Dating Down

Posted on May 31, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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In this day and age, it’s quite unfortunate that you see so many women “dating down.”

But, what is dating down, you ask?

Dating down is when you date men that aren’t good for you or worthy of you.

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Common Types of “Dating Down”

If you’re dating a man that doesn’t respect and cherish you and the value that you bring to the relationship, and instead, puts you down, cheats on you, abuses you or controls your every movement, then you’re dating down.

Do you have to fight for attention? Ask your man to call you? Or remind him that you exist?? You’re dating down.

Are you an ambitious, driven, well-educated woman dating a man who isn’t ambitious or driven to, for example, learn a trade/skill, pursue entrepreneurial endeavors, or pursue a higher education? Well, you’re dating down.

Are you supporting a man that isn’t self sufficient? Whether he’s “borrowing” your money or your car, face it, you’re dating down!

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Problems With Dating Down

When you date down, you open yourself up to significant problems that you shouldn’t have to deal with.

These relationships negatively affect your self-esteem. You’ll probably start to think that this is what you deserve. That you’ll never find better.

You’ll eventually downplay your self-worth and, consequently, your self-confidence will dwindle as well.

When you’re treated poorly or stay in the wrong relationship, you’ll get desensitized to those things that you shouldn’t have to accept.

The chances of your next relationship being healthier or better is slim because you’ve gotten used to accepting less than what you need and deserve from a relationship. This easily turns into a cycle.

You may even falsely believe that it’s better to have this man than no man at all.

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Ready For Change?

Dating down can lead you to resenting the man you’re dating because he’s not who you want him to be. But, truthfully, you can only blame yourself for choosing to date a man that wasn’t right for you in the first place.

If you’ve been dating down, you owe it to yourself to let that relationship go in order to attract a man who actually deserves you. A man who appreciates your worth, a man you don’t have to financially support, a man who has ambition.

Give yourself a chance to attract a man that is on your level. Someone who is self sufficient and can pay his own bills and maintain his own car.

You’ll never have a better relationship as long as you stay in the wrong one. So free yourself now, as hard as it may be, so that you can have true happiness in the future.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Dating With Daddy Issues

Posted on May 24, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There are some women who have a preference for dating older men while other women just “happen” into these relationships.

Majority of the time, women date older men that remind them of their fathers or who fulfill some fatherly role for them.

Although this happens more so with women who grew up without a father in their life, even women who did have a father growing up find themselves looking to an older man for certain qualities or support that a father would provide.

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Dating Older Men

The truth is, you shouldn’t be dating a man because he provides you with something you’re father never did or used to when he was alive.

Dating an older man can be tricky because sometimes you’ll find that older men play just as many games with your heart as younger men, except they’re much better at the game than any youngster out there!

Older men understand women much more and can easily use that to manipulate a younger woman’s mind and emotions.

You definitely need to understand whether your feelings for an older man are genuine or a by-product of missing or craving some fatherly like fulfillment in your life.

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“Aging Out”

When you date an older man you always have to worry about whether you’re going to “age out” of the relationship.

Meaning, you’ll constantly be stressing about whether you’re getting too old for your older man.He may just have a thing for younger women.

He may like the ease that comes with dating a younger, more naive person.

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Relationship Awareness

Just be cognizant of the reasons you and your older man want a relationship with each other.

Make sure it’s coming from a healthy place on BOTH sides!

Deal with your daddy issues and make sure you aren’t replacing your father with your boyfriend.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

He Can’t Complete You!

Posted on May 17, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Many women feel they need a man to “complete” them. They’ll say a man is their “better half” or “he completes me.”

But, the truth is, a man can’t complete you. Only you can complete you! Two halves won’t actually make a whole, so you need to feel whole with or without a man.

It’s unfair to yourself to base your completeness and happiness on whether you’re in a relationship.

And, if you do, you’ll be miserable when you’re single and possibly desperate for any man who will show you attention.

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What’s The Root of the Issue?

To say that a man completes you, is to say that you have some void in your life without a man.

You have to be complete on your own before entering a relationship or this could cause other serious issues with your boyfriend.

Ultimately, dependency issues may be at the root of needing a man to “complete” you. Are you clingy or needy in your relationships?

You may find yourself not wanting to do any activities without your boyfriend. Or, maybe you don’t want him to do any activities without you.

Either way, falling victim to this “he completes me” mentality may lead you to becoming unhealthily dependent on your boyfriend and relationship.

It’s time to start evaluating yourself. You need to figure out why you think you need a man to complete you.

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Self-Actualization

If you say that a man completes you, then you’re incomplete when he’s gone. What are you when your “better half” leaves?

Why aren’t you a complete person without a man?

Honestly think about these questions so that you can help yourself come to terms with the fact that you’re an amazing woman who doesn’t need any person to complete you!

You are and always will be a whole person. You were born as a complete woman and to allow yourself to think otherwise is absurd.

A man is meant to complement who you are, NOT complete you! Remember that!!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Choose Your Battles Wisely!

Posted on May 10, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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I know we’ve all heard the saying, “Choose your battles wisely.” But, for many women their understanding of this statement is superficial.

There are very specific reasons why you have to choose your battles wisely.

For one, if someone feels like you’re always “nagging” them, they’ll get tired of it really quickly.

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The Urge To Push

Many times when women feel like there’s a problem with something their boyfriend is or isn’t doing, they will tell him about it and push him for change, over and over again.

The problem is, one day you’ll encounter a serious problem in your relationship and when you address it, he may be so tired of constantly being told about your problems with him that he won’t genuinely hear what you’re saying, whether it’s valid or not.

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Effect of Constantly “Nagging”

Even if he does hear you out, even if you’re problem is legitimate, he may be so fed up with all the “issues” you have that he won’t be motivated to change anything else. He may think that no amount of change will be enough for you.

Now, it’s not that a man doesn’t want to know about serious issues that you’re having with him, but the truth is, when you’ve brought up too many petty, unimportant issues it’s very difficult to be taken seriously.

While communication is key in any relationship, if you choose to focus on small things that you possibly should be learning to live with, you actually weaken your voice and hurt your chance of being listened to.

If you want to choose your battles wisely, start by evaluating whether your issue is really an issue. If it’s really not a big deal, let it go. If it is a big deal or even a deal breaker, definitely address it!

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Focus On One Issue

Often times when women are addressing an issue with their boyfriend, they bring up so many other issues at the same time, that it becomes extremely difficult for their boyfriend to understand “the point” and focus on the most important issue.

If you bring up multiple issues in one discussion, your boyfriend may heavily focus on the wrong issue and upset you even more by not “getting it.”

But, this isn’t necessarily his fault. When we tie in several different problems into one discussion, it can make it much harder to logically follow what the problem is.

You actually make it more difficult to solve any one problem when you bring up other unrelated issues.

Therefore, to get the best results, you can only address one issue at a time. But, you have to fight the urge to bring up another issue immediately after one is resolved.

Although you may have smoothly resolved one issue, going through more than one issue in a day isn’t wise.

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Positive Reinforcement

After you’ve resolved an issue with your boyfriend, thank him for listening to you. Thank him for opening up and honestly discussing his feelings.

Whether you think this is necessary or not, a small display of gratitude can go a long way.

Thanking your boyfriend for having an open, honest, productive conversation is positive reinforcement for him to do it again in the future.

You punish bad behavior, so you definitely need to reward good behavior. You should always show your boyfriend appreciation for his positive behavior.

Conclusion

Remember, if you’re always bringing up petty issues with your boyfriend, most likely, when you encounter a serious problem and bring it up, you’ll be tuned out and he may feel that you’ll always have some type of problem with him.

So, choose your battles wisely by only addressing important issues and focus on just one problem at a time.

You’ll find that it’s much easier to communicate and reach a happy resolution that way.

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Your Self-Confidence Can’t Depend on Him!!

Posted on May 3, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Unfortunately, many women who are hurt by men start feeling like they aren’t as pretty or smart as they really are.

Why is it that women tend to base their self-esteem and self-confidence on how men treat them or feel about them?

The hardships women face in dealing with men, frequently force women to rethink the way they feel about themselves and this isn’t right!!

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Dating Problems Are Just That

The problems you experience in dating are just that, dating problems and nothing more. These problems shouldn’t determine how you feel about yourself and your beauty!

When men have problems in their relationships, do you think they start questioning their self-worth?

Or do you think they take those problems for what they are and not let them turn into other self-esteem issues?

When you have problems in your dating life, you definitely need to do some deep thinking about what went wrong and how you may have contributed to those problems.

But, the last thing you need to start thinking is, “Am I not pretty enough? Skinny enough? Entertaining enough?”

You can’t let a man make you feel badly about those fundamental things about yourself. You felt beautiful when you first started dating him, right? So, why should you not feel beautiful when you stop dating him?

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His Games Shouldn’t Affect Your Self-Worth

Just because a man has chosen to play games with your heart or lead you on, doesn’t mean that you aren’t a great woman! A man’s issues shouldn’t lead you to have more issues of your own.

Take responsibility for the problems you caused or enabled in your relationships, but NEVER EVER think that you are any less of the smart, beautiful, caring woman that you were when he met you.

Your self-confidence should never be a reflection of how men feel about you!

Even if he cheats on you, you can’t start convincing yourself that you aren’t pretty.

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Maintain Your Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is just that, SELF–esteem. It’s YOU that determines it, not a man and certainly not the world.

You have to know your worth and maintain your self-confidence no matter what you go through with men.

Now, I know it’s much easier to say don’t let men’s bad behavior affect your self-esteem than actually living it.

But, the truth is, you’re giving men way too much control over your emotional well-being and self-esteem by letting them dictate your level of self-confidence.

No matter what you go through in this world, know your worth and NEVER FORGET IT!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee!

Stop Treating Your Boyfriend Like Your Husband!

Posted on April 19, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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There’s a huge problem in dating that needs to be addressed. From the moment a relationship becomes exclusive, or even before this point, many women treat their boyfriends like they are their husbands.

Most of the time, you will see women do for their boyfriends what a wife does for her husband and this is not okay.

Unless there is a ring on your finger, you should never treat your boyfriend as if he is your husband!

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Playing Wife Is A Temporary Comfort

While “playing house” and “playing wife” may make you feel happier about your relationship because you exhibit that close, committed relationship held by a husband and wife, you don’t have the comfort and security that a marriage provides.

While you’re doing so much for your boyfriend to the point that you resemble the role his wife would take on, you’ll be disappointed to learn how easily and quickly a man can leave the relationship without batting an eye.

And, after the relationship ends, will you not sit there thinking, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done all that for him!” Or, “I cant believe he left me after everything I’ve done and given up for him!”

While these are legitimate questions, the real questions you need to ask yourself are, “Why did I treat this man like my husband?” “Why did I do so much for a man that wasn’t married to me?”

Instead of being the devoted wife in your next relationship, just be the girlfriend. And, know that this route will get you a ring quicker than if you act like there’s already a ring on your finger.

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The Benefits of Marriage Don’t Apply to Relationships

The root of some of your problems in dating may be the fact that you are going above and beyond the call of duty of a girlfriend.

The truth is, if a man wants ALL of you and wants you to do more than a girlfriend does for her boyfriend, then he needs to put a ring on it.

While many men will propose to women who treated them like husbands from day one, it will take you a lot longer to get a ring out of a man if you’re giving him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the accompanying obligations and commitments.

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Why Marry The Woman When You Can Get The Wife For Free?

Do you remember that old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Well, it’s true! This applies to dating and not just sex. What will inspire or encourage a man to marry you if he already has all the perks of marriage without any of it’s other obligations or “hassles?”

If a man wants more than plain old boyfriend treatment, he’s going to have to earn it and he needs to ask you to be his wife!

Think about it though, how are you going to feel if you treat your beau like he’s your husband and he breaks up with you or leaves you for another woman? Will you not regret doing too much for him?

Don’t get caught up doing a lot more in a relationship than you should! At the end of the day, the only person who ever regrets doing this is the woman, not the man!

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What Is Treating Your Boyfriend Like A Husband?

Well, there are many things that women do that reflects the role of a wife.

But, to give you an idea, it can include anything from playing house and regularly cleaning his place or doing his laundry to passing up great opportunities for the relationship.

The most significant aspect I’ve noticed women catering to men as husbands would be in their careers. For example, you could get a great job offer in another state, but choose to pass up on the opportunity to stay with your boyfriend.

I’ve seen too many women pass up on great career or business opportunities for men that had no intention of marrying them, let alone being together long-term.

As women, we can’t make decisions based on our boyfriend being in our lives and, if we do, it can really hold us back.

When it’s all said and done, no woman looks back and says, “You know, I’m glad I passed up that opportunity for him!” So, if you’re not married, you need to make decisions with only your own best interest at heart.

If a man is going to make a career or business decision, he does it, and without thinking, “Oh, I wonder if my girlfriend will be okay with this.” No, men do what they know is best for themselves and it’s time that women did the same!

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Until You’re Engaged, His Opinion Doesn’t Matter

If he’s not your husband, your opinion is the only one that matters.

I say this because 2-3 years down the line when you’re not with him, you too will think his opinion doesn’t matter. If he’s not going to be a part of your life permanently, then why would you make decisions based on him? Especially decisions that will have a lasting effect on your life.

If your boyfriend wants you to consider him when you’re making big decisions about your life, he needs to show you that he will always be a part of that life. And, he does this by asking you to marry him!

Remember to slow down and let the dating process and courtship happen naturally. Don’t force a more committed element in your relationship by playing wife. If he doesn’t want to play husband, you definitely shouldn’t play wife!

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Posted on April 5, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

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Sex can be a very taboo topic for some, but it’s one that must be addressed!

Many women consider themselves “free-spirited” and are very comfortable talking about sex. On the other hand, there are women who understand the intimacy of sex and know it’s not something to engage in or speak of lightly.

For the women that are of the belief that sex is “no big deal,” now is the time to rethink your position.

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Stop Talking About Sex On Dates

A lot of women recognize that they shouldn’t sleep with men until they are in an exclusive relationship, but many of these women think that it’s okay to talk about sex on the first few dates with men.

The truth is, most of the time, talking about sex on the first few dates is just as good as having sex on the first few dates.

It’s hard enough to keep men from thinking about just having sex with you, so when you make sex a point of conversation, you automatically trigger that part of the man’s mind that associates you with sex.

So, even if you aren’t having sex with a man, when you talk about it too soon, you may be pushing him towards categorizing you as a woman to just have sex with.

And, once you’re categorized into that sex box, there’s rarely any coming back from that.

Benefits of NOT Talking About Sex

By refraining from having conversations about sex, you force a man to think about you outside of the sexual aspects.

You force the man to actually get to know YOU and see if there could be a potential relationship. And, isn’t this what we want?

You don’t want a man to start thinking of the different ways he can try to sleep with you. Keep his mind out of the gutter and force him to get to know the person in the panties! 🙂

Disclaimer: Even if your conversations about sex are general and don’t actually involve you and him having sex, you still need to steer clear of this conversation topic!

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Sex

Sex is a very intimate act that should only happen between two people that are exclusively dating and trust each other.

Aside from the fact that Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are so prevalent, it’s important that you understand what your relationship with a man is before deciding to have sex.

A lot of times, women blindly jump into having sex with a man. They don’t know where they stand or how the man really feels about them and they don’t know if the man is having sex with other women.

When you have sex with a man without knowing that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship, you become anxious and nervous about where you stand in the man’s life.

How many times have you slept with a man then spent the next days or weeks stressing about whether the man still likes you, or wants to pursue a relationship, or whether he is still sleeping with other women?

Well, you won’t have to have these types of unnerving thoughts if you wait to have sex once you have both decided to be in an exclusive relationship.

And, if a man isn’t sure whether he wants to be in a relationship with you, then he is NOT deserving of your body!!

Why Wait To Have Sex?

There are 3 main reasons why you should wait a significant amount of time before having sex with a man:

1. You need to know where a man’s head is at and what his intentions with you are, is he lusting after you for sex or is he genuinely interested in getting to know you and pursuing a relationship and possibly marriage?

2. You don’t want to get categorized as easy and, therefore, not wife material; and

3. You need to give yourself enough time to evaluate whether this man is right for you!

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Don’t Be the Late Night Creep

If you wait until you are in a committed relationship to have sex, you will also weed out a lot of men that are only chasing after you for sex.

If a man’s interest and attention in you starts to dwindle before you’ve had sex with him, then you know where his interest truly lied and you can feel confident about moving on to other prospects without looking back!

No woman wants to be used for sex or be a man’s “late night creep.”

As much as “liberated” women say they don’t mind having casual relationships with men, when they find out that man is sleeping with other women, they never feel good about it.

Lying to Yourself Never Helps

You can lie to yourself all you want, but you never want the man your having sex with to have sex with other women.

Every woman wants to feel special and know that a man doesn’t want to sleep with any other woman, but when you have sex outside of a committed relationship, you don’t have this security.

When you sleep with a man without knowing what your relationship is, you essentially forfeit your right to say that you should be the only one he is sleeping with.

I actually had a woman tell me that she only wanted a casual relationship with a guy she was dating, so she was honest with him that she was dating other men. When he happily responded that it was cool and he would see other people too, she didn’t feel good about that.

You can only fool yourself for so long! You really don’t want the man you’re dating to sleep with other women.

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Don’t Get Labeled As “Just Sex”

If you have sex with a man too soon, he will label you as “just sex” and there won’t be a potential for a relationship. Once you’re labeled as just a person to just have sex with, there really is no possibility of being considered relationship material by that man.

The woman a man wants to be in a relationship with does not easily give up her body. And, if you give up your body easily for him, he will think you do it for every man.

Even if you felt a crazy deep connection with a man and thought the feelings were mutual, if you sleep with him too soon, he’ll still think that’s how you are with every other man.

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But He Says He Doesn’t Judge

If a man tells you that he won’t judge you for sleeping with him early on, DON’T believe it! A lot of times, men will tell you what you need to hear to drop your panties. He doesn’t actually believe what he is selling you.

When you jump right into sex, you essentially tell a man you are okay having sex with him and not being in a committed relationship.

When you do this, a man won’t be any more motivated to get in an exclusive relationship with you because he already has the best of both worlds.

He gets to sleep with you and probably get treated like a boyfriend without ever having to commit to you AND he still gets to sleep with other women! A win win situation for him and a big lose for you!

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Do You Know If He’s Right For You?

You definitely shouldn’t be having sex with a man that you don’t know well.

If you’re interested in being in a relationship and you have sex with a man too soon, you wouldn’t know whether this is the type of man you would want to be in a relationship with and you may regret having sex with him after the fact.

While you may think you know someone based on the superficial things you’ve learned about them, you really don’t start to see who people really are until months into dating.

Don’t shortchange yourself by having sex too soon just to discover that this isn’t the type of man you would want in your life.

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For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee!

Consistency and Dating – the Long Term Relationship Indicator

Posted on March 16, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Consistency in a man provides comfort while inconsistency inspires insecurity, fear, and anxiety over the relationship among other things.

Coach Suzie

What makes relationships last? Why it’s consistency of course … you thought I would say love and affection didn’t you? Well, it’s those things too … along with friendship, respect. trust and attraction. But, I’d like to argue that consistency is the most important thing … it’s consistency in all those things … love, affection, attraction, friendship, respect, trust, etc etc. No one wants to ride a roller coaster ride of ups and downs in their relationship. They want to know that their partner is always there when they need them, especially in the hard times. So why is consistency and dating the long term relationship indicator? Because, well, I’ll tell you.

Choosing Your Partner Wisely

I’ve said many times before that forever has everything to do with your choice of partner, which is absolutely true. You need to choose wisely. Part of choosing wisely is knowing if this…

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Red Flag: Does he pull disappearing acts?

Posted on March 8, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Ladies, how many times have you been dating a guy and while it seems it’s going well because you’re hearing from him everyday or every other day, all of a sudden he disappears and you hear nothing for days or a week?

Well, this is a huge RED FLAG!!!

Consistency is Key!

Listen carefully ladies: Consistency is KEY!! Consistency lets you know that a man is who he is claiming himself to be.

A man’s words must align with his actions!

If a man makes promises that he doesn’t fulfill, or a man says he operates one way, but actually does something else, take this as a sign and red flag that this man is NOT who he claims himself to be.

Write The Script and He’ll Play The Part

Many men play “roles” for women. To be clearer, men play the part they think you want them to play in order to get what they want from you!

Let me explain. Say you meet a man and on the first or second date you let him know that your ex never told you that you are beautiful and he never opened doors for you. What will happen is: The man will start telling you that you’re beautiful and opening doors for you.

Why? Because you’ve let him know the role you wanted him to play. You fed him the lines for his character. Your ex didn’t do so and so, therefore, you want him to do or say these things.

Don’t Give Him A Character To Play

While many women see this kind of information sharing as just a way to share themselves and allow a man to get to know them and their past experiences, some men actually take these conversations as “you need to do this if you want to be with me.”

Don’t tell a man what your ex did that you disliked. Why?? So that you can see how this man will actually treat you on his own without prompting from you!

Stop feeding men the lines and roles that you want them to play and let them SHOW you who they will be with you.

Where Does This Come From?

Early on in my dating life, I picked up on the fact that men would try to mimic (not genuinely) the dating preferences I shared with them. This made me more cognizant of the past relationship experiences that I decided to share with new men I dated.

However, it wasn’t until I read the book, “Play or Be Played,” that I realized that this was all a kind of game. This book has great wisdom for women and you should read it at least twice!!!

And, I wasn’t paid or induced to endorse or promote this book. I just have genuine love for it!

While some of you may say, well isn’t it a good thing if he starts playing that role and doing the things your exes didn’t do?? WRONG!!!!

The Role Is Not A Man’s Genuine Self

In fact, a man will play this role, however, he can’t and won’t play this role forever. Most men will start showing their true colors around the 3 month mark. For some reason men can’t seem to keep an act alive for much longer than a few months.

But, it makes sense because its hard to act like a different person or maintain a facade for an extended period of time. This is why you will see a lot of women with 3 month rules, because they understand that you really see who a person is a few months after you’ve met them.

The 3 Month Rule

Now, the 3 month rule does run you the risk of having a man play that “role” more extensively in order to pass your 3 month test. So, if you decide to use the 3 month rule:

1. Be cautious,

2. Keep your eyes open,

3. Listen carefully, and

4. Don’t prompt a man to do what you want him to do, instead, let him show you who he is!!!

*REMEMBER THIS:*

When a person shows you who they are, believe it! Stop trying to rationalize a man’s erratic or bad behavior, especially if he isn’t even trying to explain or apologize for his actions himself.

Bringing you back to my original point, if you normally hear from the man you are dating every day or every other day, but there are times that he disappears for days or even weeks at a time and you are unable to reach him, take this as a serious red flag and proceed with extreme caution because there may be a whole lot more to the picture that you don’t see!

Regardless of whether you can confirm that a man’s disappearing act is due to him being with other women or not, you have to evaluate whether this man is right for you based on his actions as a whole, based on the big picture.

To clarify, whether or not you know if this man is seeing other women or is just bad with his phone (rare these days) you have to ask yourself, do I want to be with a man that can disappear for days at a time without communicating or responding to my calls or texts??

It’s A Choice, Not First Come First Served

Unfortunately, many women are so eager to have a man and/or get married that they are ready to seriously date or marry any man that comes into the picture.

However, we can’t be this lax! We have to evaluate EVERY man individually to determine whether this is the kind of man that we really want to be with and who is actually good for us!

This is what you need to ask yourself to determine whether to proceed!

Stop taking any man as they come and start taking control of your dating life. If you pull back from men that exhibit serious red flags, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of heartache and months of recuperating!

Oddly enough, many women are happy to be in relationships that they KNOW aren’t going anywhere. But, wait, there is something they don’t realize.

Unnecessary Relationship = Unnecessary Heartache

By being in an unnecessary relationship, women will take on emotional baggage from this relationship and it could become harder to maintain healthy dating habits in the future.

To put it simpler, by being in an unnecessary or bad relationship, you’ll probably have attitude or negative feelings towards the next several men you encounter and, therefore, someone who may have been a great match for you may be put off by your negative attitude or pessimistic conversations that are really just a result of the trials and tribulations from your previous relationship, which you had no business being in!

Just some food for thought! Start paying attention to red flags because when someone shows you who they are, there is no rationalizing you can do to change them.

Be kind to your body and mind, don’t rack your brain trying to make excuses for a man. If you find yourself doing this, it may be time to move on!

If you’ve been a victim of the disappearing act, I want to hear your story or your thoughts! BUT, remember ladies, after the third time of having a man pull the disappearing act on you, you’re no longer a victim. Instead, you’re a willing participant!

Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and it’s shame on me!!

If you have any thoughts on the “disappearing act,” please leave your comments below, I love hearing your perspective!

For more great dating advice, check out my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve

Till Next Time,

Dee

8 Things Guys Secretly Love

Posted on March 6, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

James Michael Sama

Whether a guy is just starting to date a woman or is in a committed relationship with her, there are small things that she may do without thinking twice that guys secretly love.

While there are many, here are eight to start.

Laying your head on his chest.

When laying on the couch watching TV or laying in bed after a long day, it’s one of the best feelings when a woman lays her head down on your chest and puts her arm over you.

As men, we enjoy feeling as though we are being protective, and this signifies that she feels safe in our arms.

When you text him first.

There is a lot of pressure on guys to always initiate conversation. Sometimes he may not know if he’s being too pushy or texting too much – he might overthink it and not text you at all, which could…

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8 Acts Of Chivalry To Bring Back

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Finally, a man concerned about bringing chivalry back!! Support the New Chivalry Movement!!!

James Michael Sama

The more women I talk to, the more I realize that the gentleman is a rare breed. The mission of the New Chivalry Movement is to bring men (and women) together who strive to be the best versions of themselves and love and respect those around them.

As the gentleman has become less prominent, so have the respectful acts that define him.

Here are 8 acts of chivalry we often overlook and should work to bring back.

Giving up your seat.

Whether on a bus or on a crowded subway, giving up your seat to another is a rare but great sign of respect. I always cringe a bit when I see a woman or elderly person forced to stand while young men remain distracted by their phones. It all comes down to being aware of your surroundings and acting accordingly.

Only one in seven men will offer their seat…

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Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Posted on February 16, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

This is a must read post from “Sarah on the Go.” One point in this post that really stuck out to me was, “Maybe when we find ourselves needing to know more, we should just know to move on.”

While I do agree with this, it’s imperative that you make a serious evaluation before deciding to leave your partner without solid or tangible proof of cheating.

What evaluation you ask? Well, before you decide to move on you need to be able to decipher and know the difference between general insecurity or jealousy and significant red flags that a woman should be genuinely concerned about.

If it’s just general insecurity making you want to snoop, then it’s time to do some much needed introspection and attack the real root of your insecurity.

However, if your insecurity stems from your partner’s actions that raise serious red flags, then this may not be a relationship that you should continue.

Check out this post from “Sarah on the Go:” Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Five Can’t-Miss Suggestions to Design the Perfect Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 13, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Check out these great suggestions for Valentine’s Day!!

Emotionally Unavailable? Should You Be Dating?

Posted on February 13, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

This is a great post by the Single Dating Diva! She addressed whether you should still date if you are emotionally unavailable.

I believe that you should still date when you are emotionally unavailable, in fact, I think it’s a great idea to continue dating! This is so that you can take note of any bad habits or negative attitudes you have developed as a result of your traumatic experiences or emotional unavailability.

By knowing and understanding your behavior and where it stems from you can work on changing or downplaying those behaviors in the future.

I think it’s easy to pick up and ingrain negative habits and attitudes as a result of the bad experiences we have gone through. Unfortunately, some of these bad habits will stick with us long after the heartache is gone. So, we definitely have to be cognizant of ourselves in this respect.

Our dates shouldn’t be more aware of our negative behaviors than ourselves. In order to change, in order to be better, we first have to know what the problem is. We have to know what is holding us back.

This is a great post, check out the Single Dating Diva’s Blog for the full post!!

Coach Suzie

There are so many things to consider when you’re meeting someone new. You have to determine if you’re attracted to them, decipher if you have a connection with them, gauge your overall interest in them … but there’s one thing you can’t tell, not right away at least, you can’t tell if they’re emotionally available. This could be related to, but not exactly the same as, baggage. Being emotionally available is being open and ready to enter into a relationship with someone. Emotional availability can help or hinder a prospective relationship. It’s a component of the glue, if you will, that holds things together. How? Well, let me explain.

Emotional Availability – A Definition

I recently came across this article called How to Spot Emotional Unavailability and the author spoke about the ways you can determine whether or not someone is emotionally unavailable and I completely agree and wanted…

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Bloom

Posted on February 9, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Coco J. Ginger Says

In order to bloom the flower, she needed dirt and darkness.

View original post

First Date Tips: Dating Red Flags

Posted on February 9, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Coach Suzie

First-Date-Tips It’s been a crazy few weeks. I’ve not only been super busy with work, there’s my blog, my business and the podcast. Wow, crazy. But, I love every minute of it. You might be wondering how I find time for dating but I do. Actually, I love meeting new people and I’ve gone on a lot of first dates lately. Yes, lots of first dates that didn’t go anywhere else for whatever reason, mostly because we didn’t have a connection and that’s perfectly OK. Others I would have loved to see again but it wasn’t in the cards. That’s perfectly OK too, just because you felt a connection doesn’t mean they did.

People put too much pressure on a first date when really it’s just that first contact to see if you want to proceed to the next level, a “pre-date” if you will. That’s why coffee or a…

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Love doesn’t hurt

Posted on February 8, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

No relationship is perfect and every relationship needs work, but real love does not equal pain and suffering.

The Pink Elephant Room

I’ve been single and dating for about 35 years. I cannot begin to count the number of hours I’ve spent first revisiting each thrilling moment with whomever was my newest love interest and then, soon enough, miserably dissecting the meaning behind his every word and action looking for a clue about how he felt and where our relationship was going.

For me, the first flush of “love” was so heady, a giggle in my tummy, a big, old endorphin rush, brain-soaking-in-chemicals, walking-on-air high. I would be obsessed and infatuated and fully charged. The feeling was deliciously addictive and it was easy to want to fall in “love” with that mysterious, smouldering stranger or smiling sweetie who made me feel soooooo good.

But here’s the trouble with highs and addictions – they have a dark side. The high doesn’t last forever. Eventually I’d crash. I’d hurt. I’d be confused, needy, exposed…

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For Cheaters and Those Who Have Been Betrayed

Posted on February 8, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Affair Resources and Advice

My Blog has a purpose: To help others while helping me deal with me. It’s part of my personal penance. So let me summarize what I’ve said to others before.

If you think in any way I’m excusing affairs. I’m not. Let me be completely frank about affairs: They are 100% WRONG!

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Love

Posted on February 2, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

This post gives hope for women who are wondering if their ex ever looked back and regretted his behavior or actions. This kind of honesty is refreshing!!

The diary of a modern man

Here I am, on a nice sunday, with a beer in my hand , thinking about how my life totally went the opposite way I had imagined it would be.

It’s quite funny, because I was watching “How I met your mother”, it was the time travel episode, and at the end, Ted Mosby pulls the legendary speech to his wife ( the mother ) which was very very touching ( implying indirectly that the mother is dead in the future ).

I got so touched by it, that it made my whole mood down and then I started thinking about my love life and how having no one is the main reason of my sorrow currently.

Love is a wonderful thing. I can assure you that. We were made for this. When you are young, all what you think about is sex. When you start growing up, you still…

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No More Last Minute Dates!

Posted on February 2, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

More and more men seem to think it is okay to ask women out on a date with less than 30 minutes notice!

While I don’t agree with this, obviously there are enough women accepting these last minute dates or hang outs that men now feel comfortable and confident in doing this.

You Don’t KNOW Him

A man shouldn’t feel comfortable inviting himself to your place at the last minute.

Texting, “Hey, I’m in your neighborhood, can I come by” is not cool! Why didn’t he ask you if you wanted to hang out any earlier??

Well, it’s because he never planned on hanging out with you that night in the first place. If a man likes a woman and he actually wants to see her, he will try lock her down for a date long before the night of the date itself.

Truthfully, why on earth should a man that barely knows you feel confident enough to call you at 8pm on a Friday night to see you in an hour? It’s disrespectful in my opinion. I could have other plans or just be enjoying a night to myself.

If a man is calling or texting you at night to see you that night, this should be a huge red flag to you!!

Disclaimer: This definitely doesn’t apply once you’ve been dating for awhile or are exclusive with each other. This only applies to the beginning stages of dating.

Time to Primp & Pamper

Why aren’t you worth him putting some forethought into asking you out? Why don’t you deserve the respect of having, at a minimum, 24 hours notice before a date?

You deserve to have time to take a shower, make your hair look fabulous, pick the perfect outfit, and do your make up flawlessly! Every woman should be able to primp and pamper herself to the extent that she likes before any date.

You deserve a man that wants to plan out a date more than just a few hours in advance. Of course, once you’ve been on several dates spontaneity will be a great thing!

But, first, he has to show you that he does have respect for you in every sense of the word. And this includes, understanding that your personal free time is precious and that other people want it too.

Respect

Remember, your time is valuable regardless of whether you are spending it watching Housewives, hiking up a mountain, or simply blogging. And, he needs to know that as well.

A man will respect you more if you set boundaries for yourself. If you act like you can be walked all over and used like a rag doll, you will be. Show a man that he needs to treat you with respect if you aren’t getting it from the start.

If a man calls or texts you at the last minute and actually gets to see you, he will think you are easy and definitely won’t put any more effort into getting to know you, let alone give you much more notice for future dates.

He surely won’t respect you.

Last Minute = Last Choice

Most of the time, if a man is trying to see you at the last minute, you were his last option.

I know every woman in this world wants a man that looks at her like his first, most preferable option. No woman wants to be a man’s back up or last resort!

If you can’t be honest enough with yourself to admit that, then you definitely are not ready to change those things that may be holding you back in your dating life.

Yesterday, I had a male guest on my podcast and when we discussed last minute dates, he said something that really resonated with me. He said, “Last minute equals last choice!” This is straight from the horses mouth ladies!

Don’t Answer Your Phone on Friday and Saturday Nights

Obviously, if you’re getting a call or text on Friday or Saturday night you weren’t nearly at the top of a man’s mind.

If you just recently met, a man doesn’t actually KNOW you and should think you are busy having fun with friends or whoever on your weekend.

Even if you aren’t out with friends or on dates, maybe you’re busy with hobbies, elevating your career, blogging, or podcasting!

Either way, don’t answer his call or respond to his text. Why? Because you’re out living your life, hanging out with your friends, or just enjoying your “me time.”

By doing this and not accepting last minute dates, you will let him know that if he wants to see you he will actually have to ask to see you in advance.

No one wants to be that girl that all the guys know will answer her phone at 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night.

Return His Call or Text Later

Please don’t think I’m asking you to ignore a man’s communication altogether, I’m not saying that.

You can return his call or text hours later or the next morning and let him know you were out or busy. Keep it vague, you barely know this guy and he doesn’t need to know your every last movement despite your yearning to tell him.

For those who may see this as lying or being dishonest, I think you should really be looking at it more as holding yourself back and not giving yourself wholly and completely to someone upfront. Take time to let someone get to know you.

The Rules Book

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, authors of The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing The Heart of Mr. Right, say that you should never accept a date for Friday or Saturday night after Wednesday.

I like this rule, but, I tweaked it. I believe that you can accept a weekend date if you’re asked by Thursday, but it depends on how much genuine interest the man has shown.

If you feel like he’s a good guy and is showing real interest in you, you can accept a weekend date if he asks on Thursday.

However, if you’re already getting the feeling that this guy might be a player or he’s “running game on you,” don’t make exceptions to this rule.

How It Works

Most of the time, by the second or third time you turn a man down for a last minute date, he will start asking you out in advance!

For the men that don’t… Well, they weren’t interested in anything serious in the first place and were just looking for some easy play.

And to these men, wish them adieu because that’s not what you’re looking for and they were never going to give you the respect you deserved anyway!

You Want More?

To hear the full discussion on this topic and hear the male perspective for yourself, check out my podcast! It’s Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

Entry 6: Where Has Courtship Gone?? Pt.2

Posted on February 1, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

One of the reasons that courtship is nearly extinct is because women have made it way too easy for men. There are several ways that women make themselves too available to men and, ultimately, help promote men’s lack of effort in dating and courting women.

Unfortunately, it’s going to take a collective effort from women to get the change we want from men as a whole. One woman alone, can’t inspire the change we want in men as a whole.

There’s several different things we can do as women to start getting men to put effort into dating and courting us. The underlying concept in each point is that women have to be less available to men in the early stages of dating.

For this post, we will just discuss one point, answering every phone call you get from a man.

Answering Every Phone Call

For some reason, we seem to feel that if our phone rings and we see the call, we MUST pick up the phone. Well, this is the exact opposite of what should happen when you first start dating someone.

You should never be so available to a man you just started dating that you answer every single phone call he makes regardless of whether you are busy or just sitting on the couch.

Compulsion to Answer Your Phone

I know we naturally feel some sort of compulsion to answer a man’s phone call as if we would never hear from him again if we didn’t answer, but that’s actually not the case.

What happens when you call a guy you’re dating and he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you back right away? Do you not think about him constantly until he finally calls you back? Do you not wonder what he is doing? Do you not stress about whether he saw your call and ignored it or if he is legitimately busy?

Well, the same questions run across a man’s mind when you don’t pick up his phone call and call him back right away.

It’s good to let a man think about you and wonder what you’re doing. He may actually think about you more if you don’t pick up his call than if you answer his call, talk to him for 15 minutes, and don’t speak for another day or so.

Develop An Attachment

I personally think that forcing a man to think about you, by not answering his every phone call, helps him slowly develop an attachment to you.

Don’t you find that the men you think about the most are the same men you desire the most and feel the strongest about? Interesting huh!

The more you think about someone or something, the more you get attached to it (or the idea of it). Therefore, by forcing a man to think about you more than he normally would, you are essentially forcing him to start developing an attachment to you.

Force Him to Think About You

From my experience, I can truthfully say that I thought about a man a whole lot more when he didn’t answer my call, even if he was someone I knew I didn’t want to pursue dating.

When guys didn’t pick up some of my friends phone calls, they would say stuff like, “Wow, I can’t believe this fool didn’t pick up my call and I was willing to spend my Saturday with him as lame as he is!”

So, my point is, whether you are even interested in a man or not, when he doesn’t answer your call you WILL think about him. So, make the guy you’re dating think about you; whether he wants to or not!

Disclaimer: When I say don’t answer every phone call, I do not mean don’t return his call at all. You definitely need to return his call, just wait a few hours. But, never wait more than 24 hours to return a phone call.

Look Like You Have a Life

It’s also a good thing to miss a phone call here and there so you don’t come off as having no kind of life whatsoever.

The truth is, men want a woman that other people want. They want a woman that people like, that people want to hang out with, that people desire. If no one wants to talk to you or see you, why would a man?

What kind of men do you tend to want the most? Is it the guy that you think is a couch potato who seems to have no friends and no life or is it the guy that seems to have an exciting life and friends that love him and can’t get enough of his time?

Well, this is my point. A man wants a woman that looks like she’s enjoying her life. He doesn’t want a woman that he thinks he will have to create a life for or include her in everything he does.

Perception is Reality

Whether your life is exciting, fulfilled, or boring, PERCEPTION IS REALITY. How a man perceives you is what he will believe you are, whether his perception is accurate or not.

And a man’s perception of you will guide his decision to date you, put effort into getting to know you, pursue something serious with you, or just make you a “late night creep” option.

So, you definitely want a man to THINK that you have a life and friends, even if you don’t.

Obviously, after a while of dating, a man will learn who you really are, but hopefully by that point he likes you or has fallen for you so that the fact that you have no friends and are just a couch potato won’t be a deal breaker for him.

You Want More?

For the full conversation on this topic, check out my podcast! Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast or download the episode here: Download episode

Stay tuned this upcoming week as I bring you more tips on how women can bring courtship back!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Till Next Time,

Dee

You Don’t Deserve a Good Man…Yet!!

Posted on January 31, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

A lot of women put off working on themselves because they feel like “Well, if I’m not in a relationship, what’s the point?” “Who am I working on myself for?”

Well the answer to that question is YOU!

Are You a Good Woman?

Every woman wants a good man, but let’s face it: A good man deserves a good woman, period!

Get yourself together now so that when you’re ready to take that big step, a good man will be ready to take it with you!

Self-Defeating Behavior

We have to stop saying things like, “Well, it’s obvious this guy doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with me so why should I change myself??” Or “I’m not looking for anything serious, I just want to date and have fun!”

Well, when you’re done having all that fun, those habits you’ve developed and ingrained into your way of life may be the same habits that keep you from finding and keeping a good man.

If your not interested in fixing your faults or bad habits because you’re not in a relationship or whatever the excuse, here is your reality check:

You still need to work on yourself because bad habits are hard to break and if you don’t start at least trying and practicing now, there’s not much of a chance that you’ll change years down the line!

Practice, Practice, Practice!

Ladies, we all know that it’s hardest to play it cool or follow “the rules” when you are REALLY into a man or have already categorized him as “the one.”

So, you really need to practice not doing those bad habits that get you labeled as “the stalker,”or the “crazy girl” or whatever your kryptonite is. Once you’ve been practicing for awhile, it won’t be as hard to stop yourself from doing those things you know you shouldn’t do.

There’s no need to fall apart and moan about everything you think you are not. Instead, focus on becoming the person that you yourself would want to date.

While some women are aware of the flaws and bad habits that hinder them in the dating world, many women are not. Either way, we all need to continuously work on ourselves for the better.

What is Working on Yourself?

When I say “work on ourselves,” I mean we need to do some serious introspective evaluations to determine what our bad habits or flaws are and better understand those characteristics that are holding us back in dating, love and life in general.

Perhaps, you’re extremely needy and clingy, or overly distant. Or, your first dates with men are more like interviews or interrogations more so than actual dates.

Do your insecurities or lack of self-esteem lead to you chasing men away with your jealousy or constant need for reassurance and attention?

Maybe you consciously or unconsciously let men know that you are ready to settle down and have kids like yesterday! Regardless of whether a man is actively looking for marriage, kids, and the whole shebang, you can scare him off by putting marriage and kids on the table on the first few dates. This reeks desperation!

Whatever your flaws may be, you yourself need to know what they are! That’s the only way you’ll be able to work on changing them or learn how to downplay them so they don’t negatively affect your life.

Not Everything Can Be Changed

Now, I realize that not every character flaw or bad habit can necessarily be changed, but it can be downplayed! And, for the habits that can be changed, why not change them?

Regardless of whether you’re casually dating, dating the wrong man, or not dating at all, you have to work on yourself!

For more great dating advice, get my book: Picking up the Pieces: Rebuilding Yourself for the Love and Relationship You Deserve.

Related Articles You May Like

Emotionally Unavailable? Should You Be Dating?

Revenge: Why It’s Not Worth It

Having A Sense of Humor As An Adult

Focusing on the Process not the Dating Outcomes

Posted on January 29, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

It really is time to start slowing down the dating process and enjoying the ride instead of making it a long term examination that a man has to pass.

Coach Suzie

Focusing on the Process NOT the Dating Outcomes

I don’t know about you, but often times I get caught up in the looking at the finish line that I don’t even notice anything else that’s going on around me. I’m like that a lot in everything I do, I just want to get to my goal as fast as I can. I’ve also noticed that in my personal life as well. I sometimes am so focused on the finish line, getting where I want to be that forget to stop and smell the roses and just “be” where I’m at. I’m not the only one. Most people are like that.

It took me a while to realize that. It was one of the main reasons that I married the wrong person way back when. I was so focused on being “the bride” and fitting into the “box” that I turned a blind eye to many red flags. The…

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Are You Dating a Player? Some Red Flags …

Posted on January 29, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

There are so many red flags men exhibit that us women tend to ignore in the beginning stages of dating (and well into the relationships until they become serious problems).

I think we have all been guilty of ignoring or rationalizing away red flags at some point or another in order to feel comfortable continuing to date the wrong man. The more we acknowledge the red flags, the more we can consciously avoid them. This is a great post!!

Check out my podcast to hear some more red flags you can watch for: Dee’s Dating Diary Podcast

Coach Suzie

There are 23 Red Flags That You’re Dating A Player.

Do You Know Them All?

Here Are Just a Few of Them …

You Have Never Met Any of His Friends.

This is the first serious give away that you’re being played. When a man is serious about his new woman, and is proud to be with her, he will take her everywhere he can, to show her off to his friends. Men are very competitive by nature, so it’s in his DNA to want to brag to his friends and show off his “new girl.”

Wait a few weeks to see what he does. In the first few weeks of a relationship, especially if it’s a whirlwind romance, you two are going to be in such a deep infatuation stage that you won’t come up for air for a while.
Once you’ve been dating a few weeks, see if…

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Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make Recovering From an Affair

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Dee's Dating Diary

Great post!!!

Affair Resources and Advice

This blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery. Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair.. I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it. From my reading, thought and research, I came up with what I think are 21 things to avoid if you want your marriage to survive and thrive after an affair.