after the fact.

While you may think you know someone based on the superficial things you’ve learned about them, you really don’t start to see who people really are until months into dating.

Don’t shortchange yourself by having sex too soon just to discover that this isn’t the type of man you would want in your life.

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For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee!

Stop Being The Victim!

Posted on March 29, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Ladies, we have to stop being the victim and take control of our dating lives!

Many times I hear women say, “ALL men are dogs” or “ALL men cheat.” But, the truth of the matter is ALL men AREN’T dogs and ALL men DON’T cheat.

Stop Blaming Men

You’re perception of what ALL men are is a by-product of who you have been choosing to date your whole life.

So, if you always pick the bad boy types who break your heart, of course you’ll always think ALL men are dogs, but that’s not actually the case. ALL the men YOU date are dogs!

Instead of thinking that all men are dogs that will hurt you, you need to be thinking that you aren’t going to let anymore dogs get close enough to hurt you.

Its about taking your power back and knowing that your circumstances and the outcomes of your relationships are largely due to the men you choose to date and let into your heart.

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Take Responsibility For Your Choices

We can’t blame all our problems in relationships on men. We have to take ownership of our part, which is getting into a relationship with a man we’d be unhappy with.

It’s time to take responsibility for the choices you have made in dating men and in accepting their bad behavior. Once you take responsibility for your part in the heartache, you can actually take steps towards changing how and who you pick to spend your time with and, ultimately, give your heart to.

You choose who you date, it should never be the other way around. A man shouldn’t be able to decide by himself that you are both in a relationship together.

Two people make the decision to enter a relationship, so, take ownership of your choices. If you continue to choose the same kind of man to date, you can’t expect different results in your relationships. Therefore, man bashing is definitely not the answer!

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Red Flags

Red flags are called red flags for a reason, they alert you that there is a problem, that something is not right. A red flag let’s you know that there is more going on than a man is willing to tell you.

Red flags are precious gifts to women! These are your signs that tell you whether this man is right for you. Red flags tell you more about someone and it’s your job to determine if that person deserves a place in your life.

You need to be able to spot red flags and make note of them because once a man has shown significant red flags, you have to evaluate whether continuing to date this person will make you happy.

When you learn to spot and access red flags, you’ll see that you’ll cut out a lot of unnecessary relationships that would have only caused you grief and heartache.

While you can continue to date men obliviously, you’d only be hurting yourself.

If you choose to ignore red flags and date any and every man freely, when you do get hurt, don’t start convincing yourself that “ALL men are dogs.” You don’t want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let me explain…

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Self-Fullfilling Prophecy

If you tell yourself and your friends that, “all men are dogs,” you’ll actually believe that every single man is a dog and feel that you have to settle down with one of these men that won’t treat you well. This allows you to continue dating dogs and, therefore, continue being hurt by them.

You have to understand the power of your words, telling yourself that all men are dogs will ultimately limit the amount of effort you put into finding a good man.

In fact, you won’t put any effort into finding a good man because in your eyes, he doesn’t exist. And, before you know it, you’ve settled for a man that doesn’t treat you with respect.

Don’t inadvertently let your dating goal be an unhappy marriage!

Start being more positive about dating and only speak positively! You’ll be amazed at how a little positivity can make you feel a whole world better about dating.

Victim Mentality

We are not victims!

The victim mentality is thinking that you have no control over getting hurt. Granted, we can’t control all hurt, but we can eliminate unnecessary heartache.

Remember, men only do to us what we allow them to. So, if men keep hurting you, then you need to do some serious introspection and figure out why you keep dating men that hurt you.

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Save Yourself For a Good Man

Just because you haven’t found a “good man” to date, doesn’t mean you should settle and get into a relationship with any man that’s willing to!

Until that next great relationship comes along, try to work on yourself and keep dating!!!

Save yourself for a good man. You’ll be happy you did!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

One Thing That Kills A Potential Relationship is…

Posted on March 22, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Too Much Information Too Soon

Too Much Information Too Soon (“TMITS”) can quickly kill a potential relationship or budding romance! It’s actually a red flag for some people.

TMITS can easily scare a man off! Have you ever been standing in line somewhere and the person next to you tells you their whole life story?

Well, did you all of sudden feel really close and connected to that person, or did you feel weirded out and anxious for the line to speed up so you could get out of there?

Of course, in these situations you feel more uncomfortable than closer to a person. And, that’s what it’s like with dating too!

If you tell a man too much information too soon before he gets a chance to enjoy your fun, light-hearted side, you can freak him out and make him weary of getting closer to you and your readily apparent issues!

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Courtship Is A Process

Courtship and dating is really a process. You can’t rush the process by sharing too much information too soon in an effort to force a deeper connection than there really is.

You have to let things happen naturally and in its own time. Trying to speed up the process and rush a relationship really isn’t wise.

When someone gets to know you, it’s supposed to happen over time, not overnight.

When you first meet and start dating a man, it shouldn’t be about sharing all your hardships or trials and tribulations. It’s supposed to be about seeing if you can enjoy your time with this person and get along well.

Never have a negative dish session about yourself and don’t give too much information on dates 1-5, at least.

Leave the deeper and more touchy subjects for when you’ve at least been on several dates. Dates one through five need to be all about enjoying each other’s company and learning those superficial things first, for instance, siblings, hobbies, likes, etc.

Conversations You Shouldn’t Have On Dates 1-5

1. Insecurities/Self-Esteem Issues

2. Past Relationships

3. Marriage

4. Death of Loved Ones

5. Religion

6. Politics

7. Things You Hate/Despise (You don’t want to come off as Negative-Nancy! No one likes a downer!)

8. Other serious or uncomfortable topics

Keep It Light

Stick to light-hearted topics on the first few dates.

If someone gives you all of themselves right there on the first dates, it’s A LOT to swallow and you may make some bad judgment calls about the person and whether a relationship would work. And, this is because they’ve given you too much to get past.

You may perceive them as having more negative characteristics or traits than you would want your partner to have, but because the person gave you too much information too soon, it disillusioned you about this person as a whole.

Someone can have a normal amount faults, but because they wore them on their sleeves, they gave off the impression that they were all flaws and nothing more.

Let Him Start Liking You

You should let a man get to know your great, positive side and like that about you before you start telling him all the negative things about yourself.

No person or relationship is perfect, but it’s seeing the good in someone and loving them for who they are that allows you to look past certain flaws.

You have to let a person start liking you before you get into some touchy or negative areas about yourself. People are more likely to overlook and accept flaws once they like someone.

However, very few people will overlook flaws in someone they barely know. Instead, they’d rather find someone who they think doesn’t have many problems, if any. But, remember, many people are good about revealing things slowly over time, men certainly are! So, why lose out to someone else who is better at taking things slowly?

Don’t ex yourself out of the game!!

The benefit of revealing information about yourself slowly is that these things won’t likely be a deal breaker down the line since the person will have grown fond of you.

Exception to the Rule

Now, there are some situations when sharing too much information too soon won’t actually scare a man off, but this doesn’t mean that you should continue to share TMITS.

There’s a small, special breed of men that like women with issues or problems. This is because this man wants to take the woman under his wing, dominate her, fix her up, and make her into the woman he wants for himself.

These are the so-called “Svengali” types. With this kind of man, too much too soon might get you more attention than you thought.

However, it’s not positive attention. This man will never cherish you for who you are. Instead, he will constantly criticize you and tell you all the different things you need to change about yourself.

He doesn’t actually want YOU, he wants to mold you into a different person he will be happy with. And, in turn, you will never be happy in this relationship.

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You Won’t Be Happy With A Svengali

Ya, sure, maybe in the beginning you’ll love all the extra attention and the clothes he buys for your new wardrobe, which fits the image he wants, of course.

But, after awhile of someone beating you down about who you are and trying to change everything about you, you’ll more so resent the man rather than feeling genuine love for him.

Eventually, you’ll fall out of love or fail to fall in love in the first place.

Even if you do allow a man to get to know you slowly over time, you still need to avoid a man who wants to “fix you up” and change everything about you.

You deserve a man that will appreciate and love you for the person that you are! If a man can’t, then he’s just not deserving of you!

Be Kind To Yourself And Others Will Too

If you’re kind to yourself, others will treat you the same. There’s always an exception to every rule, but for the most part, if you treat yourself with respect you’ll see that less people will disrespect you.

Treating yourself well and being kind to yourself also means not letting anyone else treat you poorly. Set standards for yourself and don’t change yourself into a different woman for a man, if it’s not change for the good.

I have to make a distinction between unnecessary changes a Svengali type would want you to make and necessary positive changes that promote a healthy relationship and a healthy you!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

No More Last Minute Dates!

Posted on February 2, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

More and more men seem to think it is okay to ask women out on a date with less than 30 minutes notice!

While I don’t agree with this, obviously there are enough women accepting these last minute dates or hang outs that men now feel comfortable and confident in doing this.

You Don’t KNOW Him

A man shouldn’t feel comfortable inviting himself to your place at the last minute.

Texting, “Hey, I’m in your neighborhood, can I come by” is not cool! Why didn’t he ask you if you wanted to hang out any earlier??

Well, it’s because he never planned on hanging out with you that night in the first place. If a man likes a woman and he actually wants to see her, he will try lock her down for a date long before the night of the date itself.

Truthfully, why on earth should a man that barely knows you feel confident enough to call you at 8pm on a Friday night to see you in an hour? It’s disrespectful in my opinion. I could have other plans or just be enjoying a night to myself.

If a man is calling or texting you at night to see you that night, this should be a huge red flag to you!!

Disclaimer: This definitely doesn’t apply once you’ve been dating for awhile or are exclusive with each other. This only applies to the beginning stages of dating.

Time to Primp & Pamper

Why aren’t you worth him putting some forethought into asking you out? Why don’t you deserve the respect of having, at a minimum, 24 hours notice before a date?

You deserve to have time to take a shower, make your hair look fabulous, pick the perfect outfit, and do your make up flawlessly! Every woman should be able to primp and pamper herself to the extent that she likes before any date.

You deserve a man that wants to plan out a date more than just a few hours in advance. Of course, once you’ve been on several dates spontaneity will be a great thing!

But, first, he has to show you that he does have respect for you in every sense of the word. And this includes, understanding that your personal free time is precious and that other people want it too.

Respect

Remember, your time is valuable regardless of whether you are spending it watching Housewives, hiking up a mountain, or simply blogging. And, he needs to know that as well.

A man will respect you more if you set boundaries for yourself. If you act like you can be walked all over and used like a rag doll, you will be. Show a man that he needs to treat you with respect if you aren’t getting it from the start.

If a man calls or texts you at the last minute and actually gets to see you, he will think you are easy and definitely won’t put any more effort into getting to know you, let alone give you much more notice for future dates.

He surely won’t respect you.

Last Minute = Last Choice

Most of the time, if a man is trying to see you at the last minute, you were his last option.

I know every woman in this world wants a man that looks at her like his first, most preferable option. No woman wants to be a man’s back up or last resort!

If you can’t be honest enough with yourself to admit that, then you definitely are not ready to change those things that may be holding you back in your dating life.

Yesterday, I had a male guest on my podcast and when we discussed last minute dates, he said something that really resonated with me. He said, “Last minute equals last choice!” This is straight from the horses mouth ladies!

Don’t Answer Your Phone on Friday and Saturday Nights

Obviously, if you’re getting a call or text on Friday or Saturday night you weren’t nearly at the top of a man’s mind.

If you just recently met, a man doesn’t actually KNOW you and should think you are busy having fun with friends or whoever on your weekend.

Even if you aren’t out with friends or on dates, maybe you’re busy with hobbies, elevating your career, blogging, or podcasting!

Either way, don’t answer his call or respond to his text. Why? Because you’re out living your life, hanging out with your friends, or just enjoying your “me time.”

By doing this and not accepting last minute dates, you will let him know that if he wants to see you he will actually have to ask to see you in advance.

No one wants to be that girl that all the guys know will answer her phone at 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night.

Return His Call or Text Later

Please don’t think I’m asking you to ignore a man’s communication altogether, I’m not saying that.

You can return his call or text hours later or the next morning and let him know you were out or busy. Keep it vague, you barely know this guy and he doesn’t need to know your every last movement despite your yearning to tell him.

For those who may see this as lying or being dishonest, I think you should really be looking at it more as holding yourself back and not giving yourself wholly and completely to someone upfront. Take time to let someone get to know you.

The Rules Book

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, authors of The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing The Heart of Mr. Right, say that you should never accept a date for Friday or Saturday night after Wednesday.

I like this rule, but, I tweaked it. I believe that you can accept a weekend date if you’re asked by Thursday, but it depends on how much genuine interest the man has shown.

If you feel like he’s a good guy and is showing real interest in you, you can accept a weekend date if he asks on Thursday.

However, if you’re already getting the feeling that this guy might be a player or he’s “running game on you,” don’t make exceptions to this rule.

How It Works

Most of the time, by the second or third time you turn a man down for a last minute date, he will start asking you out in advance!

For the men that don’t… Well, they weren’t interested in anything serious in the first place and were just looking for some easy play.

And to these men, wish them adieu because that’s not what you’re looking for and they were never going to give you the respect you deserved anyway!

You Want More?

To hear the full discussion on this topic and hear the male perspective for yourself, check out my podcast! It’s Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee